It’s ok to be a Mum it’s ok to have Mental Health

I’m a mum to a 13 month old little boy he’s my rock , my inspiration in my recovery I used to talk about baby steps I took at present my son is attempting to take his and it dawned upon me I’m stationery not continuing on my own journey continuing with my own steps and the realisation is for a short while I’ve been ashamed of having a past mental health history, afraid of the repercussions it has for me and my child if is mentioned fear I may have to prove I can be a parent I’ve thought that fight once I proved it’s ok to be a Mum and to have Mental Health.

I think it’s because of that experience though, the fear u may not take your child home n fear you’ve waited years for this moment n you’ve lost one child (my first born was born still born) n you don’t want ever experience that again n so I think the last 12 months I used my little boy a bit to concentrate on something else threw myself into parenting, mum and toddler playgroup sessions and exploring play gyms those yes have been fun moments n great bonding moments but I sacrificed part of myself gave up part of me my passion, my fire in my belly, my dream to drive for change for better mental health because I feared it, hated it was hurt by the stigma attached to it even lost my own way thinking I could fight for change n mental health was not ok.

But Mental health is ok we all experience good an bad days, it is hard been a parent but we all feel tiered, we all question is my child happy, we all hate the teething phase, your child will push u to your limits, break u at times for me change time with my lb sets my anxieties off, I rant inside my head he’s mocking me as he scoots off nappy half fastened.

I’ve portrayed to the world parenting selfies wow I’m a fab mum I did that for my mental health I need see I was a fab mum as I doubted I was I even quiestened I could cried tears of tiredness n frustration, hibernated n thought I was being selfish put my family first I wasn’t I was bullying myself trying juggle been mum, housework, please family n friends n do the circuit of juggle play group and play gym Id in ignoring mental health n trying turn back on Id forgotten my baby steps the importance of me n my mental health n recovery.

The last few months I’ve realised I lost me, my best friend n in turning my back on mental health lost my spark n passion volunteering and campaigning debating mental health challenging people’s views fighting for better services they were my passion, my fire n like my children n my oh it too is part of what makes and completes me n it was not ok I turned my back on n it is ok n it is not ok me keep hidden it’s not ok I don’t talk about it’s not ok because I wasn’t been true to me.

I’ve learnt it ok ask for help n talk about my Mental Health n don’t have fear repercussions of MH services because in going sure start I’ve built up a relationship with family support workers who know me n actually reassure me Katie it’s ok n yr mental health ok your just scared n learning part n parcel been a parent n reminded me that yep I probably did nearly burn out because I’d neglected my me time strangely as my lb sleeps next to me I’m finding this is therapeutic to write n feel it’s ok to write n say I’m a parent and have Mental Health.

I’ve done a small amount of volunteering n did a talk last September slowly re embracing myself back into Healthy Minds n co-ran a coproduction workshop n spark slowly reignited n in background the flicker was their n as part my journey n passion 4 change I have applied 4 uni n even part time work in paid experience n even do more voluntary work as I love volunteering n the experience will also go towards building my dream that I can make things better for myself and others with mental health that it’s ok have it’s not a hinderance n it’s ok be part of you n that you can make a difference in whatever u want do n me I want change people’s attitudes about Mental health fight for better services and make a difference n too say yes I’m not afraid to say I’m Katie I’m a parent I have mental health and you know what it’s ok.

Recently I’ve been invited to an event n meet someone important I’ve quiestioned do I deserve be their n I don’t deserve because for a moment I thought mental health not ok a few people have reminded me the things I did n said I was inspiring n I’m not its the people that support n encourage me n follow me n have n had faith I could do it fight for change they inspired me they showed me it ok to be open about they were my support my safety net the ones who gave me confidence that I could change n improve mental health n perceptions n services n in do so they improved mine n helped me in finding me Katie.

So I will go to what invited to n talk about those who inspire me n my heroes n say wished their but most of all I will say I’m Katie I’m a parent I have mental health and it’s ok but u need to have services that supported me when pregnant through to delivery an after to health visitors an family workers n as my lb gets older other people will enter our lives like teachers n for them to know to support me as I’m a parent n not stigmatise me because of mental health n me having a love n hate relationship with.

Because it’s not ok to stigmatise a parent with Mental Health it’s not ok to make feel someone feel like an inadequate parent n feel ashamed of feel can be n even be scared of becoming a parent.

Because it is ok have children it is ok be a parent n it is ok to be affected by Mental Health because I’m a parent I have Mental Health n I think I’m doing an OK job x

My mind likes to wander.

My mind likes to wander it likes to lapse and shut off in those intervals I am their in body but mind farther afield. When my mind lapses n wanders those moments I can not tell you were I go nor can I recollect what’s happened in those moments around me. 

Normally can be good when Im in control happening and were does like in my safe spots or if with trusted friends or loved ones who I can preworn happening as when in control I get that sensation Happening. 

im finding though now is happening more n more frequently and longer lapses and taking me to places of wander I don’t want return too and reason why I learned to teach my mind to lapse and wander.

I’ve to now ask myself why it gone from a pot safe coping mechanism to extremeties is.

First I have too look at my pot stressors.

1.’past memories resurafcing n fear address
2. Pregnancy Anxieties fears my lil one even confirmed is ok will be all ok, fear people are trying take over n try comment or influence what my child can n can’t do n testing me as a parent on values want have n how I aspire be n judging me on. I hate been/feeling been underminded or judged let me be mum to my child after all key word I am mum.
3.sometimes families too much a good thing as after awhile get overwhelmed, tiered, frustrated I like been arnd mine n oh but too in moderation n feel I’m ready space time out n respite from need time for me n time just my oh n time friends n engage my passions as soon me n oh become 3 our own family n so I need me to prepare for that change.
4. Hormonal n body changing as pregnancy goes through the diff stages.
5. The stressors above I’m trying ignore deny, not react to pretend not their n causing overload.

I’m aware my stressors, I’m aware my coping mechanism try telling me something n have to address.

1. Look to work through n address lapsing n parts taking me to ready address blogging helps identify areas n look can I self maintain, do I need re-engage some of my wellbeing tool kit activities, do I need look am ready address n find ways be supported through.

2. Look at all I doing n preparing my lil one n oh too n put our plans in force, look at how far come n think ill be great mum as never a parent wanted a child as much as me (all parents feel that) every time he wriggles n kicks remind yourselve he chose you ESP to be your mum n nobody else. Look at all your planning n your preps n hopes n visions n values n hopes 4 lil one u n oh. N think all that matters is our 3’s health and happiness as after all were our own family.

3. Find ways to have u time n time out n if need have not be scared n say need time out.

4. Time access mum be grps, antenatal n birthing classes n look how manage Hofmann fluctuations n changes

5. Stop ignoring things staring n screaming me in face n what mind try run away from.

I have issues but don’t we all.

I love how its always me thats the one that will always have issues kinda makes me sad people feel that but to laugh at but hey don’t we all have some more so than others, some more open about some keep hidden because of attitudes of others about people having so called issues. 

I’m loud yes, passionate yes, fiery at times but every strong female is, I prob at times take on to much but most good hearted people do, I may not get paid but I work extremely hard at what I do n to say I have issues well it dose not  stop or hold me back in fact it drives me I may not get paid but happy I get to travel up n down the country talk at events like NHS Confederation n too respected by the public health speakers. I too play my part ensuring services deliver services fit for all, on various different boards and strategies, work to make positive change. 

 

Im happy, Im carefree I throw caution to the wind I conform to be who I want to be I don’t laugh or belittled or put others down to feel good about myself, I run around  because I choose to not because n expectation, 

Im their for my family, friends loved ones at drop of a hat ill support them, guide them n maybe if see something inside ill push n  to be all can be I’d say that makes me unique and someone you think very much dosent have issues.

I don’t drink, nor smoke nor take drugs. I may have odd drink, or sugary sweet but that’s my lifestyle choice n not because I supposedly have issues.

I tend to find too have issues a change or disruption but think half population does, I too only have  issues when people who know very little abt n me try pass comment or belittle or comment ill always have issues. 

I’m happy most of time to content most of time, I have my strong points my good characteristics, I have my bad points or flaws when passionate or feel backed into a corner I rant n come out fighting not literally though but that’s not issue that’s part of my characteristics/flaws n don’t we all have that. 

I’m not ashamed say we’re I’ve been nor does it hold me back or make me a bad person or leave me at a disadvantage Im actually quite smart n streetwise too, I too challenge myself being the person I want to be I have dreams, hopes, aspirations, I work towards them

I can stand out on my own n needs be look out 4 myself have  me but what people don’t realise when you throw stones at me your not just hurting me but them n it not fair n nor will I sit n take insults, put downs, snide comments or jokes nor be upset as u upset me but too i have a family n friends n bf friend n when u try hurt me u actually upset them too nothing is going to disrupt or upset that an that not because have issues but because I protect all that I love that includes me. 

I think before people pass comment on me should take a close look at themselves n if too comment on other people n their lives isn’t it you who has the issue as your lives no interest to me so god knows why mine is to you then can only say you prob have issues too.

 

I try educate people n get people to change attitudes I’m too fair to a point n sometimes I thing what’s point as some people thing once u have issues you always have n it not always case it’s what do with. 

 

We all at some point have highs, lows, good, bad, stressors we all have issues at some point so really were all the same n no different. 

 

Thank u 4 reading n for anyone too facing affects of others don’t let it bother u as if a problem to them is their issue n not yours you be all can be.

Letter to me of the past and my angel Marybeth

Dear Katie and the ghost of angel Marybeth,

I am Katie of today I wish I could have spoke with you of eleven years ago the Katie of my past and to my angel I wish I had been strong it shouldn’t have tooa my imagination to see and hear and thing I had you. That was just a ghost, psychosis my mind tricking us both Katie to force you to grieve and try to let go. 

 

Im sorry I failed you both I was not strong nor ready I was selfish I didn’t want to let go and say  goodbye, Katie I hated you and was angry I blamed you I saw you as a failure and deserved to be punished, Marybeth I failed you too for its only recently I know accept you came to me to show I deserved to feel a touch of heaven n warmth n love in my heart and really you were a gift trying to mend my damaged heart. 

 

Im sorry I didn’t see that Katie I wished I’d have held you as you held our baby n whispered and could have been too a ghost and whispered you were not too blame and what you couldn’t accept was the truth was a cruel twist of fate.

I’d have soothed your pain I’d have stroked n wiped the tears away I’d have sat n bared the brunt of your anger you could have lashed out at me you could have screamed and hit out you should have screamed at me my fault not marybeths dad as was really me Katie you were angry at for I’d have taken for if I know now what I do I wouldn’t be writing this letter to my past.

In my hurt and pain and anguish I failed u both and myself I failed to overcome and heal I left parts of us in the remains were I had to face the ghost the psychosis of Marybeth i abandoned you both I changed shut down, locked myself from within I did that when I lost my soul it became an unheard cry, scream and lost and lonely whimper and Marybeth in me leave my soul I left the heart you wanted to heal within its walls.

I’m here now though Katie n Marybeth Im coming to find you reclaim you back so Katie you and I can heal n Marybeth to can be free inside your heart, I hope it’s not 11 years too late for I’m ready to come n reclaim the shattered pieces of ourselves and bind and bond and heal us release our unheard voices, heal our damaged hearts so we can start to heal and overcome to no longer feel face a world full of nothing but a world full of hope wonder and dreams our past was sad but our future is we can have our dreams our journeys for we can heal our hearts we can overcome the past we can overcome the loss n emptiness once felt for we come together we unite as one as we should we can be the warmth n light n ember of heart we can let that flow inside as is our time to be reconnected no longer be parts of ourselves lost or unheard x

I love you Katie and too I love you Marybeth

My letter to myself to help me overcome and reclaim myself and heal from the affects of not accepting and facing Marybeth had past x

Fuzzies n the frazzled effect been knocked for six.

Fuzzies n Frazzled, Fuzzies I can’t get you out my head how at the weekend you left me feeling frazzled n numb.

Fuzzies you attacked me in an instant the background music on BGT happy, happy talk, talk about things used like to do bam in an instant I was in your grip defenceless my head felt gripped tight in a vice I felt myself trapped and locked in n panic n overwhelm, the currents of electricity fuzzing n zapping n like static zig zagging n zapping firing in all directions across my brain n hitting me from all direction n on edge n feeling static n sat on edge. I know what yo expect n the drill with fuzzies I know is when I need send out my own SOS distress message for fuzzies n the effect can be damaging when I’m in its grip.

i followed the drill of the fuzzies I knew the music had triggered part of me my deep n darkest n disturbed memories the part of me that is the damaged n broken Katie. 

 

I managed to say I’m in fuzzies grip, had help find my labels a technique shared by someone close me I laid n hid under the pillows n cover n gently rubbed my temples I could feel the fuzzies intensify I could feel myself a huge current fuzzied in my mind n zapped me I was back in a dark place a place I didn’t want to be I was trapped I felt at harm I was zapped back to my past I was zapped n scared thinking I was going to be hurt again.

My inner child spoke I heard her voice n slowly saying were not going back their, were not going back their, were not going to be hurt no more, I could hear myself say it n get louder n louder n could slowly feel me rubbing n pressing at my temples n then fuzzies hit I jolted n back to been just laid hid under pillows n duvet n feeling presence of someone dear to me close the fuzzies started to fade but I could feel the goose pimples n on edge after effect n worn out n frazzled inside n out.

Fuzzies I know your the key to my dark n deepest rooted past, fuzzies you’ve left me frazzled n fearful why are u a foe n not my friend.

Sełing me, closing house. Will it open doors to my future or knock me dwn.

On the 10th of January I was reassessed for DLA and ESA I’d emailed my mp about my experiences that day. I’d felt no voice, humiliated, patronised. 1st question “have u self harmed and felt suicidal lately, “how often you feel that n on average” I live everyday good and bad I may not sh but I fight the urges not too n I fight to not give up them thoughts do cross my mind but I remind myself how far I’ve come try talk to friends n access online help forums one I even participated in workshops for, I see you suffer frm depression no I have a neurotic mood disorder I bully myself, get angry myself n others, I have trust n insecurity issues n i push people away but learning let people in by sharing me my journey n areas were not experienced good try work with. I get paranoid won’t admit fighting feel vulnerable n admit is my trigger but also what drives me. I’m not mentally unwell unhinged or unbalanced. I’m learn inning maintain, empower accept me 4 me n me take my steps into the world heal frm heartache from pain of trauma n loss n affects had n were took me too both good n bad. That’s not depression that me befriending me n accepting me n my past n face the future too. Thing these things not noted. I felt patronised humiliated as I kept try say how did n went go about things as answered yes can cook do eat if dnt I lose motivation get depressed as emotions n feelings affect my eating habits plus I try eat foods maintain my moods. Not interested just need yes or no. dressing n washing u look nice today u ok do that yes one of my tools is fake it to make look good on outside to feel it on the inside n cameoflague protect me. I hate hear if depressed u dnt wash or change n scruffy dishevelled n unkempt I used once look like that but also worked when depressed n did need dress impress. So I answered yes but not interested how part my routine. I found got a point told off all need hear Miss Atkinson yes or no not how do is just a functional assessment well I’m trying tell u how I function n what makes me tick.

I emailed my mp abt the atos assessment I’d heard,read people felt disempowered I felt that too when what point have a voice not listened too. Linda Riordan finally replied told me were look on how to answer n links mind n rethink showed she interested didn’t answer what going do I gave her an example of how people treated also if read would see answered questions n been assessed n if read link sent email on was a mind template you to made me feel why bother.

As a result that assessment I’ve lost my ESA n DLA as a result I’m having sell my furniture, pack my clothes moved to a shared home as I’m not appealing each time I sign on I do panic n have got mad n had anxiety attacks as I struggle not react attitudes n panic try hold as scared be restrained n anticipate, I’ve been passed ack n forth even told in housing office do u have a daughter live with you n no don’t I went under partly due not losing a daughter. I been told appeal , see gp if prescribes owt u dnt need take why shld I say I’m something not n go see a gp n see all I did in my past n risk a referral back to a place thought break free frm try educate n make service user experience one were listened to n valued why shld I appeal if not listened to nor why shld I have to see a gp after told ats dnt see an why. Also you can live day by day with good/bad with mh or as I see with myself without see health care teams.

In choosing fight for my principals, wishes , believes n not do something go against me. To carry on all I do as under 35 n informed no longer get entitlement me run home I’m giving mine up I rent going shared I’m scared n nervous times get mad shldnt need give all I worked 4 get by feel angry I’m doing all on my own. I get upset n try stop myself analyze n negatively thing ill always get knock backs remind myself is baby steps away be independent again n carry on do all I do is worthwhile. Hope what some see as should appealed I’m being brave not stupid as taking hard road n fight be independant not dependant. It’s been heartbreaking sell my things but their just thins right forget the time n effort n burn out get the items selling their just possessions, it’s been hard gut wrenching leave home I found me in I hope shutting the door n selling stuff me not selling out n opens doors paid jobs arnd areas of mh as mh is my passion, I hope is not me selling out n short but selling me to start my next chapter.

I couldn’t pay shortfalls n give up all I do to keep n run home so hopefully shared home n not run home can adjust n doors open me becoming independent n get my career n develop me n a place in society after all that’s what I expect n society expects of me. I hope society now accepts me see I’m sacrificing easy way out n try find my way in society.

I’ve struggled, stumbled, crumbled,cried,shouted n thought can I do questioned me n trying do my own people say ask 4 help I did adv given cab as what atos dictate say something adhere not, smartmove due changes not get extra support to support individuals go through back logged 4mths to see after refer the council who can’t re home me n expect pay a shortfall of £100 because under 35 can’t support or adv or help me. So I’ve looked help deliberating.

I’ve contacted friends found a home n started process move but can’t do it alone but feels it n friends helping while can but doesn’t help when no one seems to get is heart wrenching n overwhelming n u turn angry when overwhelmed when just got balanced n is ok people say you done this that n u wonder why get pissed when say no as I’m packing, try sell my stuff n fill in all commitments I’ve signed up to volunteered up to a part dnt break out commitments n b m downsizing still set out do all I do n involved in as they make me Katie I can’t do everything but feels it n is hard n is scary as I ask myself selling me out will it open doors my future n have it sell me find my future open doors Katie be independent n empowering. Hope that hope survive n not selling me out n under n swim not sink

A beautiful mess inside

A beautiful mess inside

This is the inside of my head I was doing this as art of something for healthy minds and around stigma and our thoughts and experiences around own mh.

I call it a beautiful mess inside for those feelings inside are part of me they’ve caused me darkness but to bring me beauty as they make up part of me.

The mess inside is due feel one time ugly, hated myself I’ve been bullied by others but I’m a worser bully to myself.

I have slowly started grief for my loss Marybeth the childhood shed never have nor see her grow up. I slowly grief for the live I’ve never had as I find the light n life I want to have.

I know that I’m not Mad nor Crazy nor mentally unwell.
I’m just simply a beautiful mess inside.

I’m a beautiful mess inside or I’ve been hurt, felt vulnerable lost and unloved, scared, isolated frightened too scared to say my heart to wounded and broken due childhood pain and grieve.

I’m a beautiful mess inside because I just needed to feel loved be taught a good person that I’m not damaged but beautiful inside and out.