I’ve been quite the last two months as they’ve been up and down a little bumpy say the least. I discovered I was pregnant in June , Me n baby’s daddy we fell out for a few days both probably behaved n did n said things shouldn’t but think we reacted that way as both shocked. Last year in my MH Recovery after separating Matt and my Sisters Falling Pregnant n to not crumble as dawned may never have that wish as was single living alone n 30 n n learning to live life as me told myself never happen n had my special baby was only way could cope n be happy them n for me not punish or criticise myself behind close doors, baby’s daddy thought may happen just not when has n we both facing changes own lives I’d moved near my family n him job changes n so rather talk our nerves n fears we had a few days fall out but it like that never happened now.,
im glad had him as had not really felt able talk through my nerves n anxieties n worries as I feared lose this baby way did Marybeth felt those close to me either to caught up in own lives, not interested even felt at point didn’t really care, n so I threw myself get stuff try n be sorted like working with midwifery team, referrals for monitoring for mh side as a extra precaution something I can worry less abt n finances n housing n finding out abt mummy n baby wellbeing n too throw myself into some of things enjoy volunteering wise like been a health champ n doing family stalls or, preparing n helping n getting ready n do a statement at healthy minds agm n my service user involvement activities even when tiered or bit snappy gave me focus and distraction n good for me as been told not stress, think positive n all will be ok kinda not want hear as they cant guarantee it nor do or could understand the gap when you’ve lost a child n actually u want talk about the what ifs, the how will i cope n will all be ok n so as didn’t feel could really do preparing n get ready n still be how got rnd n didn’t tell many others as wanted announce when knew all ok . Baby daddy though been arnd n us going midwife together n talking n working through us n guiding n supporting one another he knowing I needed a hug or rubbing my hand with a label n just been him n distracting me helped n strangely letting his parents fully quizz n get to know me n me slowly do with them thing been ok I think we learning to understand each other as times see n do things differently but thing for same reason n. nice slowly do that.
We did have a lil scare n led a negative experience out of hrs services but that’s a sep blog but brought me n baby daddy tighter together.
The first 2 weeks of this month has what has been the hardest n longest as was the blood tests n scans n the scans I feared n dreaded that’s the anxiety wanted share as the last scan had was what ended my last pregnancy n led me lose my special baby Marybeth.
I’ve kinda paced a lot try keeping out n about n even some mh stuff but to had a slight withdraw as inside my head mentally prepare lay down on a scanning bed n for ultrasound n ability shut of thoughts last one so can do these ones. The first scan was on the 6th I remember I laid down most time eyes shut n first time ever prayed all be ok as I was only supposed be getting a due date turned out full scan same morn as to baby daddy only one baby inside n been further along thought explained why bigger than am n so sonographer said I have do full scan to get through n all ok I prayed n willed with all my heart n didn’t look what happening n when said all ok n healthy lil boy n due Xmas day I cried tears off relieve n happiness n this weeks scan a consultant confirmed I still willed n prayed but this time watched n looked n nice my nanna see too n seeing his heartbeat n swallowing those moments best gifts ever have,
I never thought in my lifetime have n am n I’m blessed n the bumpy start worth n Marybeth thank u as I willed n asked u watch over us all n blessed u n angel in heaven n your lil brother be n angel down here I’m gonna do all I can n be n give my lil gift n darling son all can
I gave that dream up n by miracle n not asking n wanting finally happened x