God, how do I heal ?

If I wrote hurt all my pain down, folded it up like a scroll and put it in a bottle and let out by the riverside would you make it drown  to the bottom of the river bed, or will you carry the bottle up stream and it flow right on by,

If I drew a picture of what the damage inside me looks like and put in a ballon and released into the sky would a bird be sent to pop the balloon and the picture fly down n land on top a heap of mess or would the balloon flow through the clouds, an glide past a rainbow and be free,

if I sang a sad song would it sound like a broken record, would the cords go would it have rhythm and melody would the music carry the tears and sadness away,

if I said a prayer God asking you how do I heal, how can I get you to  help carry my pain away will you shut me out like I did you, or would you show me a sign, whisper something in my ear, send me a vision a guide, teach me how to forgive move on an live for the now what would you do as its time I no longer hide and let it take over its time to heal and take away my pain from the past

It’s ok to be a Mum it’s ok to have Mental Health

I’m a mum to a 13 month old little boy he’s my rock , my inspiration in my recovery I used to talk about baby steps I took at present my son is attempting to take his and it dawned upon me I’m stationery not continuing on my own journey continuing with my own steps and the realisation is for a short while I’ve been ashamed of having a past mental health history, afraid of the repercussions it has for me and my child if is mentioned fear I may have to prove I can be a parent I’ve thought that fight once I proved it’s ok to be a Mum and to have Mental Health.

I think it’s because of that experience though, the fear u may not take your child home n fear you’ve waited years for this moment n you’ve lost one child (my first born was born still born) n you don’t want ever experience that again n so I think the last 12 months I used my little boy a bit to concentrate on something else threw myself into parenting, mum and toddler playgroup sessions and exploring play gyms those yes have been fun moments n great bonding moments but I sacrificed part of myself gave up part of me my passion, my fire in my belly, my dream to drive for change for better mental health because I feared it, hated it was hurt by the stigma attached to it even lost my own way thinking I could fight for change n mental health was not ok.

But Mental health is ok we all experience good an bad days, it is hard been a parent but we all feel tiered, we all question is my child happy, we all hate the teething phase, your child will push u to your limits, break u at times for me change time with my lb sets my anxieties off, I rant inside my head he’s mocking me as he scoots off nappy half fastened.

I’ve portrayed to the world parenting selfies wow I’m a fab mum I did that for my mental health I need see I was a fab mum as I doubted I was I even quiestened I could cried tears of tiredness n frustration, hibernated n thought I was being selfish put my family first I wasn’t I was bullying myself trying juggle been mum, housework, please family n friends n do the circuit of juggle play group and play gym Id in ignoring mental health n trying turn back on Id forgotten my baby steps the importance of me n my mental health n recovery.

The last few months I’ve realised I lost me, my best friend n in turning my back on mental health lost my spark n passion volunteering and campaigning debating mental health challenging people’s views fighting for better services they were my passion, my fire n like my children n my oh it too is part of what makes and completes me n it was not ok I turned my back on n it is ok n it is not ok me keep hidden it’s not ok I don’t talk about it’s not ok because I wasn’t been true to me.

I’ve learnt it ok ask for help n talk about my Mental Health n don’t have fear repercussions of MH services because in going sure start I’ve built up a relationship with family support workers who know me n actually reassure me Katie it’s ok n yr mental health ok your just scared n learning part n parcel been a parent n reminded me that yep I probably did nearly burn out because I’d neglected my me time strangely as my lb sleeps next to me I’m finding this is therapeutic to write n feel it’s ok to write n say I’m a parent and have Mental Health.

I’ve done a small amount of volunteering n did a talk last September slowly re embracing myself back into Healthy Minds n co-ran a coproduction workshop n spark slowly reignited n in background the flicker was their n as part my journey n passion 4 change I have applied 4 uni n even part time work in paid experience n even do more voluntary work as I love volunteering n the experience will also go towards building my dream that I can make things better for myself and others with mental health that it’s ok have it’s not a hinderance n it’s ok be part of you n that you can make a difference in whatever u want do n me I want change people’s attitudes about Mental health fight for better services and make a difference n too say yes I’m not afraid to say I’m Katie I’m a parent I have mental health and you know what it’s ok.

Recently I’ve been invited to an event n meet someone important I’ve quiestioned do I deserve be their n I don’t deserve because for a moment I thought mental health not ok a few people have reminded me the things I did n said I was inspiring n I’m not its the people that support n encourage me n follow me n have n had faith I could do it fight for change they inspired me they showed me it ok to be open about they were my support my safety net the ones who gave me confidence that I could change n improve mental health n perceptions n services n in do so they improved mine n helped me in finding me Katie.

So I will go to what invited to n talk about those who inspire me n my heroes n say wished their but most of all I will say I’m Katie I’m a parent I have mental health and it’s ok but u need to have services that supported me when pregnant through to delivery an after to health visitors an family workers n as my lb gets older other people will enter our lives like teachers n for them to know to support me as I’m a parent n not stigmatise me because of mental health n me having a love n hate relationship with.

Because it’s not ok to stigmatise a parent with Mental Health it’s not ok to make feel someone feel like an inadequate parent n feel ashamed of feel can be n even be scared of becoming a parent.

Because it is ok have children it is ok be a parent n it is ok to be affected by Mental Health because I’m a parent I have Mental Health n I think I’m doing an OK job x

My mind likes to wander.

My mind likes to wander it likes to lapse and shut off in those intervals I am their in body but mind farther afield. When my mind lapses n wanders those moments I can not tell you were I go nor can I recollect what’s happened in those moments around me. 

Normally can be good when Im in control happening and were does like in my safe spots or if with trusted friends or loved ones who I can preworn happening as when in control I get that sensation Happening. 

im finding though now is happening more n more frequently and longer lapses and taking me to places of wander I don’t want return too and reason why I learned to teach my mind to lapse and wander.

I’ve to now ask myself why it gone from a pot safe coping mechanism to extremeties is.

First I have too look at my pot stressors.

1.’past memories resurafcing n fear address
2. Pregnancy Anxieties fears my lil one even confirmed is ok will be all ok, fear people are trying take over n try comment or influence what my child can n can’t do n testing me as a parent on values want have n how I aspire be n judging me on. I hate been/feeling been underminded or judged let me be mum to my child after all key word I am mum.
3.sometimes families too much a good thing as after awhile get overwhelmed, tiered, frustrated I like been arnd mine n oh but too in moderation n feel I’m ready space time out n respite from need time for me n time just my oh n time friends n engage my passions as soon me n oh become 3 our own family n so I need me to prepare for that change.
4. Hormonal n body changing as pregnancy goes through the diff stages.
5. The stressors above I’m trying ignore deny, not react to pretend not their n causing overload.

I’m aware my stressors, I’m aware my coping mechanism try telling me something n have to address.

1. Look to work through n address lapsing n parts taking me to ready address blogging helps identify areas n look can I self maintain, do I need re-engage some of my wellbeing tool kit activities, do I need look am ready address n find ways be supported through.

2. Look at all I doing n preparing my lil one n oh too n put our plans in force, look at how far come n think ill be great mum as never a parent wanted a child as much as me (all parents feel that) every time he wriggles n kicks remind yourselve he chose you ESP to be your mum n nobody else. Look at all your planning n your preps n hopes n visions n values n hopes 4 lil one u n oh. N think all that matters is our 3’s health and happiness as after all were our own family.

3. Find ways to have u time n time out n if need have not be scared n say need time out.

4. Time access mum be grps, antenatal n birthing classes n look how manage Hofmann fluctuations n changes

5. Stop ignoring things staring n screaming me in face n what mind try run away from.

I’m Katie Ann Siobhan.

 I’ve challenged myself anymore than I ever thought I would I returned to a place that held so much pain I was daunted but remembered highroyds the final nail that broke me but driving up the path seeing the clock close up in my letter Marybeth hope not 11 years too late and the sun was shining and it was the day couldn’t have come soon enough I shared my experiences let them out and the sun was bright like the day was meant to be. I’d freed my soul and after leaving their I did have sensory overload but in wow my mind alert on fire every touch, sound, smell intensified but then that night slept soundly best night ever. 

Turning my corner turning over the page to my next chapter x 

The day after my old home sold I was contacted by BBC radio Westminster asked about my experiences and spoke about mh stigma an discrimination I answered the why with ask what mh means me n how others perceive. I shared about psychosis and how my experience was me finding ways come to terms my greatest gift but not a loss led to that and that letting go try say goodbye an been supported not admitted but I had psychosis and was not dangerous nor a harm or a reason anyone be afraid but vulnerable as people assume psychosis your crazy an actually not that but for me my mind trying mend the loss in my heart.

My thoughts before Liverpool and speaking at NHS Confederation Event.

Today though I was nervous as speaking at a Nhs confederation event in Liverpool I was speaking as Katie a health champion an what it means to me and how the all together better network saw me as a person, Katie a health champion that broke 1 inequalitie I have faced a diagnosis or label I and others stopped see me as me an faced stigma for, I spoke abt at risk of dying 20 years earlier than anticipated on relation life expectancy but not due condition but inequalities like phys health overshadowed, I linked the network to ele friends and NSUN with saying in relation framework as a member NSUN n mh watch I aim framework is adhered n implemented n framework met n mentioned how volunteering as a mh champion I was able to have a voice, training and can share training so even giving something back I got something my recovery enhanced and support me my journey of oppurtunities, development, education or employment n other activities involved n training adds my recovery much can, share but best thing was I’m supported as Katie n what Katie an bring which is were linked ele friends in too that I’m coached, supported,encouraged, guided an encouraged develop n be all can be. Like I try others n the coined phrase of Baby Steps took off as described mh journey to we’re am n how I champion good health 4 myself through bern my own bf n baby steps. An importance champion own health n tackling health inequalities as a friend n fam n as a young women do and that all need champion health reg it be mh, phys health, phys or learning disability or age or sex or sexuality aas been classified into a category can be an inequalitie initself . The audience plus myself n fellow speakers thing amazed that a person years ago would never dreamed nor dared speak up let alone their n fellow speaker said I should have been up last n closing but when presentation closed n summing up n whilst panel ans questions the phrase baby steps ran out in challenging inequalities baby steps made in looking at prevention n reduce inequalities those baby steps were discused n advocated from an acute health, all together model n national model were advocated. 
Today as speaking the fellow speakers you done this before I said some but not this Level or audience they were impressed n I was respected n valued.

I was Katie and my voice heard n valued n the audienced to listened n engaged n their was collaboration n discussion I did that as me Katie not an ex service user. 
I once held myself back n my past n mh n services too but today I was none of those as I’d challenged that part of me, reclaimed me n today I was Katie Siobhan. I recently realised though their was part of my past to keep as well as legally started change n remove some parts of past Im soon no longer Kathryn Siobhan Atkinson but soon Katie Ann Siobhan I can’t erase my abuse or loss but can take my abusers name away I too wanted recognise love 4 my mum n Marybeth n included their middle name and soon my next chapter no longer baby steps will be as Katie Ann Siobhan.

I don’t need anyone to assume responsibility or take care or run around me for I’ve overcome so many milestones, challenges, inequalities, abuse, loss I’ve survived that plus me, plus, psychiatry,plus I’m fighting for change too fighting for a better life n world 4 me n I know their are many possible endless dreams as ive turneed the page I’m Katie Ann Siobhan n I can be n do anything I dare to be I no longer need anyone assume care or responsibility I can be the greatest I just need to dare dream n find my hall of fame n I champion me for I am Katie Ann Siobhan x x x

Fuzzies n the frazzled effect been knocked for six.

Fuzzies n Frazzled, Fuzzies I can’t get you out my head how at the weekend you left me feeling frazzled n numb.

Fuzzies you attacked me in an instant the background music on BGT happy, happy talk, talk about things used like to do bam in an instant I was in your grip defenceless my head felt gripped tight in a vice I felt myself trapped and locked in n panic n overwhelm, the currents of electricity fuzzing n zapping n like static zig zagging n zapping firing in all directions across my brain n hitting me from all direction n on edge n feeling static n sat on edge. I know what yo expect n the drill with fuzzies I know is when I need send out my own SOS distress message for fuzzies n the effect can be damaging when I’m in its grip.

i followed the drill of the fuzzies I knew the music had triggered part of me my deep n darkest n disturbed memories the part of me that is the damaged n broken Katie. 

 

I managed to say I’m in fuzzies grip, had help find my labels a technique shared by someone close me I laid n hid under the pillows n cover n gently rubbed my temples I could feel the fuzzies intensify I could feel myself a huge current fuzzied in my mind n zapped me I was back in a dark place a place I didn’t want to be I was trapped I felt at harm I was zapped back to my past I was zapped n scared thinking I was going to be hurt again.

My inner child spoke I heard her voice n slowly saying were not going back their, were not going back their, were not going to be hurt no more, I could hear myself say it n get louder n louder n could slowly feel me rubbing n pressing at my temples n then fuzzies hit I jolted n back to been just laid hid under pillows n duvet n feeling presence of someone dear to me close the fuzzies started to fade but I could feel the goose pimples n on edge after effect n worn out n frazzled inside n out.

Fuzzies I know your the key to my dark n deepest rooted past, fuzzies you’ve left me frazzled n fearful why are u a foe n not my friend.

A beautiful mess inside

A beautiful mess inside

This is the inside of my head I was doing this as art of something for healthy minds and around stigma and our thoughts and experiences around own mh.

I call it a beautiful mess inside for those feelings inside are part of me they’ve caused me darkness but to bring me beauty as they make up part of me.

The mess inside is due feel one time ugly, hated myself I’ve been bullied by others but I’m a worser bully to myself.

I have slowly started grief for my loss Marybeth the childhood shed never have nor see her grow up. I slowly grief for the live I’ve never had as I find the light n life I want to have.

I know that I’m not Mad nor Crazy nor mentally unwell.
I’m just simply a beautiful mess inside.

I’m a beautiful mess inside or I’ve been hurt, felt vulnerable lost and unloved, scared, isolated frightened too scared to say my heart to wounded and broken due childhood pain and grieve.

I’m a beautiful mess inside because I just needed to feel loved be taught a good person that I’m not damaged but beautiful inside and out.