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Facing the past

Today I received an email asking would I go back to an old nhs trust board were my journey began ironically a character in hollyoaks is sat taking an overdose.
Taking an overdose an attempt shut out my pain led me to my first admission I lost me for a long time then. Esther’s face even a reality soap I too looked like that on my first admission too even a young adult was really just a kid.

Desperation led me their pain and hurt inside trapped me in a world I did not belong nor get going back to when emotionally could take no more either been emotionally battered or emotionally switched off n something they call psychosis took over me.

Going to my local trust now wasn’t as hard they only carried on from we’re I left and in fairness even though had just over a year off meds I’d not resolved trauma I’d faced and the loss I too faced as meds first my option n all I knew when go under didn’t really get me like I do know.

I’m nervous and scared face them will I have the strength tell them how the experience n were my path started the wrong answer tell them how should have been am I strong enough bare my soul n how will I react to if feel don’t listen nor do anything.

Most importantly though to do can I face their again and if do will I finally unravel me and find me once and for all and tell the Esther still in me it’s ok now we can move on and be ok be happy once n for all or will the Esther in me crumble n fall or will turning my negatives around get changes made n the experiences have been worth it if people potentially not have some of experiences had.

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