Last year at 9am my world was destroyed my heart was broken beyond repair, at 9am my Nanna phoned an for my Nanna to phone me that’s unusual to start with, when I answered I strangely braced myself that she was going to tell me my grandad was not ok as he was a very poorly man an he did sadly pass away in February this year but nope she didn’t tell me that but what she did tell me made my heart completely shatter, she told me my brother him had died and how he died I had ask her 3x just to be sure and still it hadn’t sunk in.
Dazed and confused I somehow managed to sort my son out, get ready sort childcare an do the mad dash and make my way to be with my mum, On the train I hid in a corner in the bicycle rack so no one could see my tears kept looking at my phone going into my contacts scrolling down getting to Tim’s name wanting to ring him but then words Nanna said flooded me police, mum, found , dead Tim hit. ” Why didn’t I answer my phone to him yesterday” , Why did my son have be restless night before, “why did I not phone him back, Why was this happening, Was it even real, I got off the train in autopilot mode I made my way to nearest taxi rank and got in the taxi too Mum’s.
Knocking on the door going through the hallway seeing mum on phone to Robynn, Jay an Nat heads down redness under eyes reality hit it was true, you had gone, never would I see you, chat to you see you smile, never would I hate say grumble about you, never would I know you ok, it hit you were gone, it hit bomb felt like a nuclear bomb went off in my heart.
I consoled mum told her through gritted teeth and sad eyes all will be ok, I knew though all would not be ok, because losing a child is never ok you never get other an I too knew we’d never get over losing you, life would have to go on but we’d have no choice, we hate it going on without you, we all wish when at mums doorbell rings twice something we used dread when you weren’t ok know something because know we won’t see you we dread know even more when rings twice as not you at the door,
As I type I’m sat in Mum’s kitchen she’s trying potter about keep busy, I’m sat typing away strangely awaiting the door ring twice my heart breaking inside knowing it won’t I wish it would, I wish I’d see you walk in and that really this last year was a blur a haze and not real woken up from a bad dream, in keeping busy it’s time go going to do the mundane of shops and trying keep busy trying make Life go on an try get through the weekend best can.