On the 10th of January I was reassessed for DLA and ESA I’d emailed my mp about my experiences that day. I’d felt no voice, humiliated, patronised. 1st question “have u self harmed and felt suicidal lately, “how often you feel that n on average” I live everyday good and bad I may not sh but I fight the urges not too n I fight to not give up them thoughts do cross my mind but I remind myself how far I’ve come try talk to friends n access online help forums one I even participated in workshops for, I see you suffer frm depression no I have a neurotic mood disorder I bully myself, get angry myself n others, I have trust n insecurity issues n i push people away but learning let people in by sharing me my journey n areas were not experienced good try work with. I get paranoid won’t admit fighting feel vulnerable n admit is my trigger but also what drives me. I’m not mentally unwell unhinged or unbalanced. I’m learn inning maintain, empower accept me 4 me n me take my steps into the world heal frm heartache from pain of trauma n loss n affects had n were took me too both good n bad. That’s not depression that me befriending me n accepting me n my past n face the future too. Thing these things not noted. I felt patronised humiliated as I kept try say how did n went go about things as answered yes can cook do eat if dnt I lose motivation get depressed as emotions n feelings affect my eating habits plus I try eat foods maintain my moods. Not interested just need yes or no. dressing n washing u look nice today u ok do that yes one of my tools is fake it to make look good on outside to feel it on the inside n cameoflague protect me. I hate hear if depressed u dnt wash or change n scruffy dishevelled n unkempt I used once look like that but also worked when depressed n did need dress impress. So I answered yes but not interested how part my routine. I found got a point told off all need hear Miss Atkinson yes or no not how do is just a functional assessment well I’m trying tell u how I function n what makes me tick.
I emailed my mp abt the atos assessment I’d heard,read people felt disempowered I felt that too when what point have a voice not listened too. Linda Riordan finally replied told me were look on how to answer n links mind n rethink showed she interested didn’t answer what going do I gave her an example of how people treated also if read would see answered questions n been assessed n if read link sent email on was a mind template you to made me feel why bother.
As a result that assessment I’ve lost my ESA n DLA as a result I’m having sell my furniture, pack my clothes moved to a shared home as I’m not appealing each time I sign on I do panic n have got mad n had anxiety attacks as I struggle not react attitudes n panic try hold as scared be restrained n anticipate, I’ve been passed ack n forth even told in housing office do u have a daughter live with you n no don’t I went under partly due not losing a daughter. I been told appeal , see gp if prescribes owt u dnt need take why shld I say I’m something not n go see a gp n see all I did in my past n risk a referral back to a place thought break free frm try educate n make service user experience one were listened to n valued why shld I appeal if not listened to nor why shld I have to see a gp after told ats dnt see an why. Also you can live day by day with good/bad with mh or as I see with myself without see health care teams.
In choosing fight for my principals, wishes , believes n not do something go against me. To carry on all I do as under 35 n informed no longer get entitlement me run home I’m giving mine up I rent going shared I’m scared n nervous times get mad shldnt need give all I worked 4 get by feel angry I’m doing all on my own. I get upset n try stop myself analyze n negatively thing ill always get knock backs remind myself is baby steps away be independent again n carry on do all I do is worthwhile. Hope what some see as should appealed I’m being brave not stupid as taking hard road n fight be independant not dependant. It’s been heartbreaking sell my things but their just thins right forget the time n effort n burn out get the items selling their just possessions, it’s been hard gut wrenching leave home I found me in I hope shutting the door n selling stuff me not selling out n opens doors paid jobs arnd areas of mh as mh is my passion, I hope is not me selling out n short but selling me to start my next chapter.
I couldn’t pay shortfalls n give up all I do to keep n run home so hopefully shared home n not run home can adjust n doors open me becoming independent n get my career n develop me n a place in society after all that’s what I expect n society expects of me. I hope society now accepts me see I’m sacrificing easy way out n try find my way in society.
I’ve struggled, stumbled, crumbled,cried,shouted n thought can I do questioned me n trying do my own people say ask 4 help I did adv given cab as what atos dictate say something adhere not, smartmove due changes not get extra support to support individuals go through back logged 4mths to see after refer the council who can’t re home me n expect pay a shortfall of £100 because under 35 can’t support or adv or help me. So I’ve looked help deliberating.
I’ve contacted friends found a home n started process move but can’t do it alone but feels it n friends helping while can but doesn’t help when no one seems to get is heart wrenching n overwhelming n u turn angry when overwhelmed when just got balanced n is ok people say you done this that n u wonder why get pissed when say no as I’m packing, try sell my stuff n fill in all commitments I’ve signed up to volunteered up to a part dnt break out commitments n b m downsizing still set out do all I do n involved in as they make me Katie I can’t do everything but feels it n is hard n is scary as I ask myself selling me out will it open doors my future n have it sell me find my future open doors Katie be independent n empowering. Hope that hope survive n not selling me out n under n swim not sink