Why are Mental Health Services Failing, Why are Lives been Lost.

I was once optimistic Services would improve and improve for the better initiatives an policies around crisis care, no decisions about me made without me were made the NHS an services were to be Liberated the Recovery Bus, Coproduction Bus and Person Centred Care Bus rolled up into town. Did they make a difference, Did they leave people liberated and will the new 5 year forward initiative make a lasting impact I’m sceptical it won’t because I once believed that Services Could Change Improve Lives, Help individuals Regain Control and put the person an those close to them at the centre and provide a whole person approach attitude to care. I was wrong and my optimism that Services Could do that proved to be fatal. In the last few weeks the media has been highlighting cases were deaths are been investigated and a trust is to be investigated in one case. I’ve discovered that my family is not alone as we too are fighting for answers to how our loved one could have lost his life he did not lose his life however in an inpatient setting he lost his in a transitional housing unit a unit that’s supposed to provide care for vulnerable adults who were in crisis, needed mh support, support with homelessness an substance misuse. We put our loved ones care in the trust of services an the local authority that they would ensure an provide the care an support he needed.

We sadly got it wrong we like many other families now are fighting for answers we’ve had reach out too advocacy support, lodge formal NHS complaints, left outside the serious incident review process yet had our hearts ripped wide opened when had the people running come visit us at my mums family home but yet still no answers no been asked did we want input nor told what they will learn or put in place been sent a document though however that supposedly has in can we sign off on it. How can we if you’ve not sat gone through it with us or had us been involved in any of the process no one can make a decision on something not involved in but shouldn’t we have been after all we’re searching for answers to why, why our loved ones death was not prevented. We had to reach out to a charity Inquest because we didn’t know anything about what to expect, how to be involved the types of inquests and if not for them we wouldn’t have been put in touch with a solicitor an barrister but we’ve had to meet criteria for Legal Aid an that only covered representation to help prepare the case for inquest we then had to apply for separate funding for a grant to have barrister representation at the inquest but yet the Services who failed automatically have the money behind them to represent them but for families they have to search an find that help an that’s sad it’s also sad we don’t get automatically represented as do the services as it’s a live been lost here a life that mattered and a death that should be held accountable for and answers need to be answered how could it have happened and why and was enough done theirs also issue you had a duty of care an families put that trust in you and that is why then you become accountable because that trust was put in you. As a family member I witnessed my loved one passed from pillar to post, told to ask for help an when did told couldn’t help so why tell him ask for, I saw pleas from my family ignored, I saw my loved one slowly become even more invisible, dehumanised, made feel unworthy an in end not listened too, not cared for or supported that’s hard to face an accept especiallly when don’t expect from services that were supposed to be their an provide that. Sadly my loved ones passing won’t be the last an that too is hard to accept because you then wonder what will they learn from the incident report carried out an what will they learn from the impending inquest because sadly my brother won’t be last. I also suspect under the area he came under he was sadly not the only individual failed and probably other families going through what we are too. Whilst awaiting I see initiatives around patient safety, suicide prevention an the new buzz one 5 year forward. Will they make a difference I suspect not it’s just a recycled blue print that for last few years keep rewording add a few more charts an statistics an wow a new policy or charter to follow sadly not worth paper printed out on because sadly lives are continuously been failed, no one been held accountable, no lessons been learned from, their lives not mattering. Services are still been under funded, cuts still been made, workforces at breaking point, charity sector organisations stepping up and lifting the burden from you holding you up their the ones trying the best but are not given the credit for nor do you liase with them and assist in supporting someone you just quickly like pass someone on so not on your case load yet you need to work with them they can’t do it all alone but yet as with families you isolate them too. Crisis Care is shocking too the crisis care concordat act did that make a difference if did my brother would not have been turned away twice an also got in housing were living, but sadly their isn’t enough beds in or out of are, not enough home intervention teams and respite places available an thing we’re my brother lived is only 8 crisis beds available. Wasn’t the crisis care concordat act supposed to address that. Vulnerable individuals languish in police cell’s awaiting mh assessment some end up in the prison system locked up unfairly because at crisis committed offences but because not enough beds professionals say can see unwell but doesn’t warrant admission an so under public nuisance an anti social activity get imprisoned as well as many other offences during my brother’s care that too happened just impeded him further. It makes you wonder why as a society are we allowing that to happen why is the police and judiciary system allowing that are they powerless to act against the services can’t they enforce services to act especially when they clearly know difference between a vulnerable an mentally unwell person an hardened criminal. Why is it that over the years what’s published, guidelines not implemented you’ll tweet about, talk about have development meetings about but not implement, no changes be made and very little service improvement. Yet you market yourselves, give fancy awards, and too have buzz weeks fab change week the latest so what will you do what change an implement will you make what will you do to prevent lives been lost, Will you make your services inclusive to all, stop cutting services that matter, work with organisations lifting you up, will you stop labelling an stigmatising people under your care, will you stop turning people away because don’t fit your Dx an recovery models more importantly support loved ones who’ve lost someone under your care. Families shouldn’t have to fight for answers, set up justice groups an campaigns and have to search an fight for the answers because they need compassion an care an time to grieve they don’t just deserve empathy but also deserve be treated with dignity, respect and upmost of all they need the answers so can grief, hate say have closure an make pretending moving on with life’s easier. It’s also now time ask why in this day an age why are services still continuing to fail an sadly lives been lost.


Escorted Leave

Today after calling in an visiting my mum, I jumped on the bus to make my way to Lighthouse for Academy it started of as an ok journey we past a nearby mental health unit 3 people got on at the stop outside, I guessed one was a Health Support Worker, one was an informal patient an one was a sectioned patient. The member of staff sat in the middle seat an a patient either side, one of them asked the member of staff how long take, I leant across an told her if not many people get on 20 minutes an as I told her could picture her working out how long would have out, she asked did I know we’re best stop get off for we’re she was going to and I told her, I heard her talking to the member of staff about wanting an id for her pass as was getting crumpled and the HSW described many different options she could get and were probably find, I picked up from the conversation lady was going to look into a cookery course, I also picked up from the conversation a family member was going to visit an maybe another trip off the ward “that be nice picked up on HSW say, I put my head down looked out the Window and a lump welled up in my throat I remembered back to when that was me the person excited for escorted Leave and some of the places went to usually was only places like town centres easy get to usually a market stop and quick coffee I heard the women working out if time do pleaded with the hsw please let’s not rush back heard hsw say we’ll be pushing it for half past three. I wanted lean over plead with the hsw for the woman who asked in a meek, child like manner, I wanted say please don’t rush, let her have her freedom her space time out you’ll go home tonight she won’t please, I wished I’d asked didn’t like idea she’d feel rushed, panic not have chance embrace outside, I wanted ask are u ok,, treating u right, but I couldn’t I was paralysed in my past I was once that women childlike do anything to stay away from a ward longer, even though panicked an scared still felt a slight tingle at been out or should I say Free. I heard the HSW speak to the other lady about what she was going to do I picked up the other lady was informal she was going to go Window Shopping because she could and then on bus back to the Tesco then she’d get a taxi so not miss tea an the taxi wouldn’t be all that much even though I felt sad for them I smiled, I gathered all was quiet on the Ward this morning an that’s good felt saying yep it’s good when no alarms going off, not being restrained or seeing others in incidents as the words quiet on unit means no incidents and again I drifted back to a time when I was in that place and again my throats welled an a tear rolled down my eye, I wanted phone my mum, my sis say I was sad, say was catapulted to my past but I couldn’t because back then when I was on escorted Leave I wouldn’t have wanted anyone guess, would have wanted them think a group of friends out an I was normal not see was really mentally unwell and was probably why didn’t verbalise out loud kept to myself, When it got to their stop I saw them get off, I looked up saw the informal person slowly following the lady an member of staff and pictured they’d probably all stay together, I put my hand on the window whispered I was you once enjoy your time out and hope your out soon again and then be home. Then as the bus pulled out it dawned that even though my life had moved on I couldn’t escape my past that I once was unwell and a mental health inpatient and that would always be a part of me something that I’d not really ever leave behind.

Say no to Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder

How do you help someone have hope an believe in themselves when they have been wrote of with a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Anti- Social Personality Disorder is defined as sometimes been called Sociopathy, a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right or wrong, ignores the feelings of others, People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonise, manipulate, treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no remorse for their Behaviour.

(Taken from NHS Choices)

Doesn’t make nice reading,, Does not look like a. Dx that someone would get support an help for, Dose not inspire hope for a shot at recovery nor Does it ask the important why an individual may be this way, what factors have contributed to, what’s happened in certain situations, Does not take into consideration an individual may have an Alternative Personality or Part and what if it’s the part that’s the anti-social and not the individuals themselves is it then helpful to give that person a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I’d go with a big fat no because you then exclude that person from the right help an support because the Dx gets people wrote off.,

My brother Timothy in his notes had this listed he did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder he himself wasn’t the things highlighted above. Timothy until became Mentally unwell was hard-working, would help anybody out, do anything for anyone this was what sometimes got him then into trouble he’d accept responsibility for other people’s behaviour and actions that to me showed he understood right an wrong if he could do that, My brother Tim nor was manipulative or treat others harshly, Tim was a protector, a supporter, a friend and amazing big brother, when my son was first born he waited in Leeds city centre after finishing work 6 hours to see his nephew and god son for visiting hours to start because he so desperately wanted see him, my sister who has MS her 2nd child was born on the toilet he was their with my mum on hand to help my mum help look after both my sister an baby and get sorted the ambulance to have them rushed to be checked out doesn’t sound like a sociopath does it, In 2002 I lost a child the day after my little girls passing he was their by my side supporting me through my pain doesn’t sound like someone does he that doesn’t care for others or have no feelings for does it you could probably safely say Timothy did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Timothy wasn’t perfect nor was he bad he was at times easily manipulated himself and yes easily influenced and yes unfortunately did take drugs but Timothy did not grow up in a perfect background, perfect home, it was far from growing up his childhood was more survival based but that’s for another Time. Also growing up with a father as an Alcoholic probably played a factor in why turned to drugs but that too is a separate debate but also a factor consider, I hate saying too both my brother an I were susceptible to MH as was on our Fathers side of the family and traumas in our lives an how we dealt with led to us both be affected by.

In June/July 2013 my brother Tim went missing an in that time something happened we don’t know what an the Timothy that was found was not Timothy, Timothy had become Dennis, Dennis was not just a doll that he started carrying about, Dennis could be described as the above person the person with the Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Dennis made Tim a danger to himself, Dennis was never an issues Services addressed, took into consideration, Dennis was a part, the voice inside tims head, Dennis had took hold of the individual the person, Timothy. We tried to get services to get help regarding the Dennis part acknowledge it address the voices, address that Tim was Tim no more get him therapy but it was never addressed or acknowledge yet recorded in his notes. We as a family always told Services an his key worker did too when Tim mentions Dennis he’s a risk to himself not other’s not addressing Dennis enabled it to take over Tim so why he never stood a fighting chance.

Tim did try recover, regain control attended Hollybush, Lighthouse, George’s Crypt they describe Tim as Tim was but with a Doll in his man bag, they described him as friendly, helpful, loved getting involved in his art, doing jobs and too was quite liked at times just blend into the group or sit in the corner read his paper. Following his Facebook posts, seeing him at mums he was alive Tim again always tried getting us go down £1 dinner, Robynn would love the gardens were he’d been helping at the kids would enjoy too, This does not sound like someone who was manipulative, dangerous, did not know right from wrong, his worry though about moving from were he was to somewhere new he worried he’d fall through cracks an yes sadly it came true,

A diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality Disorder shut doors to Assessments for Psychological Therapy, Referal to see if he had a Dissociative Identity i.e Dennis, recommendations for Hearing Voices groups, recovery focused groups, shut the door to referral to a rehab and recovery unit to address all his needs, and why so many other assessments never got done, why plans became out dated and why became dependent on the few people who tried.

If you go back an look at how NHS Choices Defines Anti-Social Personality Disorder reflect on how it’s defined what stands out for me Sociopath, Manipulative, not knowing right from wrong sounds like they’re dangerous a risk to others and individuals do get made to feel that imagine if the Dx was wrong and the implications it then will have on a person surely then that has a detrimental impact an potential human right breach when impacts on their lives an sadly that does happen since losing Tim I’ve met people he met on his journey an seen how impacted them an too those people I would say did not have because they’ve carried me through my storm an been a support, a friend and I’m streetwise and an abuse survivour too and have a 6th sense who’s ok an who’s not.

Ask yourself if you saw Anti-Social Personality Disorder on someone’s notes how would you see them, treat them, what help you would give them, if they were at crisis would you realise that help them if they’re not ok, would you even help them but more importantly how you view the Dx and would that influence you.

Antisocial personality disorder potentially labels people off Antisocial personality Disorder should really only be used in extreme cases and as a last resort when gone through every other assessment an diagnosis an no interventions have an impact.

I’m only someone who’s lived experience, I’m someone who was someone’s sister an know am friends with people who have the Dx an if I can see is a harmful Dx one that does not in anyway inspire hope, recovery, regain an control then sureley you should too and turn your back on Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder an try look for an Alternative too.

More lives will be saved as a result, More individuals will be better supported, No one will fall through the cracks an be turned away for help.


If, If is only 2 letters, I an F, If.

If is defined in the English Oxford Dictionary as :

1, { introducing a conditional clause}, on the condition or supposition that ; in the event that.

“If you’ll like I’ll put in a word for you”

1.1 (with past tense) introducing a hypothetical situation

“If you had stayed, this would never have happened”

If can be used in a variety of ways, to ask a question, to express a polite interest, to express an opinion, to express surprise or regret, to admit something as been possible but relatively insignificant,

If can be used in a variety of phrases, If has been a word that haunts me, torments me and a word that destroyed my world a word that leads to loads of questions surrounding my brother Tim, If became the hardest word ” If only ” If onlys too have also been wreaking havoc this week,

If only I’d answered the phone the day before you died Tim, put the shopping to one side, stopped rushing from A-B, took 5 minutes too talk to you to have talked to you, reassured you, told you I’d sort out what was bothering you and let you know you were not alone and loved, “If only I’d took 5 minutes out and answered and told you those things would that have changed things an you still be here.

If only I’d not held you at arms length Tim, If only I’d believed more in you as you did me, If only I thought more too see past your Dennis persona an reminded myself Tim was still in you, If only I’d tried harder asked more questions an If only I’d shown more interest in your journey like you me I’d have known about Wyfi, Crypt, Lighthouse an Hollybush I’f only I’d have known about them I’d have seen that you were Transforming you were Tim again Their, Id have stood alongside you, championed you, you wouldn’t be the ghost in the halls when I attend their now we should have gone together you not be the lost face I seek in the room, the photo I look at on you Facebook wall if only I’d took more time to notice, to care, If I did would it have made a difference and would things have meant you would still be here I’d have had my big brother an best friend back, I’m not doing friends at the mo as your the only friend I want back and their was no greater friend an brother than you Tim.

If has also left me asking questions though or should I say torments me obsessively loads of If’s not answered surrounding the care you had received in those final few days.

If only crisis services had admitted you on the Monday and that If leads to questions what happened in a n e on that Monday when you were assessed,

If only on the Wednesday your GP sent you to crisis to be assessed if only he’d had the powers to hold you for 72 hours would it have made a difference as he supposedly felt powerless to help,

If only we’d known about your visit to a n e an the GP we’d have done more.

If only were you lived stopped asking you certain things gave you a break from asking you what was triggering you would it have helped your mind rest and allow your support worker to have addressed when back of holiday as he’d have sorted for you, if only services hadn’t taught u to rely on one person an If only you had never moved to were living as what you feared came true and If only we’d have known you had not been supported enough we’d have helped ensure you had have had a smoother transition an that everything you needed to continue the steps you were making were in place.

Theirs loads more ifs if only this assessment done, if only plans were followed an checked an up to date an implemented would those ifs have stopped you falling through the cracks.

If is the question we’re awaiting the coroner now look at an will he grant article 2 and disclosure will he look at the circumstances will he question an find answers to the if’s and will the answers to those if’s mean recommendations are made and that no future lives are failed an that people ask if only we’d done things differently we could have been all that was needed and prevented you fall through the cracks that the next Tim they meet it may lead to a different outcome they get their lives back like you should have had yours,

If will always torment me now but If too will also spur me on that Tim no one like you shall fall through the cracks again

I’m Katie Ann Siobhan.

 I’ve challenged myself anymore than I ever thought I would I returned to a place that held so much pain I was daunted but remembered highroyds the final nail that broke me but driving up the path seeing the clock close up in my letter Marybeth hope not 11 years too late and the sun was shining and it was the day couldn’t have come soon enough I shared my experiences let them out and the sun was bright like the day was meant to be. I’d freed my soul and after leaving their I did have sensory overload but in wow my mind alert on fire every touch, sound, smell intensified but then that night slept soundly best night ever. 

Turning my corner turning over the page to my next chapter x 

The day after my old home sold I was contacted by BBC radio Westminster asked about my experiences and spoke about mh stigma an discrimination I answered the why with ask what mh means me n how others perceive. I shared about psychosis and how my experience was me finding ways come to terms my greatest gift but not a loss led to that and that letting go try say goodbye an been supported not admitted but I had psychosis and was not dangerous nor a harm or a reason anyone be afraid but vulnerable as people assume psychosis your crazy an actually not that but for me my mind trying mend the loss in my heart.

My thoughts before Liverpool and speaking at NHS Confederation Event.

Today though I was nervous as speaking at a Nhs confederation event in Liverpool I was speaking as Katie a health champion an what it means to me and how the all together better network saw me as a person, Katie a health champion that broke 1 inequalitie I have faced a diagnosis or label I and others stopped see me as me an faced stigma for, I spoke abt at risk of dying 20 years earlier than anticipated on relation life expectancy but not due condition but inequalities like phys health overshadowed, I linked the network to ele friends and NSUN with saying in relation framework as a member NSUN n mh watch I aim framework is adhered n implemented n framework met n mentioned how volunteering as a mh champion I was able to have a voice, training and can share training so even giving something back I got something my recovery enhanced and support me my journey of oppurtunities, development, education or employment n other activities involved n training adds my recovery much can, share but best thing was I’m supported as Katie n what Katie an bring which is were linked ele friends in too that I’m coached, supported,encouraged, guided an encouraged develop n be all can be. Like I try others n the coined phrase of Baby Steps took off as described mh journey to we’re am n how I champion good health 4 myself through bern my own bf n baby steps. An importance champion own health n tackling health inequalities as a friend n fam n as a young women do and that all need champion health reg it be mh, phys health, phys or learning disability or age or sex or sexuality aas been classified into a category can be an inequalitie initself . The audience plus myself n fellow speakers thing amazed that a person years ago would never dreamed nor dared speak up let alone their n fellow speaker said I should have been up last n closing but when presentation closed n summing up n whilst panel ans questions the phrase baby steps ran out in challenging inequalities baby steps made in looking at prevention n reduce inequalities those baby steps were discused n advocated from an acute health, all together model n national model were advocated. 
Today as speaking the fellow speakers you done this before I said some but not this Level or audience they were impressed n I was respected n valued.

I was Katie and my voice heard n valued n the audienced to listened n engaged n their was collaboration n discussion I did that as me Katie not an ex service user. 
I once held myself back n my past n mh n services too but today I was none of those as I’d challenged that part of me, reclaimed me n today I was Katie Siobhan. I recently realised though their was part of my past to keep as well as legally started change n remove some parts of past Im soon no longer Kathryn Siobhan Atkinson but soon Katie Ann Siobhan I can’t erase my abuse or loss but can take my abusers name away I too wanted recognise love 4 my mum n Marybeth n included their middle name and soon my next chapter no longer baby steps will be as Katie Ann Siobhan.

I don’t need anyone to assume responsibility or take care or run around me for I’ve overcome so many milestones, challenges, inequalities, abuse, loss I’ve survived that plus me, plus, psychiatry,plus I’m fighting for change too fighting for a better life n world 4 me n I know their are many possible endless dreams as ive turneed the page I’m Katie Ann Siobhan n I can be n do anything I dare to be I no longer need anyone assume care or responsibility I can be the greatest I just need to dare dream n find my hall of fame n I champion me for I am Katie Ann Siobhan x x x

Letter to me of the past and my angel Marybeth

Dear Katie and the ghost of angel Marybeth,

I am Katie of today I wish I could have spoke with you of eleven years ago the Katie of my past and to my angel I wish I had been strong it shouldn’t have tooa my imagination to see and hear and thing I had you. That was just a ghost, psychosis my mind tricking us both Katie to force you to grieve and try to let go. 


Im sorry I failed you both I was not strong nor ready I was selfish I didn’t want to let go and say  goodbye, Katie I hated you and was angry I blamed you I saw you as a failure and deserved to be punished, Marybeth I failed you too for its only recently I know accept you came to me to show I deserved to feel a touch of heaven n warmth n love in my heart and really you were a gift trying to mend my damaged heart. 


Im sorry I didn’t see that Katie I wished I’d have held you as you held our baby n whispered and could have been too a ghost and whispered you were not too blame and what you couldn’t accept was the truth was a cruel twist of fate.

I’d have soothed your pain I’d have stroked n wiped the tears away I’d have sat n bared the brunt of your anger you could have lashed out at me you could have screamed and hit out you should have screamed at me my fault not marybeths dad as was really me Katie you were angry at for I’d have taken for if I know now what I do I wouldn’t be writing this letter to my past.

In my hurt and pain and anguish I failed u both and myself I failed to overcome and heal I left parts of us in the remains were I had to face the ghost the psychosis of Marybeth i abandoned you both I changed shut down, locked myself from within I did that when I lost my soul it became an unheard cry, scream and lost and lonely whimper and Marybeth in me leave my soul I left the heart you wanted to heal within its walls.

I’m here now though Katie n Marybeth Im coming to find you reclaim you back so Katie you and I can heal n Marybeth to can be free inside your heart, I hope it’s not 11 years too late for I’m ready to come n reclaim the shattered pieces of ourselves and bind and bond and heal us release our unheard voices, heal our damaged hearts so we can start to heal and overcome to no longer feel face a world full of nothing but a world full of hope wonder and dreams our past was sad but our future is we can have our dreams our journeys for we can heal our hearts we can overcome the past we can overcome the loss n emptiness once felt for we come together we unite as one as we should we can be the warmth n light n ember of heart we can let that flow inside as is our time to be reconnected no longer be parts of ourselves lost or unheard x

I love you Katie and too I love you Marybeth

My letter to myself to help me overcome and reclaim myself and heal from the affects of not accepting and facing Marybeth had past x

Fuzzies n the frazzled effect been knocked for six.

Fuzzies n Frazzled, Fuzzies I can’t get you out my head how at the weekend you left me feeling frazzled n numb.

Fuzzies you attacked me in an instant the background music on BGT happy, happy talk, talk about things used like to do bam in an instant I was in your grip defenceless my head felt gripped tight in a vice I felt myself trapped and locked in n panic n overwhelm, the currents of electricity fuzzing n zapping n like static zig zagging n zapping firing in all directions across my brain n hitting me from all direction n on edge n feeling static n sat on edge. I know what yo expect n the drill with fuzzies I know is when I need send out my own SOS distress message for fuzzies n the effect can be damaging when I’m in its grip.

i followed the drill of the fuzzies I knew the music had triggered part of me my deep n darkest n disturbed memories the part of me that is the damaged n broken Katie. 


I managed to say I’m in fuzzies grip, had help find my labels a technique shared by someone close me I laid n hid under the pillows n cover n gently rubbed my temples I could feel the fuzzies intensify I could feel myself a huge current fuzzied in my mind n zapped me I was back in a dark place a place I didn’t want to be I was trapped I felt at harm I was zapped back to my past I was zapped n scared thinking I was going to be hurt again.

My inner child spoke I heard her voice n slowly saying were not going back their, were not going back their, were not going to be hurt no more, I could hear myself say it n get louder n louder n could slowly feel me rubbing n pressing at my temples n then fuzzies hit I jolted n back to been just laid hid under pillows n duvet n feeling presence of someone dear to me close the fuzzies started to fade but I could feel the goose pimples n on edge after effect n worn out n frazzled inside n out.

Fuzzies I know your the key to my dark n deepest rooted past, fuzzies you’ve left me frazzled n fearful why are u a foe n not my friend.