Today Dad I saw you again, brought Myles with Me, Myles has seen you know twice he knows your his Grandad he loved playing his games with you today an only wanted play them with you he dosent know the you from the past nor care about or need know to him building a relationship with you is easy, child’s play he gets to know you for the now, the hear, the present to him it’s like you’ve always been their even though it only twice he does not get anxious or panic an worry about what we’ll talk about or say, will it feel strange or awkward dosent need pray for Gods intervention an be on our side as we pray an build a new relationship, wish I could follow Myles lead an attitude not let fear or the past get in the way because your are different to the Dad I Knew and used be, I know that the Drink stopped you from being the Dad I wanted you be and I can’t keep partly holding you responsible for things that went on in my life because when do that will stop us moving forward also Drink was the poison not you and wasn’t your personally that was not their it was the Drink that took you away. It was nice to watch Myles and you play it made it easier to chat an talk as you did, it felt normal like an everyday afternoon of a daughter an her son visiting Grandad and pleased went like that, I’m pleased Myles too taken to you wants be around you, see you play with you and feels safe an loves you automatically because your his Grandad and he’s a good judge of character too an today was nice follow Myles lead and attitude and the foundations an building blocks of our relationship be built on the today’s an the tommorows the moments have an can plan have, build how a child would build a relationship one free of guilt and judgement an one of love an innocence an natural care free approach to its strange a four year old been a mediator, the bridge of the gap and not realise they are but that’s the magic I suppose of been a child and child’s play as to them it’s easy, simple they don’t see ifs, buts, whys an the what ifs to them theirs no process navigate, mediate an weigh up an assess. The quiet an awkward moments were their but only briefly Myles he as soon as felt that was loud look at me an so snap out off. I hope our relationship continues to grow an Too flourish we’re still in the very early days taking baby steps so since doing that will build up like child’s play now so that we grow, we develop, we’re strong an when stumble as toddle jump back up an brush down for its time to take that journey, that walk those baby steps here’s to having a child like, childs play attitude and thank you to both you and Myles for today as it’s time I had my Dad back in my life and looking forward to our journey now an we’re will lead us too x x x x
We’re now in December the time of year people get in too the spirit of been festive an giving an Christmas cheer, children get excited about what they wish for on their lists comes true because Santa sees an grants their wishes. People are getting out the advent calendars, planning to watch all the xmas movies in the build up too, theirs elves on shelves, tress been put up lights an all the trimmings, trips to xmas markets, festive light switch ons, and for kids santa too.
As a parent you have to do theses things for your child, I’ve to currently do them for mine but when you’ve had an emotional and rough year an a half suffered bereavement after bereavement, been hit with major changes an disruptions to your home life an only just try navigate get back on track is hard to feel festive get in to that Christmas spirit because we’re was the magic when you needed it, At Christmas we talk about the gifts of Joy, Hope an Peace these are gifts you need all year round, everyday especially to get through what live throws at you.
For most this time of year will be filled with fun an cheer but spare a thought for those it’s probably not, in 2009 I had what was one of the xmas I’d say was a bad one I spent it detained under the Mental Health Act Under Section 3, I didn’t open presents under the tree but on a hospital bed, I didn’t have the full xmas dinner with my family but strangers instead their was no tree, no lights no decorations no festive cheer their was no Christmas magic that year so at xmas I do reflect on that thing of all who maybe going through that.
In 2013 I’d say I had what was my best Christmas I’d just had my son my very own Christmas miracle after losing a child born stillborn in March 2002 I thought I’d never have a child of my own an as time went on I gave up op on having one and so even though I’ve now got Myles I do to spare a thought for parents facing harsh reality of knowing the pain what it’s like to lose a child especially getting through that 1st xmas every xmas I still imagine how it’d be if had Marybeth an do more so now I’ve Myles to celebrate with, I also spare a thought for those who desperstley wanted a child an pain not having one and seeing friends an families having families of their own even though your happy you still feel like you’ve had your heart tugged out.
Last xmas I was not excited for nor looking forward too because it was to be the first xmas without my brother Tim, I remember using my son , my niece n nephews as my driving force to get through because they’re just kids they don’t need face the harsh realities of live, I knew also for my mum had try an do something to ease her through xmas as knew would be difficult her go through and knew xmas would heighten pain she felt.
So I brought the magic of Christmas to my house I threw my son an his twin cousins a Christmas themed birthday party, invited Santa Claus round the children’s excitement an faces an look of joy injected that little bit of hope an magic get through, I still got Tim a card an present as Wasn’t ready to not too even took part in arranging a toy collection for George’s Crypt for Children who face some of the most bleakest things in life an did in memory of Tim kinda wished did again this year but sadly life got in way an other stuff get through so maybe next year I’ll do.
Again this year I will try steer my family through highs an lows of the festive period and be hopeful in new year we’ll get the answers we’re looking for surrounding my brother’s death , I’ll hold both Myles nanna, great nanna and his grandma in my heart an pray they find a way get through this time of year as they go through their first xmases without John and without Alan in the winter night sky and when the stars twinkle I’ll whisper to Myles that’s his sister, uncle an great grandads watching over coming down to say Merry Xmas an that in spirit we’re still here just not near but have not completely gone and will always be with him in spirit an heart,
As I’ve wrote this blog I’ve wondered why write I suppose it’s my way of saying that I will fake my way through xmas for Myles starting by next week taking him to the magical world of Thomas land for his early bday treat , I’ll put up a tree lights an decorations when we get back, I’ll try do something nice with mum whilst we’re down at Westminster helping NHS England around their Learning From Deaths work as we remain hopeful an optomistic can make a difference for families in the future who may face similar experiences to ours but they be supported with compassion an empathy unlike us. When come back do the mad xmas shop, present buying an wrapping for my loved ones get excited at thought watching them feel gift of joy when they get the gifts they’ve wished for an I’ve realised in one way I’m acknowledging Christmas can be a difficult kind of year but also as I’ve reflected on I’m slowly injecing into me ways I’ll find Christmas gift of hope too have the joy an spirit too want to celebrate be festive an try to find the missing magic an hope too others who’s missing that too I pray that you may find ways to find x x x
Their are times I don’t agree with certain social media movement #tags their are times do and #me too is one of those that do people been empowered to speak out say me too if been a victim of sexual assault or harassment. Anyone regardless of age, sex, sexuality,race,faith,disability is at risk at sometime in their live at risk off.
I have varying Mental Health Diagnosis an all of which I have no choice but self maintain because they are the result of the trauma of been a childhood sexual abuse victim it’s taken me a long time too no longer be ashamed of myself, to no longer feel dirty, to no longer hate myself, I had to learn to love myself see the good in me to be able let my family in to let them love me an me be deserving of that love an me love them back and to trust them let them be apart of my life trust they’ll protect be and be their, I tested them, pushed them away took the pain an anger I felt out on them it took them to say you scare us when you get angry but we know your hurting it’s ok was the big breakthrough needed I didn’t want no longer take my pain out on me and nor them either, I didn’t blame them.
I once got the opportunity to film a portrait of my life sadly my old trust didn’t air or broadcast but that doesn’t bother me because my mum whose also been hurt in the past got to watch and got to see and the girl on the screen me got to tell her I didn’t ever blame you an never did.
Been a victim of childhood sexual abuse continues to impact my life also does my 3 1/2 year old sons life if people pass comment about him, parents judge his behaviour and tell him off have been known turn me from calm mum to psycho mum because in my eyes I perceive as my child’s at risk from harm risk of been hurt the child abuse victim in me goes into survival self destruct and attack mode it’s not nice for me nor people around me experience and in instances I flee just scoop my son up and go but fleeing does me then a greater harm because I then internalise all the anger an frustration onto myself the childhood abuse victim inside me turns on me I’m a coward, why did you run, challenges me and can make me feel then very intimidated and in cases be paranoid and intimidated by others.
As my son gets older he’ll get used to how I am an he’ll get used see how get and he too is at risk of unnecessarily learning survival mode Behaviour I can’t help how I get nor can I help my son learning the person who hurt me though he’s too blame he preyed on me, groomed me an manipulated me destroyed me for a time an my family he’s too blame. Everytime I go into survival mode it’s because I was vulnerable, a child, I couldn’t protect myself, keep myself safe my control was took away and to an extent my abuser still has a hold on me still has some power over me.
Speaking out though gives me some control, some power, gives me strength to speak out and say Me Too and I don’t do for pity I do because I want others that maybe not yet spoken out feel that they can do too because the more people say Me Too the more control and power we can reclaim back, people that have victims can become surviviours no longer blame themselves an be ashamed.
I recently chatted with someone about my abuse they asked me because I’m a Christian does it mean I’ve to forgive my abuser an I told them no it dosent it’s ok to be rightouse about my anger towards my abuser in time I may want to work towards forgiving him but at the moment I don’t as would mean overcoming an working through that trauma an at the moment trying pretend is not their and boxing up is easier, I did tell them though I have had to work on forgiving myself an forgiving myself for the hatred had towards myself, the child abuse victim inside me has had learn to forgive me because a part inside me blamed her but she was defenceless an I see now I couldn’t prevent what happened I can just protect that part now as I do my son, I’ve had to forgive myself for blaming myself, holding myself responsible and for been ashamed of myself and even allowing myself be further sexually exploited when put myself at unnecessary risk from harm when behaved in promiscuous ways because hated myself that much.
Saying Me too and speaking out means I too can take off that burden of shame held onto and used against me an now let go off.
I hope people reading and Too been victims can find strength say Me Too as you’ll see not alone x x x Time to Take your Power Back x x
I wake up every morning not wanting get out of bed, not wanting face the outside world, I don’t want see anyone, don’t want to have to function or care, I get stressed, irritable frustrated at thought of want stay hid under the covers, I feel sick stomach thought have plod on an get a grip of myself face the day can I muster the strength to pretend I’m ok.
Today The dark clouds descended over took hold got a grip, I know am depressed, know why am depressed so today’s a fight to get through it kinda day. My sons next to me he’s hyper excited throws his lift of requests playgyms, Conker picking, my heart sinks my first parenting fail money’s tight bills due out one too many birthdays this month and thought may need replace the missing school jumper in nursery. We won’t be doing playgym this week but I’ll pretend we will I hate lying to my child and do guilt an feeling a failure hit and the sadness looms over and the irritableness stirs and thought today’s gonna be another one of those days.
I have to face the day though I have to muster all my strength I have a child who needs me a child who doesn’t realise he’s what’s keeping Mummy going her reason get up try fight each day.
I’ll snap at myself right its wake up time , wake up time it is. Right son fresh bot bot coming up, Kettle on coffee for me, tea cakes sliced in the toaster, kettle boils , toaster pop god I hope today’s one of those days nothing happens, no incidents nothing inside me gets triggered, made anxious, I don’t go into flight mode or survival attack mode an pop, It’s really not easy facing each day in day out but have to the voice from the living room shouting tea cakes, fresh bot bot reminds me have to my toddler, my saving grace. I butter the tea cakes, jam on boo’s put the lid on the bot bot give it a shake, tell Boo sit up straight breakfasts ready your energy for the day your fuel for your belly, your ready for anything if only that felt true to me as for boo it does he munches away in between mouthfuls outlines his day all things he’s going do he’s excited at all things he plans, parenting fail 2 why can’t I have his outlook his insight his innocence, his wisdom the obliviousness to his actions an the actions of others too the he doesn’t care armour because he’s not quite learned that milestone yet the one how he is affects others an how others attitudes can affect him, toddlers have great thick skin why do we lose that as we grow it would help me an awful lot if had because I can get stressed, can get upset , worked up even pop depending on my interactions with others and how day goes some days are easy and on top of world can do anything, be anything and be a something rather than feel a nothing I hate the feel am nothing days make me get even madder at myself hope n pray my son never feels as I do experience life’s cruelty like have an feels has to fight to survive, get through each day, time get ready muster all got, gotta put that mask on, gotta fight on through, breakfast ate coffee drunk, sounds of a bot bot been bled dry n teet pop sound he’s too done. Right time get ready clothes out the drawers, fill the sink , tooth brushes on the sink ready, Boo stretches over reaches for the soap wash hands Mummy, yep boo wash hands let’s wash the soap in let’s build up mummy’s mask I think inside it’s part of the process armouring up for the day , right hands washed plug out water gurgles down plug wish the things getting to me could also go down the plug hole gurgle gurgle , unfortunately though they won’t , right boo lets do them gnashers open wide it’s quite therapeutic brushing boos gnashers he gets excited when done it’s mouth dancing time doing his mouth wash n makes his wow pop noise minty fresh, his smile makes me smile a lil envious wish had his childish innocent outlook my boo he’s all medicine I need he can do life so I’ll do life too so god please let today be one of those days that goes ok. Right boo we got this let’s get dressed we’ve faced morning lets do this let’s face today an all it brings we got this, we can do this ,we got through morning we can get through the day. Because I know not everyday will feel like this, not everyday will be like today, today maybe a challenge but tomorrow will be ok so come on Boo we got this let’s get through today.
Every year I’ve sat back watched friends share their children’s first day at school nursery, reception an high school photos an every year I’ve smiled and liked an commented an wished good luck an every year my heart’s been tugged with sadness an Jealousy as I pictured what my little girl Marybeth would have looked like, I’d picture her with a smiley face, pig tails in her hair and in pinafore dress and chunky buckle shoes like I’d used to wear. I’d imagine her been excited lively and extra bouncy, I’d imagine waving her off on her first day and lining up with her class an waving me off going in. It’s always been something hard try share in because it’s a milestone we never had a moment never experienced and another slap in face never got to watch her grow up.
Today my 3 1/2 year old son had his first day at school nursery we woke up early we watched morning cartoons, I made him jam toasted on bagels as a sweet treat breakfast, he noticed the sweets I’d had last night so I said since your first day before you get ready you can have one, we didn’t stress or worry was nice we took our time. We chatted as we washed are hands an faces at the sink brushed our teeth together and my son asked me do his reminded me my eager big boy needed me.
It was a surreal experience dressing him in his uniform putting on his new school shoes, and brushing his hair ready and packing his school bag I’d waited so long for this moment so it was a moment I’d wanted savour. It was a moment I’d always imagined have with Marybeth but today was a real blessing share with my son I couldn’t be sad with him when messing about when trying take that first day photo nor did I try pressurise him have as we was sharing this moment together and that was far more perfect than the photo, watching him dance around parading about in his uniform was fun seeing him jumping up and down exercising because he liked the loud noise his shoes made, made me laugh, he chose dinosaurs on his shoes to remind him of his old nursery and specifically Sheryn and he hoped he’d see Sheryn an him watch build a tower I didn’t want spoil that moment so I nodded my head and said maybe, he was looking forward to seeing his new classroom an making friends and was been a good boy and know grown in short time had uniform on he was getting to big for it made me smile,
Driving up to school we chatted about the things he saw outside the window and was his cousins at his school I said no they’d started their schools and he said they’ll be their, their schools were broken I chuckled at how his thinking worked, we arrived at school did try get one more perfect photo but wasn’t meant be we walked down hand in hand I was so proud he pressed the bell to the nursery door as he waited to be let in he saw trains an was so excited, the door was opened we went in found his peg and bag he has a spider picture on his name space I smiled it was like Nanna 2’s imaginary spider we put his things in his bag and went in to class he handed over his water bottle and put his name on the pear tree he gave me a kiss and held his teacher and casually walked off hand in hand, a lump in my throat wellled my lil man was growing up and I was so very proud and forever I will treasure this moment and wish could bottle up and keep the emotions and feelings and drink when having a bad day,
I messaged photos to siblings and grandparents and thought of my brother Tim my sons god parent an uncle an in that moment our first day was tinged with sadness but not because of Marybeth but because my son missed out sharing today with him as I’d known he’d have been proud as punch as moment he was born my brother was eternally proud I’d been blessed with a child of my own so on his fb page was only fitting shared them their an say hope you watching down from heaven am keeping him safe in class.
My sister Nat phoned me her kids went into reception no problems didn’t look back an so therefore she wasn’t gonna feel guilty missing them, My sis Robynn messaged Logan was fine she was the blubbering mess pregnancy hormones though probably didn’t help, I’m blessed that me an my sisters have shared our children’s first days together this week an can continually share many Milestones together as that makes sharing first days extra special an today was very much well worth the wait.
Marybeth my first born child, my daughter, my angel in heaven, I still long to hold you one More time, stroke your face feel you close up against my skin cheek to cheek smell your baby smell tell you I love you and would have loved watch seen how you’ld grow,
Myles my second born child a second child with a difference as he is an only child my first born living son, I watch you grow each day you are your own unique person, a character with attitude more toddler now than baby at bed time that’s when you need me more we snuggle up I wrap my arm around you whilst you fall asleep, breathe in your baby smell I strangely tell you to slow down on the growing not ready for you to stop been a baby just yet,
Marybeth you make me so proud you may have only been in my life a short time but you made a big impact I wasn’t ready see at time that I was a good person, of pure heart but I was you knew you was to be an Angel but still wanted to be born you picked me as that person an that makes me trually blessed,
Myles everyday you make me proud you too have made a big impact on my life your showing me what it’s like to be a child again, to laugh, to be brave, to learn to trust to see the world in a different light an that to is a precious gift anyone can share so my son too I thank you as that too makes me trually blessed,
My children it dosent matter if your here with me in the present or light years away in the heaven, in my heart I hold both of you and will always love and nurture you and hope that you are safe and happy and get the best be it in this life or as for Marybeth in Heaven an her be one of God’s Chosen Angels because as your Mum all I can do is hope and try to give you my best, my all an hope you know how blessed you’ve both made me feel my daughter, my son Mummy loves you x X X
Marybeth Ann Garritty born sleeping 24/03/2002
Myles Andrew Griffin-Robinson 15/12/2013 now aged 2 x