I’m laid here my head swimming and my heart breaking.
I unnecessarily called someone I cared about a twat due to my overwhelming happiness but envy too seeing all his milestones in a box. It breaks my heart the realisation I don’t have that or the items do they remind me of hurt upset and pain. I suppose here is we’re my pain lies with my nearest and dearest. I love them but strangely too I dislike them for how each one of them is with me or has been.
Am I really an odd bod I thing my family n siblings do an is just Katie leave her too it or is just Katie going off on one never thinking why to ask or saying I changed at osmondthorpe.
I didn’t change never have I’m still the same person just I have more layers too me.
Do you guys never ask yourselves why I’m like I am an assume I changed or just an odd bod.
I’ll tell you why because I had enough, enough of been in a dysfunctional family, enough of trying to fit in enough of you all looking out for yourselves n not really giving a damn about anyone else nor me that matter if you did you’ve never shown it or been their, you never seem to take time out call or text or visit I do for u guys, you never seem interested in me or who I am and what I’m about, this week I felt like tell you all fuck off one day in my life stands out the day I got news the Lil girl who did want me chose me be her mum the one thing I’d have had that good n me restart me n through her I’d have had the happy family I’d have done everything different I’d have give her my all n done anything for n no man would ever harm me or would have had her. The moment I knew he had he’d never get a second chance as they don’t change they do it again ask me I should know. Love is not worth it at the cost of your child their unconditional love an safety is no 1.
Something I’ve not had the chance to prove n do for on that day the baby I was so excited for n mesmerised when I saw her that memory not a happy one I saw my perfect baby n she is n maybe she in the heavens as she was too perfect for this world. But on Wednesday it was 11 years on my perfect moment destroyed my unborn baby severally disabled my heart ripped out the moment detected on scan. I hated you all this week as non of you gave a dam well you know what I know all your milestones, ,memories good/bad even when suffering my own pain, locked in n suppressed, I come to point I am gonna change an be like you not care or give a damn. Be selfish look out for no 1.
You say I changed or thing am an odd bod I am none
I was a child abuse victim sexual abuse might add what we’re your reactions when reported 2nd time might add in my teens that 15year old nearly buckled but didn’t.
What was my loving families response not loving I might add frm my grand parents nor mum she wasn’t given a chance help me heal prob why we don’t quite able have mum n daughter so yes my grandparents to help me heal. My brother if he comes and does anything or trouble it my fault. I’d just spent all day testifying what that person done on a video statement where’s the hug are u ok, you were brave, we’re behind you. Worser still you wonder why I hate family Christmas with you or awkward and you not once have you apologised for how you’ve been I was their when u went off the rails even after you wished me dead n I was a slag or how about when I try move on you’ve destroyed Christmas just like an abuser with your viscous nasty tongue n say you don’t remember do it was drink it took me balls not to ask u drink I was not been on edge think I’d have that.
How about my other brother the reason I finally decided to move away from Leeds I’ve never had anywhere felt like home I tried but u smashed it up I had no choice in your so called dad our real dad go in a home it was his fault not mine he put the drink before us kids n his relationship with Sidney (cider) more important if he cared he’d have been their protected me from dad no 2 n night his Lil girl me lost her Lil girl he was sat in the pub facing the hospital. N you blamed me him going to a home you should have took a pop at him. When I moved I should have never looked back I left Leeds for all the pain I’m reminded off n still am but I’m not allowed live in past you don’t understand I’m supposed to moved on well to do that I need to heal and feel my pain something u guys use to get what want or can’t u face it well you should I have to live everyday making it good for theirs only me who can do that n is only thing keeps me away from mh services n psychiatry n meds I partly stayed over suppressed as it was easier been like that than try think n hope good in world.
My sisters I love you both but your lives are your lives it now I have mine n my dreams sometimes a big sister can be big sister no more n needs a role reversal I faced abuse long as I did so yould have a chance a happy life n wasn’t at harms way n you are now having that each overcoming your milestones n challenges it’s what inspired me I now need me confront n face all I’ve boxed up, suppressed n accept I’m no odd bod or changed I’m Katie n I’m unique I’m vulnerable, I’m broken, a person building herself piece by piece.
Mum I love you too but I tell you that you need your live n only u can change that as me mine it time u n I did that n at times your probably just as fragile as me just 4 diff reasons.
I can’t make things easier no ones listened I’ve tried n if they’ve listened chose to ignore like I want to chose not hear about them n ignore just like they’ve always done us plus they play no significance or part in my live only wind me up so for my sanity im choosing don’t want listen too I just want hear about u not mum but Christine, n just about u.
I’m no odd bod nor changed I’m healing from an emotional journey one where I’m putting me first n finding me but I’m no odd bod or changed or symptom or condition
I’m Katie finding her way through pain, upset, highs, lows, heartache sadness, anger, an over rollercoaster emotions. I’ve to find me through abuse,bereavement,recover from been too long in n out psychiatry services n find me n me letting some of my feelings out I do that