The day you left an no Goodbye.

The day you left, The day you died their was no goodbye, no note, even Dennis the doll that had possessed you was not on you, was laid sleeping on the bed from day one I’ve argued if u meant to leave us it be Goodbye he’d have been on you. I’ve recently sat with our legal team had the voicemails you’ld left me transcribed they were of pleas for help, confusion an desperation a Katie if u can’t help get mam or your key-worker amidst the messages were I love you, I love my family and an I miss you. Their was no goodbye, no Katie I’m going now leaving you all an look after Mum because if was Goodbye you’ld have done an said that or left a note ask that. The day you left part of me died too I closed the world off , closed Myles off too shut the world out become fiercely overprotective of him and our time an space we went from a mad chaotic house of fun an play dates to solemness and time out exploring to hide from the pain an sadness we felt but couldn’t put a finger on or understand, Myles argues with your photo, your bench an your drum too they’re not your things he says in his head you left them I try explain you didn’t you had no choice so in Myles head you’ll be back an so he compromises with you he’s borrowing your things looking after he’s doing a Job. With every new build housing schemes an homes been built especially all ones around Mum’s he comments Uncle Timothy’s new Home. I don’t think he understands you’ve died I don’t correct an tell him otherwise neither because I can’t accept you’ve died to me it’s not real it’s a sick an sad joke I try pretend you’ll one day phone or knock on the door. I can’t get angry or mad with you and am just numb because I can’t process or understand why you did what you did on that fateful day, I try tell myself you were stupid an it was a desperate cry for help, the Catholic/Christian in me asks was God with you that day then I get angry with God then for taking you away, I tell myself you didn’t intend to go because you loved us, missed us we were your family you wouldn’t go and leave us without a Goodbye. Losing you to a preventable suicide has been soul destroying, heartbreaking the making of time stand still we’re incomplete at times I feel our families like a broken puzzle an your the missing piece, At night I lie awake talk to you inside my head plead for you to come back, I cry silent tears to try blot out the numbness but to no avail no goodbye is the hardest goodbye the not knowing why, your intentions an the could you have been saved always dominate my thoughts because my mind and heart don’t register or comprehend it was Goodbye. I don’t think we’ll ever know or understand why we can only try and reflect upon the why. Their was no Goodbye so Ill go with I’ll see you soon, Someday, That someday the grey clouds will have lifted, the light will shine through the darkness the numbness lifted the pain gone the sadness an confusion gone x I love u Tim and one day in the future we’ll say hello again be like old times and no need to feel like goodbye so one day tim I’ll see you again and you won’t leave again an we can forget about the need for goodbye x x

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Good Death / Bad Death – What are they –

As someone who is trying have faith in God I’ve discovered that in Death if someone is for instance of an older age had their families lived their lives way wanted an accomplished all they wanted that when time comes it’s ok to not pray for recovery or healing but actually pray It time for them to pass peacefully meet their makers an for them to take their place in heavens realm in we one day see them again., With my grandad in the last few weeks seeing him in hospital so old, so frail not the person once was I knew his soul was ready leave this life it was to be hard but I did pray God listened to his Will his heart an if his time let him go peacefully, shortly after my Grandad passed my sons Great Grandad had a major stroke one he would not recover from he was moved to a home to make he’s final few weeks comfortable an again I prayed God listen to his heart an his will an when time comes let him to go peacefully. I’ve discovered that these deaths are classed as good Deaths strange notion a Good Death. But it then got me thinking about my daughter she was born still born she had severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus her death was not expected or planned whe received news did I prayed doctors had got wrong, I prayed for divine an medical intervention even asked for a blessing of healing over my bump but at the follow up consultation the harsh reality my child would not survive birth was put to me an that it’d be better end the pregnancy early an deliver her born sleeping an so I did at 22 weeks an 6 days surrounded by our immediate family I did will myself to Die too moment she did my body shut down crash team called in my family ushered out my mum prayed to god don’t take me her baby an you’ll gather I survived but I did suffer terribly mentally for years afterwards tortured myself spent along time in an out of psychiatric services took along time for the guilt to go to mourn it was an always will be a bad death as I’ll never understand why when discovered pregnant was given the precious gift of life to have cruelly ripped an snatched away, then we move onto 2013 I finally went on to have my rainbow baby 10 days before Christmas the child who brought me hope after darkness an is my continued reason to fight the darkness as in August 2016 I lost my brother, by best friend to a preventable suicide for 21/2 years he battled demons was tortured mentally lost his soul to his alter ego an became possessed by a doll my family an I we constantly thought for help for him in the May of year he died we thought he’d finally turned a corner he was moving into mental health supported housing, he was volunteering at St. George’s an at. TCV hollybush was given a new lease of life was optimistic we’d get our Tim back but for whatever reason we don’t know why we are now fighting for answers why, What happened for him to deteriorate mentally again, why were the signs not picked up on , why when he reached out for help was it not given why the week he died did Accident an Emergancy not intervene why did his Gp not intervene an why did the staff at the supported living not intervene. Since losing Tim my family an I are now mentally tortured physically an emotionally drained an having now fight the NHS an social care an now the legal system to get the answers why today should be a day spent with my son but sadly I’ve had to make childcare arrangements will go to my mums argue an negotiate with our solicitor an barrister with my mum the band aid plaster trying protect me from hurt of losing Tim will be ripped of as mum an I will again have review an critique all the legal paper work an Work out our next steps today I’m mentally preparing myself for news that the courts have rejected our notion for the judicial review that’s challenged the coroner’s decision regarding article 2 and preparing myself our legal team may tell us stop perusing and I too now am slowly losing my faith an sense of hope because I can not move on with my life, days of feeling happiness have disappeared it’s know a battle of get through each day best can because I’ve my son an he needs me an I don’t want my family facing anymore heartache an pain, I throw myself into fighting for answers for tim, trying challenge the system get changes made but we are no further forwards but rather further back I don’t think we’ll get the answers an closure we’re looking for an destined to carry the heavy burden and pain of losing tim with us and Day he died to part of us to died his death changed us changed how we see life, how we now interact an engage an took part away our hearts and souls so we’re no longer the people we used to be I try engage in life because of Myles but at same time have cut myself off an detached myself from certain aspects to survive the hell were now facing, losing a child at whatever age to a parent is never a good death it wasn’t something I’d ever want me an mum share going through and losing a brother to a preventable suicide wasn’t a good death neither they are bad Deaths ones I know struggle with an carry heartache off to me they are bad Deaths an when time comes I will tell God that and I know he’s expecting that because I do know argue with him, challenge verses in the bible do not pray as devoutly as once did an sadly feel him lost from my life I do try search for him but am on a string hold now with my faith I once cut him out my life if not for my son probably would have done because as I said earlier he’s my continued hope in darkness I fell myself he’s my gift from God an with that comes the sense I’ve to be eternally grateful an so I persevere in my ongoing battle with faith in life we do all die but death is not always Good because some Deaths are not inevitable an those that die too soon had more out of life to give did not have The chance reach their potential an life had more to offer them an so death was bad and robbed them of the joy of life the pain of that death an fighting to understand why then ripples throughout the lives of loved ones so when people talk about death I’ve discovered some deaths yes are good and some are just as equally bad an it’s important when people now talk about death consider what is a good death an Too what is a bad death an how you know support people going through that x x x