My Myles, My Time, My baby and Im Mum

A year ago I struggled come to terms my sister’s been pregnant a wish I onced had a wish I realised wouldn’t happen for me or so I thought. 

I remember walking to tesco my mum n she said one day it happen for me, my comments and too as been alone and single at time genuinley meant and too believed in my heart and with clear conviction said to my mum. I’ve accepted will never happen for me as if it was would have happened by now. I’d accepted I was never going to be mum and coming too terms just be aunt. 

A year on though I am Mum or soon be Mum, I too found an Adam or maybe fate brought us together especially as was adamant when did come into my life us just be friends no more but I slowly grew like him n he me, his quirky personality melted me n the fact night tears flowed happiness and sadness and Adam he was there n held me through it n talked me through n too distracted me through. 

Love did blossom did have some turbulent ups n downs but we found a way work. 

Im soon be a mum, he be a dad people have said now used to are happy but timing not right, timing may have not been right to them but too me their was never a wrong or right time as gave up on be a time but everything does happen for a reason n reason maybe regardless of job changes, moves, a new love blossoming or try grow between me n Adam maybe is actually our time maybe were meant be a family of 3 something people should give us chance be not feel take over, make us jump through hoops, treat us like we won’t know what doing, people should step back n allow us have our time, us be parents n my time be mum something I told my mum I’d never be again but am excited, happy, determined give myles all can for he’s My Myles, My Son, My child n finally my moment be mum a moment I can’t wait to treasure a moment that was meant to be a moment that’s just right time 4 me and meant be n myles I can’t wait be mum n blessed u my son and knows our time n so for me is our right time, 

I love you Myles, I can’t wait be Mum, you chose me be mum n I’m blessed thing people to know need realise that too n I know n I will do what’s best 4 me, my son, my family as knows our moment n our moment to have x x x 

More hurt in me than realised

Today I had a counselling session at Sure Start my first one. 

My heart is more broken n hurting than thought. I too realised I dont like how thats made me. 

I don’t want to allow myself become how have been in past I don’t want anger, bitterness n hurt consume me as don’t like how when consume me I take those feelings and emotions and take out on those who have only loved n cared for me n never hurt me but because I’m scared let them in n close to me will expose my vulnerability if I let them in n love n care for me as fear will hurt me like have been in the past so I push them away I become the abuser I hurt those with my words n anger. 

I was asked would I like say sorry to those I would but scared, scared would they tell me how hurt they were, that I’m nasty evil n cruel n ashamed someone once love treat them like that, scared if see ill feel the hurt caused them n didnt deserve n feel ashamed. I too don’t think right apologise until stop that pattern as when say sorry want mean n no longer do. too.

i can’t change my past or how has made me but I’m scared I can’t change how treat people go forward.

Only time will tell n as I learn abt why my hearts broken n hurting will I learn a new way of thinking n learn that I don’t want me be a person that hurts others as I know what it’s like be abused n hurt.

Sharing my fears was Surestart Ok.

Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did. 

 

Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though. 

On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me” 

when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”

walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not  know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you” 

I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one. 

I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that. 

Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours  n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.

Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me. 

There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill

theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too. 

If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought. 

 

Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x 

To my inner me, little Katie I am Sorry

To my inner me, little Katie I am sorry, 

Im sorry I didn’t protect you from harm

I’m sorry I didn’t have a voice back then sorry I didn’t say No this is wrong, Sorry I didn’t know it was wrong sorry by time did didnt speak out soon enough n yelled loud enough sorry the person who harmed you still walks the streets n didn’t get the sentence he should. 

Im sorry I’ve banished you somewhere, I’m sorry I hated you, Sorry I tried to deny you were part of me Sorry I blamed you Sorry I felt disgusted and ashamed by you, Sorry I couldn’t see you were not at fault, 

Im sorry I’ve lost that part of you, the child in me I’m sorry that part of you was robbed n a part of me can not recreate with a snapshot memory or experience, I’m sorry I never got to experience you and Katie been a child. 

Im sorry I hated you, sorry I punished you more n caused you harm by bullying u when u try resurface, I’m sorry I tried to cut u out, attack myself n try poison myself to get at you. I’m sorry because I envied you as even though suffered harm was still able to be vulnerable something I want feel but can’t. 

Im sorry when u tried resurface, I flashback, I feel u in me i try block out the fuzzing the entity of u inside trying to help me heal n move on I’m sorry I saw you as a disease a condition a damaged brain you were none just a damaged child within. 

Im sorry now I’m going to be a mum I couldn’t be mum to us, I’m sorry we lost our childhood, I’m sorry Katie for our childhood been robbed to Katie I am sorry I lost our inner child n chance be too. 

I Katie I am sorry to the abused child that I was and have lost somewhere inside myself. 

My mind likes to wander.

My mind likes to wander it likes to lapse and shut off in those intervals I am their in body but mind farther afield. When my mind lapses n wanders those moments I can not tell you were I go nor can I recollect what’s happened in those moments around me. 

Normally can be good when Im in control happening and were does like in my safe spots or if with trusted friends or loved ones who I can preworn happening as when in control I get that sensation Happening. 

im finding though now is happening more n more frequently and longer lapses and taking me to places of wander I don’t want return too and reason why I learned to teach my mind to lapse and wander.

I’ve to now ask myself why it gone from a pot safe coping mechanism to extremeties is.

First I have too look at my pot stressors.

1.’past memories resurafcing n fear address
2. Pregnancy Anxieties fears my lil one even confirmed is ok will be all ok, fear people are trying take over n try comment or influence what my child can n can’t do n testing me as a parent on values want have n how I aspire be n judging me on. I hate been/feeling been underminded or judged let me be mum to my child after all key word I am mum.
3.sometimes families too much a good thing as after awhile get overwhelmed, tiered, frustrated I like been arnd mine n oh but too in moderation n feel I’m ready space time out n respite from need time for me n time just my oh n time friends n engage my passions as soon me n oh become 3 our own family n so I need me to prepare for that change.
4. Hormonal n body changing as pregnancy goes through the diff stages.
5. The stressors above I’m trying ignore deny, not react to pretend not their n causing overload.

I’m aware my stressors, I’m aware my coping mechanism try telling me something n have to address.

1. Look to work through n address lapsing n parts taking me to ready address blogging helps identify areas n look can I self maintain, do I need re-engage some of my wellbeing tool kit activities, do I need look am ready address n find ways be supported through.

2. Look at all I doing n preparing my lil one n oh too n put our plans in force, look at how far come n think ill be great mum as never a parent wanted a child as much as me (all parents feel that) every time he wriggles n kicks remind yourselve he chose you ESP to be your mum n nobody else. Look at all your planning n your preps n hopes n visions n values n hopes 4 lil one u n oh. N think all that matters is our 3’s health and happiness as after all were our own family.

3. Find ways to have u time n time out n if need have not be scared n say need time out.

4. Time access mum be grps, antenatal n birthing classes n look how manage Hofmann fluctuations n changes

5. Stop ignoring things staring n screaming me in face n what mind try run away from.

What’s behind a name ?

I let out my thoughts, my feelings my vents through feelings. Today I vent n let out my frustrations regarding the choosing of my child’s name and surname. 

To me when choosing names is due to meaning or personal because u want your child be aspire be like someone a mark of respect a loved one passed on who you hold dear or still in your life n feel honoured n mark of respect n admiration n look up to pass on. 

As picking mso child’s name hearing not sure like, is a powerful name or last member of family with name n referred to when asked name he last of not the ethos I want behind his name. 

I want n his first name which me n daddy picked be something new but represents part me n daddy too our passions n so frm me his name covers Irish origins n daddy a like of his, his middle name linked to a relative an surname will be a dble barreled Surname one incorporating a great man to me like my dad n hero my grandad n the second part surname because my child to will look up to n have one man be his hero n his best friend his daddy. I want my child’s name to be special have meaning n personal flair n be out of love, admiration n inspirations in life. 

 

When I share name n announce it is because means something personal and dear, I think some see my child’s name as something of power, n like ownership n my child something I don’t want have his name linked to that sense of meaning n like a trophy statement. 

For like the values I want him have in life I too want him encompass grow up be abt love, friendship, growth, fun, nurturing,n shape be n encourage be who he want be n he be a loving friendly, cheeky, happy character n to follow his dreams or people I n daddy n he to will look up too. 

I don’t want his influences be abt power, ownership, thinking ok judge or make statements or frown on others or about money driven or think ok talk down on others as I don’t want anyone do that to him n their dont do others. 

For instance I’ve recentley amended my name I’m legally Katie now not Kathryn I changed the use of kathryn n was hard as losing part my Irish origin but because neg exp had it meant I had amend to heal n Ann I added as my middle name n daughters n mums middle name n Surname I wanted something new but to keep part of me but proud of n that why my old middle name my surname as encompasses n captures love 4 my Irish roots n too roots I set on my journey of finding me.