I’m laid in the dark feeling nervous, anxious sick to my stomach my baby sleeping next to me, my baby been my 4 year old son. Either at Midnight or sometime tomorrow my baby will get his email confirming his school place. At first I was only anxious would we get our first choice, then it was anxious would he adjust going full time Monday to Friday, then when nursery started introducing homework as part of getting school ready that anxiety hit is Myles school ready then I had the excitement ooh I’ll have all this extra time can look at having my life an identity back try have a career but then hit with the stark sadness an anxiety crap am going to have all this time an how am I gonna fit in Myles have so many different expereiences us doing stuff together time will be drastically confined to weekends an soon the school holidays. Myles has grown to quick times gone too fast the Milestones are forced stages of transition, times forcing me to face up to he’s no longer a baby, nor infant nor toddler I’m not ready for the next stages I want to keep him as my baby for longer. Stomachs knotting, twisting heart beating ten to dozen, palms sweating, fear, panic, kicking in one email changes everything, one email don’t think actually want to open, one email don’t want to be one that forces the realisation Myles school is which equals Myles is a baby no more don’t want fell that sadness, that feeling of loss that comes with the next stage an Milestone. That emails also the stark reminder of a moment a milestone never had with Marybeth it’s a stark reminder of a moment missed out on with her. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t open, didn’t acknowledge would it go away could I keep Myles as an infant, baby, toddler a little longer, I wonder if Myles is aware an understands the process of been ready for school it would make the anxieties easier manage if he was able say Mum I’m ready it’s time but he’s only 4 an that’s a big ask of a 4 year old say Mum I’m ready for my next Milestone, next chapter in my journey, I’m ready mum for school, I’m picturing though me wanting shout but Mummy’s not ready just yet can we not just keep you are just a little longer an us choose when ready for Myles next Milestone because how do I cope, how do I let my little boy grow up x x
This last week I’ve heard you say the words ” I can’t ” an a thought bubble in my head pops up ” no such word as can’t “, I never say verbally I coax you , I guide you , I help you with what your struggling with an I tell you how proud ” I am ” learning to count, dress yourself an put your coat on by yourself are big things to do when your 4 and something we have work on as I know in September when you go into full time school be expected to do an I don’t want you feel scared or under pressure or even laughed at if can’t do because sadly children don’t mean be cruel but can be but I’ll do whatever I can make it a smooth transition for you because mummy can’t come school an fight your corner like I do now,
As you’ll get older and grow you’ll be compared to others based on how u look, your weight, the clothes you were, your in status an even on your sexuality but at 4 that’s not something thing off right now but all you need know is that I your mum will always be proud, I will always thing your perfect , I will always thing your amazing.
I’ve noticed that people already have started comparing you to others picture you as a naughty child one who needs boundaries because you are loud, have ants in your pants and don’t sit still and have to be a mini tornado, to me I don’t curb that I don’t tell you be silent because I see it’s a gift your excited about the world, the people an places we see your growing your identity an building up your confidence an who am I too halt that my jobs to nurture you, build you up , I see your loudness to as a positive one of things I love about you.
From a young age through the bereavements we’ve faced you from a young age had an understanding for pain, for sadness a natural gift for compassion something as adults an life’s pressures we forget how to be compassionate you understood and knew Mummy was sad in your own way I think you was trying ask for help for me when you told people mummy was sad and I did feel guilty you sensed that because as your mum I want protect you from all lives heartaches but sadly I’ve to accept I can’t.
Last week you faced your first experience of heartache and able share your best friend was not your best friend he wanted to play with someone else an sadly the someone else was the girl in your class who you class as your girlfriend the little girl who’s hand you hold on the bus and who u like to share your sweets an walk into school with I’d like thing I handled the situation ok told you it’s ok they’re still your friends they’re giving u a chance make more new friends as at 4 I don’t want you to understand the pain of exclusion or to see so I hope I handled well and made u feel ok.
This sadly is the first of many relationships an break ups you’lll experience but was secretly relieved when we bumped into your best friend at the shops an he rushed to you to say hello and couldn’t wait to see you at school so you could both play as he’d put a smile back on your face.
I’m waffling now so I’ll stop I just wanted to write this blog an dedicate this blog for you for children’s mental health week to let you know I love you, I will nurture an support you an whenever u need am always here an don’t ever thing am not because whatever u face u can always count on me to be their and can come to me with anything x x
On the 1st of February it’s Time To Talk Day I for last few years not partaken in for various reason’s but this year I have because it’s dawned on me people don’t rarely get to try and know me, talk to me, have painted a not nice picture of me not taken time to get to know me or Try understand me they’ll look down when I pass, try look busy, let’s not ask Katie how she is,
These last 18 months have been the most loneliest an most challenging especially with trying raise a toddler an self maintain having PTSD and I was hit with losing my brother to a preventable suicide an passing of my grandad closest thing had to a Dad.
These last 18 months I’ve struggled felt isolated people’s lives moved on mine didn’t , people didn’t want ask me how I was after my brother’s death because they didn’t know how I’d react I’m pictured as an angry, volatile person because have gone 0-10 on blow my head shouting scale but people don’t realise if I persevere I or my sons at threat I will become heightened an will react an I will use certain instances to react because the things that I don’t want to nor ready face come to terms with an deal with I try ignore but I get overwhelmed by something as simple as someone telling my child off is enough to spark that fuse and I’ll explode and I understand that when I explode it’s not a pretty site, I hate myself after it , I will bully myself turn in on myself I attack an put myself, I’ve also been known in certain situations known to suddenly drop everything and run because I don’t want people see the upset, the pain I don’t want people see me react me be weak, be vulnerable, don’t want feel trapped, panicked and nor do I want explode so see I’m stuck in a catch 22 do I blow up, do I let you see me upset.
I can’t though let you see me upset because you’ve not given me a chance, got to know me, not got to understand me a handful of people do they don’t see me as a scary, psycho mad person they see the scared person the person that’s hurting they see past that side of me they know it’s something that’s part of me can’t change no amount of therapy an anger management an counselling will help I’ve just had to adapt, to accept that’s one of my traits and angry Katie is only a small part of me but it’s the part that stands out.
It saddens me and hurts me that people may feel intimidated or scared of me because I’m not a scary or bad person nor am I violent I just get aggressive but that’s because I trying be assertive an protect myself but it comes out like a loud screaming banshee and I’m not that person all the time just a small percent off but because people don’t get past that point sadly the world does become lonely an isolating I try pretend it doesn’t hurt, try ignore how people are, I find myself now to avoiding people because when you stop to talk I struggle know what say, can’t pretend alls ok when not, selfishly don’t want hear how lives great don’t want pretend neither it is and rather not have people squirm , cut short conversations when do try open up because then I’m protecting me not opening up, exposing myself protecting my heart, ,my well being my self care.
Learning how to feel live with my emotions was a blessing at first but not so much at the moment because how now perceived when hit a stumbling block an working way through, medication, therapy hasn’t been an option for me I don’t yet trust services because how I ended up in past an because failings which led my brother’s death I plod on try attack get through each day one at a time.
If people took time to get to know me, too ask , too be my friend they’d see the nice Katie, friendly one,one whould go try out way make sure is ok but people struggle give me a chance I need people do that because it’s only way I’ll be able let you in because I struggle let people in because I’m that used been hurt, rejected people pick up on perceptions on me that I don’t let my guard down an sadly even though I’m extrovert need you make first move an try.
Theirs been days I’ve felt that lost, that alone questioned my existence have had days wished not woken up because don’t want go through life perceived something not, wanted life go back how was too been good but I can’t change the last 18 months just try get me back in check an I’m doing slowly but sadly I’ll always be held back if people can’t see past a small part of me.. and so for Time To Talk Day I wanted to address people picturing me as a monster, psycho, a person feel intimidated by because deep down that’s not me also I want people too try understand how when your anxious, feel at risk an have ptsd you don’t see logical ways out and when we talk about Mental Health we don’t talk much about anger, and how anger is a part of Mental health an how anger has people perceived an so I thought I’d through my blog challenge an address because here’s safe do I can be vulnerable because I’m hid behind the keyboard however tomorrow u may see me in person an if do just try say hello wish me a good day make me feel visible, accepted a chance belong because I do try my very best and don’t want to be seen anymore as scary, psycho Katie and so I hope on Time To Talk Day people see past someone’s Mental Health an see the person that’s within.
Today Dad I saw you again, brought Myles with Me, Myles has seen you know twice he knows your his Grandad he loved playing his games with you today an only wanted play them with you he dosent know the you from the past nor care about or need know to him building a relationship with you is easy, child’s play he gets to know you for the now, the hear, the present to him it’s like you’ve always been their even though it only twice he does not get anxious or panic an worry about what we’ll talk about or say, will it feel strange or awkward dosent need pray for Gods intervention an be on our side as we pray an build a new relationship, wish I could follow Myles lead an attitude not let fear or the past get in the way because your are different to the Dad I Knew and used be, I know that the Drink stopped you from being the Dad I wanted you be and I can’t keep partly holding you responsible for things that went on in my life because when do that will stop us moving forward also Drink was the poison not you and wasn’t your personally that was not their it was the Drink that took you away. It was nice to watch Myles and you play it made it easier to chat an talk as you did, it felt normal like an everyday afternoon of a daughter an her son visiting Grandad and pleased went like that, I’m pleased Myles too taken to you wants be around you, see you play with you and feels safe an loves you automatically because your his Grandad and he’s a good judge of character too an today was nice follow Myles lead and attitude and the foundations an building blocks of our relationship be built on the today’s an the tommorows the moments have an can plan have, build how a child would build a relationship one free of guilt and judgement an one of love an innocence an natural care free approach to its strange a four year old been a mediator, the bridge of the gap and not realise they are but that’s the magic I suppose of been a child and child’s play as to them it’s easy, simple they don’t see ifs, buts, whys an the what ifs to them theirs no process navigate, mediate an weigh up an assess. The quiet an awkward moments were their but only briefly Myles he as soon as felt that was loud look at me an so snap out off. I hope our relationship continues to grow an Too flourish we’re still in the very early days taking baby steps so since doing that will build up like child’s play now so that we grow, we develop, we’re strong an when stumble as toddle jump back up an brush down for its time to take that journey, that walk those baby steps here’s to having a child like, childs play attitude and thank you to both you and Myles for today as it’s time I had my Dad back in my life and looking forward to our journey now an we’re will lead us too x x x x
We’re now in December the time of year people get in too the spirit of been festive an giving an Christmas cheer, children get excited about what they wish for on their lists comes true because Santa sees an grants their wishes. People are getting out the advent calendars, planning to watch all the xmas movies in the build up too, theirs elves on shelves, tress been put up lights an all the trimmings, trips to xmas markets, festive light switch ons, and for kids santa too.
As a parent you have to do theses things for your child, I’ve to currently do them for mine but when you’ve had an emotional and rough year an a half suffered bereavement after bereavement, been hit with major changes an disruptions to your home life an only just try navigate get back on track is hard to feel festive get in to that Christmas spirit because we’re was the magic when you needed it, At Christmas we talk about the gifts of Joy, Hope an Peace these are gifts you need all year round, everyday especially to get through what live throws at you.
For most this time of year will be filled with fun an cheer but spare a thought for those it’s probably not, in 2009 I had what was one of the xmas I’d say was a bad one I spent it detained under the Mental Health Act Under Section 3, I didn’t open presents under the tree but on a hospital bed, I didn’t have the full xmas dinner with my family but strangers instead their was no tree, no lights no decorations no festive cheer their was no Christmas magic that year so at xmas I do reflect on that thing of all who maybe going through that.
In 2013 I’d say I had what was my best Christmas I’d just had my son my very own Christmas miracle after losing a child born stillborn in March 2002 I thought I’d never have a child of my own an as time went on I gave up op on having one and so even though I’ve now got Myles I do to spare a thought for parents facing harsh reality of knowing the pain what it’s like to lose a child especially getting through that 1st xmas every xmas I still imagine how it’d be if had Marybeth an do more so now I’ve Myles to celebrate with, I also spare a thought for those who desperstley wanted a child an pain not having one and seeing friends an families having families of their own even though your happy you still feel like you’ve had your heart tugged out.
Last xmas I was not excited for nor looking forward too because it was to be the first xmas without my brother Tim, I remember using my son , my niece n nephews as my driving force to get through because they’re just kids they don’t need face the harsh realities of live, I knew also for my mum had try an do something to ease her through xmas as knew would be difficult her go through and knew xmas would heighten pain she felt.
So I brought the magic of Christmas to my house I threw my son an his twin cousins a Christmas themed birthday party, invited Santa Claus round the children’s excitement an faces an look of joy injected that little bit of hope an magic get through, I still got Tim a card an present as Wasn’t ready to not too even took part in arranging a toy collection for George’s Crypt for Children who face some of the most bleakest things in life an did in memory of Tim kinda wished did again this year but sadly life got in way an other stuff get through so maybe next year I’ll do.
Again this year I will try steer my family through highs an lows of the festive period and be hopeful in new year we’ll get the answers we’re looking for surrounding my brother’s death , I’ll hold both Myles nanna, great nanna and his grandma in my heart an pray they find a way get through this time of year as they go through their first xmases without John and without Alan in the winter night sky and when the stars twinkle I’ll whisper to Myles that’s his sister, uncle an great grandads watching over coming down to say Merry Xmas an that in spirit we’re still here just not near but have not completely gone and will always be with him in spirit an heart,
As I’ve wrote this blog I’ve wondered why write I suppose it’s my way of saying that I will fake my way through xmas for Myles starting by next week taking him to the magical world of Thomas land for his early bday treat , I’ll put up a tree lights an decorations when we get back, I’ll try do something nice with mum whilst we’re down at Westminster helping NHS England around their Learning From Deaths work as we remain hopeful an optomistic can make a difference for families in the future who may face similar experiences to ours but they be supported with compassion an empathy unlike us. When come back do the mad xmas shop, present buying an wrapping for my loved ones get excited at thought watching them feel gift of joy when they get the gifts they’ve wished for an I’ve realised in one way I’m acknowledging Christmas can be a difficult kind of year but also as I’ve reflected on I’m slowly injecing into me ways I’ll find Christmas gift of hope too have the joy an spirit too want to celebrate be festive an try to find the missing magic an hope too others who’s missing that too I pray that you may find ways to find x x x
Their are times I don’t agree with certain social media movement #tags their are times do and #me too is one of those that do people been empowered to speak out say me too if been a victim of sexual assault or harassment. Anyone regardless of age, sex, sexuality,race,faith,disability is at risk at sometime in their live at risk off.
I have varying Mental Health Diagnosis an all of which I have no choice but self maintain because they are the result of the trauma of been a childhood sexual abuse victim it’s taken me a long time too no longer be ashamed of myself, to no longer feel dirty, to no longer hate myself, I had to learn to love myself see the good in me to be able let my family in to let them love me an me be deserving of that love an me love them back and to trust them let them be apart of my life trust they’ll protect be and be their, I tested them, pushed them away took the pain an anger I felt out on them it took them to say you scare us when you get angry but we know your hurting it’s ok was the big breakthrough needed I didn’t want no longer take my pain out on me and nor them either, I didn’t blame them.
I once got the opportunity to film a portrait of my life sadly my old trust didn’t air or broadcast but that doesn’t bother me because my mum whose also been hurt in the past got to watch and got to see and the girl on the screen me got to tell her I didn’t ever blame you an never did.
Been a victim of childhood sexual abuse continues to impact my life also does my 3 1/2 year old sons life if people pass comment about him, parents judge his behaviour and tell him off have been known turn me from calm mum to psycho mum because in my eyes I perceive as my child’s at risk from harm risk of been hurt the child abuse victim in me goes into survival self destruct and attack mode it’s not nice for me nor people around me experience and in instances I flee just scoop my son up and go but fleeing does me then a greater harm because I then internalise all the anger an frustration onto myself the childhood abuse victim inside me turns on me I’m a coward, why did you run, challenges me and can make me feel then very intimidated and in cases be paranoid and intimidated by others.
As my son gets older he’ll get used to how I am an he’ll get used see how get and he too is at risk of unnecessarily learning survival mode Behaviour I can’t help how I get nor can I help my son learning the person who hurt me though he’s too blame he preyed on me, groomed me an manipulated me destroyed me for a time an my family he’s too blame. Everytime I go into survival mode it’s because I was vulnerable, a child, I couldn’t protect myself, keep myself safe my control was took away and to an extent my abuser still has a hold on me still has some power over me.
Speaking out though gives me some control, some power, gives me strength to speak out and say Me Too and I don’t do for pity I do because I want others that maybe not yet spoken out feel that they can do too because the more people say Me Too the more control and power we can reclaim back, people that have victims can become surviviours no longer blame themselves an be ashamed.
I recently chatted with someone about my abuse they asked me because I’m a Christian does it mean I’ve to forgive my abuser an I told them no it dosent it’s ok to be rightouse about my anger towards my abuser in time I may want to work towards forgiving him but at the moment I don’t as would mean overcoming an working through that trauma an at the moment trying pretend is not their and boxing up is easier, I did tell them though I have had to work on forgiving myself an forgiving myself for the hatred had towards myself, the child abuse victim inside me has had learn to forgive me because a part inside me blamed her but she was defenceless an I see now I couldn’t prevent what happened I can just protect that part now as I do my son, I’ve had to forgive myself for blaming myself, holding myself responsible and for been ashamed of myself and even allowing myself be further sexually exploited when put myself at unnecessary risk from harm when behaved in promiscuous ways because hated myself that much.
Saying Me too and speaking out means I too can take off that burden of shame held onto and used against me an now let go off.
I hope people reading and Too been victims can find strength say Me Too as you’ll see not alone x x x Time to Take your Power Back x x
I wake up every morning not wanting get out of bed, not wanting face the outside world, I don’t want see anyone, don’t want to have to function or care, I get stressed, irritable frustrated at thought of want stay hid under the covers, I feel sick stomach thought have plod on an get a grip of myself face the day can I muster the strength to pretend I’m ok.
Today The dark clouds descended over took hold got a grip, I know am depressed, know why am depressed so today’s a fight to get through it kinda day. My sons next to me he’s hyper excited throws his lift of requests playgyms, Conker picking, my heart sinks my first parenting fail money’s tight bills due out one too many birthdays this month and thought may need replace the missing school jumper in nursery. We won’t be doing playgym this week but I’ll pretend we will I hate lying to my child and do guilt an feeling a failure hit and the sadness looms over and the irritableness stirs and thought today’s gonna be another one of those days.
I have to face the day though I have to muster all my strength I have a child who needs me a child who doesn’t realise he’s what’s keeping Mummy going her reason get up try fight each day.
I’ll snap at myself right its wake up time , wake up time it is. Right son fresh bot bot coming up, Kettle on coffee for me, tea cakes sliced in the toaster, kettle boils , toaster pop god I hope today’s one of those days nothing happens, no incidents nothing inside me gets triggered, made anxious, I don’t go into flight mode or survival attack mode an pop, It’s really not easy facing each day in day out but have to the voice from the living room shouting tea cakes, fresh bot bot reminds me have to my toddler, my saving grace. I butter the tea cakes, jam on boo’s put the lid on the bot bot give it a shake, tell Boo sit up straight breakfasts ready your energy for the day your fuel for your belly, your ready for anything if only that felt true to me as for boo it does he munches away in between mouthfuls outlines his day all things he’s going do he’s excited at all things he plans, parenting fail 2 why can’t I have his outlook his insight his innocence, his wisdom the obliviousness to his actions an the actions of others too the he doesn’t care armour because he’s not quite learned that milestone yet the one how he is affects others an how others attitudes can affect him, toddlers have great thick skin why do we lose that as we grow it would help me an awful lot if had because I can get stressed, can get upset , worked up even pop depending on my interactions with others and how day goes some days are easy and on top of world can do anything, be anything and be a something rather than feel a nothing I hate the feel am nothing days make me get even madder at myself hope n pray my son never feels as I do experience life’s cruelty like have an feels has to fight to survive, get through each day, time get ready muster all got, gotta put that mask on, gotta fight on through, breakfast ate coffee drunk, sounds of a bot bot been bled dry n teet pop sound he’s too done. Right time get ready clothes out the drawers, fill the sink , tooth brushes on the sink ready, Boo stretches over reaches for the soap wash hands Mummy, yep boo wash hands let’s wash the soap in let’s build up mummy’s mask I think inside it’s part of the process armouring up for the day , right hands washed plug out water gurgles down plug wish the things getting to me could also go down the plug hole gurgle gurgle , unfortunately though they won’t , right boo lets do them gnashers open wide it’s quite therapeutic brushing boos gnashers he gets excited when done it’s mouth dancing time doing his mouth wash n makes his wow pop noise minty fresh, his smile makes me smile a lil envious wish had his childish innocent outlook my boo he’s all medicine I need he can do life so I’ll do life too so god please let today be one of those days that goes ok. Right boo we got this let’s get dressed we’ve faced morning lets do this let’s face today an all it brings we got this, we can do this ,we got through morning we can get through the day. Because I know not everyday will feel like this, not everyday will be like today, today maybe a challenge but tomorrow will be ok so come on Boo we got this let’s get through today.