Today Dad I saw you again, brought Myles with Me, Myles has seen you know twice he knows your his Grandad he loved playing his games with you today an only wanted play them with you he dosent know the you from the past nor care about or need know to him building a relationship with you is easy, child’s play he gets to know you for the now, the hear, the present to him it’s like you’ve always been their even though it only twice he does not get anxious or panic an worry about what we’ll talk about or say, will it feel strange or awkward dosent need pray for Gods intervention an be on our side as we pray an build a new relationship, wish I could follow Myles lead an attitude not let fear or the past get in the way because your are different to the Dad I Knew and used be, I know that the Drink stopped you from being the Dad I wanted you be and I can’t keep partly holding you responsible for things that went on in my life because when do that will stop us moving forward also Drink was the poison not you and wasn’t your personally that was not their it was the Drink that took you away. It was nice to watch Myles and you play it made it easier to chat an talk as you did, it felt normal like an everyday afternoon of a daughter an her son visiting Grandad and pleased went like that, I’m pleased Myles too taken to you wants be around you, see you play with you and feels safe an loves you automatically because your his Grandad and he’s a good judge of character too an today was nice follow Myles lead and attitude and the foundations an building blocks of our relationship be built on the today’s an the tommorows the moments have an can plan have, build how a child would build a relationship one free of guilt and judgement an one of love an innocence an natural care free approach to its strange a four year old been a mediator, the bridge of the gap and not realise they are but that’s the magic I suppose of been a child and child’s play as to them it’s easy, simple they don’t see ifs, buts, whys an the what ifs to them theirs no process navigate, mediate an weigh up an assess. The quiet an awkward moments were their but only briefly Myles he as soon as felt that was loud look at me an so snap out off. I hope our relationship continues to grow an Too flourish we’re still in the very early days taking baby steps so since doing that will build up like child’s play now so that we grow, we develop, we’re strong an when stumble as toddle jump back up an brush down for its time to take that journey, that walk those baby steps here’s to having a child like, childs play attitude and thank you to both you and Myles for today as it’s time I had my Dad back in my life and looking forward to our journey now an we’re will lead us too x x x x
My Big Brother, My best friend, One of my Angel’s if Heaven, Darkness has shrouded me since the day you died the pain I’ve felt uncomprehendable an unimaginable a pain I wouldn’t want wish on anyone, the pain an suffering you too faced in the last 2 1/2 years of live wouldn’t wish on anyone either. When you were alive you had a wish I didn’t grant a wish your nephew my son Myles met our dad and for him have a chance meet him an be a Grandad to his only Grandson. To you dad was your hero, your best friend you saw past the alcoholism you loved the times you had with him down at the Brown hare you never got over dad finally having to go into a care home for his own safety it was like part of you died that day the day you felt you’ld lost your best friend an I know hate feeling that same pain, I didn’t have the same relationship with Dad as you did I did try when he first went in to the care home have one but then in 2009 my own Mental Health deteriorated to point I spent Christmas that year sectioned and detained in hospital it took me a few years recover from in 2012 I went through a major relationship breakdown lost the home I’d thought have my ever after in an had create a new identity for myself as part of that process an as part of that process I didn’t want have Dad in my life I blamed him for not been in my life when I needed and wasn’t their protect me from been abused wasn’t their shelter me from pain of losing Marybeth and I hated knowing at time I was going through that he was in Pub opposite and so in my mind if I deleted him from my life I had a chance move on from my past. When Myles was first born I did think about letting him see him but the bitterness an anger I felt about him not been their made me have attitude he didn’t have that right be in my life or Myles, I know that you respected that decision but you were also hurt by as you so much wanted dad see him and I’m sorry I never listened, never told you how I felt maybe you’ld have understood an we’d have worked together and compromised and we’d have took Myles together. The day of your funeral was the first time in years I’d come back into contact with each other he looked lost, he didn’t look like our dad but still he automatically was Dad all way through the service he sat next to me and held my had, did cuddle me as I was upset and walked up to your coffin with me and held my hand as I told you it wasn’t goodbye but see you when times right an for you go be one of heaven’s angels an be with my Marybeth. After your funeral I did give dad some photos of you with Myles and I did think about going and see him and take Myles but I wasn’t ready also Grandad was very poorly and he too sadly passed then Myles other Great Grandad Robinson too sadly had a stroke an he too sadly passed an emotionally I did not feel strong. So it took 18 months after you passed away and this last week of not sleeping an waking upset an trying ignore an pretend all ok and to go across mums and in Tesco see an old man alone and me with a stock pile of presents for Boo too think about people who maybe alone, I went across Nanna’s she too stood in the Hallway looking lost as we chatted and she was worrying about getting her nibbles in her eyes though was fear first Christmas alone without Grandad and across at mums I got upset for her but brushed off went home, on Christmas Eve Facebook triggered me to point turned of all notifications Christmas was about family time an so be it, Anne Myles great grandads partner Anne phoned who earlier on in year whold lost Alan phoned see how we were recognised this time of year would be hard for me as as was for her and at end of call it hit me I cracked, I melt all bitterness to dad I felt disappeared and I looked at Myles it was finally time he met his Grandad Hughie our Dad and on Christmas Eve Dad finally met Myles I think he was just an shocked an surprised as I was as It wasn’t how I envisaged spend Christmas Eve but am glad I did am glad finally my four year old finally got to meet and get a cuddle and see his Grandad all of us in room didn’t speak your name but did feel your absence missing and that’s my only regret about finally granting your wish you weren’t their share with us as you should have been I kinda think from heaven you’ve probably though in heaven come down from heaven an whispered in my ear what about Dad Katie it’s time and am glad you did because in New year we now have New hope Dad an I and Myles can have a New Relationship an too Jason an Dad can maybe look at have too just a shame you not here share in too but I hope though your with us in Spirit an through pain losing you that their can be some healing now your wish has been granted an I’ve entered the spirit of Christmas reconciling the pain of yesterday but am truly sorry though left to late for you to see I know we’ve a long way go me an Dad but we’ve finally now made a start I hope you Too our now finally at peace an forever I will miss you my brother, my best friend x
Today I woke at 5.30am in tears hit with the realisation you are gone. I no longer feel your presence, no longer can pretend your busy and I’m busy an we’ve just missed see each other at Mum’s. Life is passing me by I’ve lost interest in friends, play dates and ideal gossip because things like that no longer matter they’re trivial nothing can comprehend to the pain and loneliness I feel not having you in my life anymore, I FIGHT FOR ANSWERS for you because your live mattered, you were cared for you were loved, I know it can’t bring you back and I so desperately wished it could even if for one day we made things better for someone else you tell me and mum you were proud an we did it we made your life matter you were stood up an accounted for, you tell us your free, your happy now , you tell us grandad an Marybeth’s happy Too an that your with them no longer alone an when time comes you’ll one day see us again, you’ll hold us say we’ll be ok an wipe our tears away and I so wish that could be true even if for one day.
It was Myles birthday on Friday what I wouldn’t have given to see you, open a card for him from you I remember you were the first person to visit him tried getting on the maternity unit at 7am but wasn’t opening hours was told come back at 12 lunch time an you wandered round Leeds till that time, I remember how proud you were holding him in your arms the love you had for him radiated out you too we’re proud off me and told me his sister in heaven would be proud an you never gave up hope I’d have a little one even though I did, I wished you’ld knocked on the door on Friday see how tall Myles is growing not much of a baby now but more my lil henchman an right hand man his personality an mccomb side now starting to come out he’s loud, he’s cheeky an he’s boystrous you’ld be just as proud off him now as moment first held him he’s going to miss having you in his world as you’ld have made one amazing god father an uncle.
This morning it hit me I won’t see you at Christmas nor anytime soon an in that moment I felt lost, lonely didn’t want feel that realisation you had gone each day it gets harder and harder acknowledging you are gone an my heart breaks that little bit more what wouldn’t give to see you even just for one day.
December hasn’t brought winter cheer an Christmas cheer, Decembers brought sadness an tears an realisation the world is now a depressing place without you in it an that life became that little bit darker the day you died an realisation today it had changed was day I realised really wished you were back here today an can no longer pretend an have try accept your gone
I love you Timothy the greatest big brother an best friend I ever had one day again I’ll see you but for now it’s time wipe away the December tears an force myself try move on x x x x
We’re now in December the time of year people get in too the spirit of been festive an giving an Christmas cheer, children get excited about what they wish for on their lists comes true because Santa sees an grants their wishes. People are getting out the advent calendars, planning to watch all the xmas movies in the build up too, theirs elves on shelves, tress been put up lights an all the trimmings, trips to xmas markets, festive light switch ons, and for kids santa too.
As a parent you have to do theses things for your child, I’ve to currently do them for mine but when you’ve had an emotional and rough year an a half suffered bereavement after bereavement, been hit with major changes an disruptions to your home life an only just try navigate get back on track is hard to feel festive get in to that Christmas spirit because we’re was the magic when you needed it, At Christmas we talk about the gifts of Joy, Hope an Peace these are gifts you need all year round, everyday especially to get through what live throws at you.
For most this time of year will be filled with fun an cheer but spare a thought for those it’s probably not, in 2009 I had what was one of the xmas I’d say was a bad one I spent it detained under the Mental Health Act Under Section 3, I didn’t open presents under the tree but on a hospital bed, I didn’t have the full xmas dinner with my family but strangers instead their was no tree, no lights no decorations no festive cheer their was no Christmas magic that year so at xmas I do reflect on that thing of all who maybe going through that.
In 2013 I’d say I had what was my best Christmas I’d just had my son my very own Christmas miracle after losing a child born stillborn in March 2002 I thought I’d never have a child of my own an as time went on I gave up op on having one and so even though I’ve now got Myles I do to spare a thought for parents facing harsh reality of knowing the pain what it’s like to lose a child especially getting through that 1st xmas every xmas I still imagine how it’d be if had Marybeth an do more so now I’ve Myles to celebrate with, I also spare a thought for those who desperstley wanted a child an pain not having one and seeing friends an families having families of their own even though your happy you still feel like you’ve had your heart tugged out.
Last xmas I was not excited for nor looking forward too because it was to be the first xmas without my brother Tim, I remember using my son , my niece n nephews as my driving force to get through because they’re just kids they don’t need face the harsh realities of live, I knew also for my mum had try an do something to ease her through xmas as knew would be difficult her go through and knew xmas would heighten pain she felt.
So I brought the magic of Christmas to my house I threw my son an his twin cousins a Christmas themed birthday party, invited Santa Claus round the children’s excitement an faces an look of joy injected that little bit of hope an magic get through, I still got Tim a card an present as Wasn’t ready to not too even took part in arranging a toy collection for George’s Crypt for Children who face some of the most bleakest things in life an did in memory of Tim kinda wished did again this year but sadly life got in way an other stuff get through so maybe next year I’ll do.
Again this year I will try steer my family through highs an lows of the festive period and be hopeful in new year we’ll get the answers we’re looking for surrounding my brother’s death , I’ll hold both Myles nanna, great nanna and his grandma in my heart an pray they find a way get through this time of year as they go through their first xmases without John and without Alan in the winter night sky and when the stars twinkle I’ll whisper to Myles that’s his sister, uncle an great grandads watching over coming down to say Merry Xmas an that in spirit we’re still here just not near but have not completely gone and will always be with him in spirit an heart,
As I’ve wrote this blog I’ve wondered why write I suppose it’s my way of saying that I will fake my way through xmas for Myles starting by next week taking him to the magical world of Thomas land for his early bday treat , I’ll put up a tree lights an decorations when we get back, I’ll try do something nice with mum whilst we’re down at Westminster helping NHS England around their Learning From Deaths work as we remain hopeful an optomistic can make a difference for families in the future who may face similar experiences to ours but they be supported with compassion an empathy unlike us. When come back do the mad xmas shop, present buying an wrapping for my loved ones get excited at thought watching them feel gift of joy when they get the gifts they’ve wished for an I’ve realised in one way I’m acknowledging Christmas can be a difficult kind of year but also as I’ve reflected on I’m slowly injecing into me ways I’ll find Christmas gift of hope too have the joy an spirit too want to celebrate be festive an try to find the missing magic an hope too others who’s missing that too I pray that you may find ways to find x x x
Yesterday me and my Mum met with our Solicitor regarding Tim’s Inquest was that the Coroner did not overturn his decision on Article 2 and disclosure was because my brother’s death was classed as been in the community regardless of the fact of him living in Mental Health Supported Housing, apparently Tims Death is a grey area in eyes of Law because he’d not been sectioned or detained he was not classed as immediate risk, he went for help on Monday was seen at A n E but because didn’t come out an Say “I’m Suicidal, I’m going to harm myself, End my life was reason why did not get admitted, I in the past have felt torn one hand want fight my demons on other want give up I also no at times felt want give up wouldn’t tell anyone what my intentions were, fact he’d taken a minor OD suggested he was at some element of risk , the fact 2 days prior reached out again saw his GP and his GP only offering Tea an Biscuits should have again highlighted needed help, highlighted again was a risk but because in the community the grey area he had capacity make choice did, if admitted to hospital till his key worker who became dependant on may have kept him alive, kept him hate say safe because he’d have been took away from what his stressor obsessing about his housing, finances,benefits,low self worth due been unemployed and his death would have been prevented if detained because not detained he stayed been at immediate risk, regardless been in the community, been in hospital the fact remains he was not mentally ok an that meant he was at immediate risk, I’m saddened the coroner didn’t grant because he has all the evidence their say was immediate risk but because 12 months outdated and not reviewed by those who were supposed to coroner has assumption then not an immediate risk, he at that period was , he was for the last 2 1/2 years of his life was an immediate risk an never stopped been adequate an a up to date review would have proved that but wasn’t and why arguing failed in his care it saddens me that powers that are responsible and their actions are now impacting on the legality’s and imposing further on our fight for answers why, we only want answers why to mourn, to heal, so lessons can be learned other families don’t feel our pain, people like Tim be saved, it saddens me more that if wasn’t for Legal Aid funding we wouldn’t have got this far, we’ve to hope now we can get continued funding to take to Judicial review and potentially try bring about new case law and get Article 2 be granted and it’s a fight we want to fight for , the services that were responsible , the ones with all the answers, one who not engaging with us as the family the state has an unlimited money pot for their legal army, talk about them having the unlimited power an control, we as a family should not be saddened, worrying about now the If and If get funding all families who’ve lost a loved an have go through the inquest process should automatically be funded more so when is the state going up against an for us that’s the NHS an local council we’re does anyone get the money to take them on to get the answers, the justice for lessons be learned and I can only pray, hope, wish funding continues if not I don’t know what we’ll do next I only no we won’t be throwing towel in, well come out fighting that bit more.
After what was a shit morning we did however still remain optimistic, plodded on with our day still continued with wanting support NHS England with their Learning From Deaths work and headed down to Quarry house in Leeds to feed into preparations for attending an event in WestMinister to continue an drive the work forward I must admit I took my tension from the morning out on the taxi driver so was composed when went in, sorry to the roadrunners taxi driver, were still optimistic as a family we can try ensure families not treated in same we’ve been , we’re still optimistic we can make something good to come from something terrible, we’re hopeful to that at the event we can be matched with the trust that failed Tim so we can demonstrate that families can work together with them an hope that they see after the event is important to meet with us as a family start the process again work with us to understand the why’s the if’s and importantly us work together on what could have been done differently an would have potentially prevented Tim’s death an hopefully us work with them to prevent deaths like Tims so deaths like his don’t become grey areas and so can only hope too as we continue fight for an Article 2 Inquest that in meantime we can work with the trust and lessons from his death be learned,
As a family we’ve tried be compassionate, empathetic an understanding with the Trust tried listen to potential excuses why failings, funding, staff shortages, difficulty getting access to certain services an continually try engage with them so why’s it hard for them do that as fundamentally they should do that, it’s not them that’s facing pain an heartache we are an should be us not them had choice hide behind closed doors because not ready face but we’ve no choice we have to face to fight and so Tim for you we will continue to do so.
Last night I was emailed by National Mind as one of their campaigners to submit to them a 20 word tweet that they would tweet today as part of their campaign to stop the #MHCuts and #protectthe #NHS. Today at same time am enroute to London to work with the Royal College of Psychiatry as a service User an Carer board member to their conference as they look at the five year forward and community mental health transformation Pathway and sadly the start of today feels bittersweet an bleak as with every will in the way even with the most passionate people their an even with every bit of negative stories shared to learn from an even stories of good practice that could be implemented service users, carers, family members an 3rd sector, social care and statutory services will be still up against and the money needs to be their, Funding needs to be made available to many lives are currently either been failed or lost due to failings in Mental Health Care, My brother sadly has been one of those lives been lost when he sadly lost his live people did say more needed to be done for Mental Health Services that their was long waiting times, difficulty accessing services, not enough acccess to regular contact with professionals overseeing care, unable access therapy, crisis care an specialised support an at time wasn’t ready listen to that as an excuse or factor in my brother’s death as in today’s society we should be able provide adequate care, funding should be their and so why isn’t it why did our government help assist in my brother taking his own life where were they were was the money that should have got him a bed at a specialist my rehab an recovery unit as it was down to their been a 2 year waiting list and funding why when he an us as a family were turned down for when he first presented needing help, were was our govt when he was unfairly detained in prison due to a mh breakdown an no beds available for him a judge would of spared him that if their had been a bed available for him, my brother thought so hard to recover but he was always up against it passed from service to service, no regular community mental health or social care support became lost in a system designed to protect people, I could stay bitter an hate the system but it does me or my family nor my brother’s memory any good we can only fight for change campaign for and use my brother’s story his memory to ensure no other family goes through what we do, its heart wrenching, gut wrenching an mum I know you’ll read so sorry if upsets you but it is soul destroying knowing your loved one died feeling alone an that apart from his family no one cared for him and that he was made feel that an that no one was going to help him and that after 21/2 years felt exhausted every Avenue and in desperation did something stupid and sadly it cost him his life an it breaks my heart he died alone in a place supposed to be providing him support an care an supposedly their just be funded be private landlords as a sister feeling that pain is unbearable so I ask if on twitter please copy an share my tweet ” My brother’s suicide could have been prevented if had access to specialised support deaths like his can be prevented stop mh cuts. include my name . @KatieAnnSiobhan and share my blog and #Do4Tim #StoptheMHCuts my family and I can’t so Teresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Jeremy Hunt, The Chief exec of NHS England were’s they money gone, where’s the money to fund #mhcare if don’t provide an deliver sadly more lives will be lost in memory of my brother please don’t let that happen.
On the 26th August 2016 my life as I knew it stopped, yet the world still continued to move and time did not stop, On the morning of the 26th I woke with a 101 things needed an wanted to do planned phone my sister see if she needed me go back across an see her and help sort out her housing issues, I have a big mouth an person in my family known shout and get people heard, catch up around the house , try do something fun with my son, knew I had to phone my brother Timothy check up on if he was ok as had a missed call the day before upset and pleading for help that voicemail will now forever haunt me. Even though I knew I wanted phone my brother for some reason I kept dawdling putting off when woke was telling myself will do but first Katie need sort Myles. Whilst Myles managed was having his breakfast I thought I’d take 5 have my coffee then phone Tim my mobile rang it was my Nanna’s number that came up for a moment before answering in my heart I prayed my grandad was ok as part of me thought she was phoning about him. Nothing could prepare me for me for what she said I won’t fully divulge the full details but enough just to say my brother had taken his own life, I’m not sure if was because didn’t hear her say first time or because zoned out to what she was saying or stupidly didn’t know how respond to but I had to ask her repeat what she said the first time and it was then in that moment that instant I knew my brother an best friend had gone an From that moment on life changed for a long time for me life has stopped even though is moving around past me but me for me the world stopped that day as I’ve not wanted move on nor ready to I struggle accept Tim’s gone not ready face that harsh reality an reality of why I convince myself he’s busy he’s happy but he’s ok I suppose they’re the things I like believe he has found in Heaven. I don’t view my friendships, my relationships in the same way as I used to I don’t seem bothered for idle gossip, coffee an play date catch ups and selfishly no interest in other people’s life’s as am purely focused now on protecting my own little family unit an that of my immediate family my mum, my brother, my sisters an our children I feel I owe it them play big bro and big sis and I owe it Tim to keep his memory alive. We don’t call the actions Tim took as Suicide as we see it his death could have been prevented the 21/2 years leading up to that date showed my brother’s fight for Recovery to be him again he reached out so many times asking for help us as a family did too spent many a night with him in a and e as did the local police force taking him down to be assessed but time and time again even when free from still ignored his Mental Health needs and blamed the drugs or the things he was obsessing over and paranoid about were social matters and couldn’t help yes you could because they’d took over his Mental Functioning he became tormented by a doll that he first thought was his protector but then it took hold an control it spoke to him, bullied him and controlled him to point morphed into that persona but apparently that too got overlooked he engaged with volunteering wanted go back to work, wanted a place call home, wanted feel human again most importantly he wanted be Tim again an he did fight so hard to have that but sadly he became to dependant on one key worker and probably dependant on Crypt an lighthouse his safe space became sanctuary and his bubble. Services sadly enabled that too happen they didn’t take him on their recovery bus help him with his Self Care, identify an address his triggers what to do when crisis hit an were to go when needed help but yet at crisis told him he had to ask for I used to thing they were either a) blindly ignorant orb) extremely stupid as he’s here can’t you see him he’s asking I can see, I can hear why not you. Right up until the day he died he was screaming for help I’ll never understand why when he was taken to a and e why never admitted, never understand neither why his gp only offered him coffee an biscuits you saw he was broken why didn’t you get him help. Where he was living they advertised provided crisis an respite support and will never understand why they didn’t offer him an nor will I accept that they’re not partly accountable as how can you just be private landlords if we’re he was living was under assessment an classed as a transitional home a place supporting people with needs like Tims is probably why I don’t accept is Suicide as because I know more could have been done an I know Tim I know the act he carried out he did was because most drastic the one that would get them really see he was screaming out for help also I suppose I don’t call suicide because I’m not ready accept he didn’t want to be hear no more, not ready accept he wanted to leave us and nor ready accept it was his Time. They’res loads been spoken of at the moment about suicide an zero alliance a zero attitude to suicide I kind of feel that doesn’t relate to my brother as he and the family knew the signs even told people providing Tims care what look out for an when he was in extreme distress he wasn’t a danger to others but himself, Tim also had suspected LD was a recovering addict around 12 months free of substance misuse he was also someone who ended up past from pillar to post and a vulnerable adult and was known to services an should have been supported I feel that the zero alliance is looking at suicide prevention from people that are not known so what do you do for people that are known an how do you help them an how do you help families like mine come to terms an face the harsh reality they’ve lost a loved one to suicide so for the time being ill fight for answers for him, try make Services work better to support people like him, I’ll keep his memory alive an I’ll keep campaigning more should have been done an I’ll continue shout his death was not suicide but a preventable one an ill do that for him in the hope others do not become lost and that through him others maybe found an that people like him they’re lives are made to matter an not tossed to one side an so that people like him have the oppurtunities to be a part of society, be human again but most importantly be a person as Tim he just wanted be Tim again x