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If, If is only 2 letters, I an F, If.

If is defined in the English Oxford Dictionary as :

1, { introducing a conditional clause}, on the condition or supposition that ; in the event that.

“If you’ll like I’ll put in a word for you”

1.1 (with past tense) introducing a hypothetical situation

“If you had stayed, this would never have happened”

If can be used in a variety of ways, to ask a question, to express a polite interest, to express an opinion, to express surprise or regret, to admit something as been possible but relatively insignificant,

If can be used in a variety of phrases, If has been a word that haunts me, torments me and a word that destroyed my world a word that leads to loads of questions surrounding my brother Tim, If became the hardest word ” If only ” If onlys too have also been wreaking havoc this week,

If only I’d answered the phone the day before you died Tim, put the shopping to one side, stopped rushing from A-B, took 5 minutes too talk to you to have talked to you, reassured you, told you I’d sort out what was bothering you and let you know you were not alone and loved, “If only I’d took 5 minutes out and answered and told you those things would that have changed things an you still be here.

If only I’d not held you at arms length Tim, If only I’d believed more in you as you did me, If only I thought more too see past your Dennis persona an reminded myself Tim was still in you, If only I’d tried harder asked more questions an If only I’d shown more interest in your journey like you me I’d have known about Wyfi, Crypt, Lighthouse an Hollybush I’f only I’d have known about them I’d have seen that you were Transforming you were Tim again Their, Id have stood alongside you, championed you, you wouldn’t be the ghost in the halls when I attend their now we should have gone together you not be the lost face I seek in the room, the photo I look at on you Facebook wall if only I’d took more time to notice, to care, If I did would it have made a difference and would things have meant you would still be here I’d have had my big brother an best friend back, I’m not doing friends at the mo as your the only friend I want back and their was no greater friend an brother than you Tim.

If has also left me asking questions though or should I say torments me obsessively loads of If’s not answered surrounding the care you had received in those final few days.

If only crisis services had admitted you on the Monday and that If leads to questions what happened in a n e on that Monday when you were assessed,

If only on the Wednesday your GP sent you to crisis to be assessed if only he’d had the powers to hold you for 72 hours would it have made a difference as he supposedly felt powerless to help,

If only we’d known about your visit to a n e an the GP we’d have done more.

If only were you lived stopped asking you certain things gave you a break from asking you what was triggering you would it have helped your mind rest and allow your support worker to have addressed when back of holiday as he’d have sorted for you, if only services hadn’t taught u to rely on one person an If only you had never moved to were living as what you feared came true and If only we’d have known you had not been supported enough we’d have helped ensure you had have had a smoother transition an that everything you needed to continue the steps you were making were in place.

Theirs loads more ifs if only this assessment done, if only plans were followed an checked an up to date an implemented would those ifs have stopped you falling through the cracks.

If is the question we’re awaiting the coroner now look at an will he grant article 2 and disclosure will he look at the circumstances will he question an find answers to the if’s and will the answers to those if’s mean recommendations are made and that no future lives are failed an that people ask if only we’d done things differently we could have been all that was needed and prevented you fall through the cracks that the next Tim they meet it may lead to a different outcome they get their lives back like you should have had yours,

If will always torment me now but If too will also spur me on that Tim no one like you shall fall through the cracks again

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