My strong points and my weaknesses affect what takes over me.
Taking over Katie means that in a guy sense if they want to play the alpha male (dominant role) then they have to go all out show won’t hurt me, let me down, protect me, even fight for me as when I feel that your trying take over me I will push you away, reject you part protect me, part proof your worth n you can knock down my guard. I’m you see not a survivor but a fighter this world is all about that. I know no other way.
Taking over Katie has been negative/toxic friendships for Katie to feel loved n needed something Katie won’t say but craves. She used to buy friendships/relationships to belong, she changed her identity, lost her spirit tried be what they wanted, acted like, waited around was picked up, dropped time and time again. I didn’t ever see it I became dependant On it I just wanted only ever fit in that need for dependancy lost me my independenance when friends/relationships finally got boared I’d be rejected dropped from some great heights didnt see comming nor understand why. I struggle with friendships and relationships part fear ill repeat old traits, be hurt and rejected n the fighter in me know keeps that guard up as scared of be hurt n want my friendships to have meaning mutual respect n their one another good/bad. Friends on an equal level.
Taking over Katie has been professionals too sectioning me to units taking away my own responsibility of care made me become institutionalised dependant on your world, your structures your domain and your treatments I became unhealthily dependant yould fix me but not you zombified me I had to learn like, love myself, dependant on just Me. Im even using your language still as that’s embedded in me.
Taking over Katie is also the dark side of Katie flashbacks grip Katie she becomes stiff n scared tears silently flow as she wants to scream no, don’t hurt me n get off me n please why do you do these things. I at times forget I’m with a loved one they in my head the one who caused my pain.
Taking over Katie can be my obsessive thoughts, negative thinking, I either bully myself put myself down, Isolate myself because thoughts make me paranoid your all going to hurt Me. I can become a bully though too can rather say what’s going on n cause I don’t like myself be agressive shout
I do that to reject you before you can me as I struggle people in my life moment think u can take me over my trust,vulnerability,insecurity issues flood and overwhelm me
Taking over Katie is now only Katie do that
Ive become my best friend to understand me, learn to love n like myself, if can depend on me can learn to face the world, empower my past it not take control. Taking over Katie means Katie can now be herself now n is awake finding her feet is awake not even though their is bad is amazing see beauty too.
Their is only I taking over me n so Katie is Taking over Katie and Is probably abt time too as I know feel I’ve discovered the path ill follow taking my baby steps of Katie maintatain and be Katie as I see and choose to be x