Today I thought I was looking forward to today’s service User Carer meeting with the Royal College of Psychiatry we was looking at Care Navigators and what a good one looked like, I was all psyched tell them about Tims Navigator Gary Wright the one who went above and beyond for Tim the one who did everything for him the one who services let do everything for Tim but never checked in on was everything ok, never got back to Gary when he had concerns, Gary helped Tim with many aspects of his life even tried addressing Tims mental health needs. Tim was only meant to have Tim on his books for a few weeks but he knew Tim needed intensive support an was not getting from statutory services. I was all excited to share some of the good out of the sadness I tweeted, fb an linked in an update and a pic of Gary with my mum in his fun run tshirt he did a 10k for Wyfi an ran in memory of Tim. But the closer the train got to kings cross did overwhelm swallow me up, I became over stimulated, hyper sensitive walking down to the Royal college of Psychiatry after getting of the tram felt like walking down a minefield the noises of passing traffic, work on nearby buildings, footsteps pounding down the street felt super sonic my mind went into a haze, mentally shutting off, instincts saying can’t engage today I’d triggered myself consciously I thought talking about wyfi been a good organisation would be ok but subconsciously I was challenging why other organisations that came into contact with Tim didn’t do same, i was winding myself up. When I arrived I saw the slide on what we’d be discussing I sat in my seat eyes fixated on the screen I got this but boom tidal wave hit floor was swallowing me up, hands face burning, dry mouth, knees buckling, heart pounding I had get up, I had flee, I made a coffee got upset wiped myself down berated myself I went back in I tried inputting, sharing ideas but everything felt amplified an that made me feel trapped in , hemmed in, panicked which then makes me reactive I know a good navigator why could I not get my points across with going into overwhelm felt not listened to felt I was fighting for something good I felt challenged but probably wasn’t, Care Navigators though I passionately believe in, I know what I’d want in one, I know the type of relationship we’d have I know how I’d want them engage with me, my family an all areas of my life the physical, mental an social but today just not on ball. One of members of group gave me a cuddle I broke its hard fighting for good, it’s hard engage with services it’s even hard engaging when at an engagement meeting. It’s hard though things regarding Tims inquest been know at a standstill and it weighing heavy in my thoughts an heart and today threw me off my A game I’m hoping sharing the slide someone could answer the questions on to them what they’d want a navigator look like because I’ve completely disengaged as I no longer trust the model or service or that they’d get right hoping people can though get their voices heard an I’ll happily forward your thoughts to team an you help me to try focus an be engaged whilst am a little wobbly today taught me need practice self care when engaging in engagement work and trying fight to make change an fighting for answers for tim my brother an best friend. Today wasn’t a good day but won’t let it sway me I’ll brush myself off and try again another day
On the 1st of February it’s Time To Talk Day I for last few years not partaken in for various reason’s but this year I have because it’s dawned on me people don’t rarely get to try and know me, talk to me, have painted a not nice picture of me not taken time to get to know me or Try understand me they’ll look down when I pass, try look busy, let’s not ask Katie how she is,
These last 18 months have been the most loneliest an most challenging especially with trying raise a toddler an self maintain having PTSD and I was hit with losing my brother to a preventable suicide an passing of my grandad closest thing had to a Dad.
These last 18 months I’ve struggled felt isolated people’s lives moved on mine didn’t , people didn’t want ask me how I was after my brother’s death because they didn’t know how I’d react I’m pictured as an angry, volatile person because have gone 0-10 on blow my head shouting scale but people don’t realise if I persevere I or my sons at threat I will become heightened an will react an I will use certain instances to react because the things that I don’t want to nor ready face come to terms with an deal with I try ignore but I get overwhelmed by something as simple as someone telling my child off is enough to spark that fuse and I’ll explode and I understand that when I explode it’s not a pretty site, I hate myself after it , I will bully myself turn in on myself I attack an put myself, I’ve also been known in certain situations known to suddenly drop everything and run because I don’t want people see the upset, the pain I don’t want people see me react me be weak, be vulnerable, don’t want feel trapped, panicked and nor do I want explode so see I’m stuck in a catch 22 do I blow up, do I let you see me upset.
I can’t though let you see me upset because you’ve not given me a chance, got to know me, not got to understand me a handful of people do they don’t see me as a scary, psycho mad person they see the scared person the person that’s hurting they see past that side of me they know it’s something that’s part of me can’t change no amount of therapy an anger management an counselling will help I’ve just had to adapt, to accept that’s one of my traits and angry Katie is only a small part of me but it’s the part that stands out.
It saddens me and hurts me that people may feel intimidated or scared of me because I’m not a scary or bad person nor am I violent I just get aggressive but that’s because I trying be assertive an protect myself but it comes out like a loud screaming banshee and I’m not that person all the time just a small percent off but because people don’t get past that point sadly the world does become lonely an isolating I try pretend it doesn’t hurt, try ignore how people are, I find myself now to avoiding people because when you stop to talk I struggle know what say, can’t pretend alls ok when not, selfishly don’t want hear how lives great don’t want pretend neither it is and rather not have people squirm , cut short conversations when do try open up because then I’m protecting me not opening up, exposing myself protecting my heart, ,my well being my self care.
Learning how to feel live with my emotions was a blessing at first but not so much at the moment because how now perceived when hit a stumbling block an working way through, medication, therapy hasn’t been an option for me I don’t yet trust services because how I ended up in past an because failings which led my brother’s death I plod on try attack get through each day one at a time.
If people took time to get to know me, too ask , too be my friend they’d see the nice Katie, friendly one,one whould go try out way make sure is ok but people struggle give me a chance I need people do that because it’s only way I’ll be able let you in because I struggle let people in because I’m that used been hurt, rejected people pick up on perceptions on me that I don’t let my guard down an sadly even though I’m extrovert need you make first move an try.
Theirs been days I’ve felt that lost, that alone questioned my existence have had days wished not woken up because don’t want go through life perceived something not, wanted life go back how was too been good but I can’t change the last 18 months just try get me back in check an I’m doing slowly but sadly I’ll always be held back if people can’t see past a small part of me.. and so for Time To Talk Day I wanted to address people picturing me as a monster, psycho, a person feel intimidated by because deep down that’s not me also I want people too try understand how when your anxious, feel at risk an have ptsd you don’t see logical ways out and when we talk about Mental Health we don’t talk much about anger, and how anger is a part of Mental health an how anger has people perceived an so I thought I’d through my blog challenge an address because here’s safe do I can be vulnerable because I’m hid behind the keyboard however tomorrow u may see me in person an if do just try say hello wish me a good day make me feel visible, accepted a chance belong because I do try my very best and don’t want to be seen anymore as scary, psycho Katie and so I hope on Time To Talk Day people see past someone’s Mental Health an see the person that’s within.
This Christmas will probably be the most nerve wracking, rollercoaster of a ride but too probably be the most healing as potentially a door closes to allow a new one open a new I thought never have.
Christmas of the past led me to fear Christmas, not get happy or excited about I wasn’t bah humbug just felt bah nothing. I never understood a festive spirit Id only experienced a dark n miserable time. So in end I’d dread Christmas n I’d crash, sadness, anger, heartache, my black dark cloud boom took over n I’d snowball into oblivion.
I look back on past Christmas now yes with tears of sadness but too tears of sadness 4 that part of me n hope somewhere inside they too experience the newlife N new side n new journey be had.
When I look back on past childhood Christmas I have great love n admiration my mum but too I kinda get why she has the bah nothin feel for Christmas she’s experienced great grieve n bereavement her Grandad n too so have I in loss of a daughter my mums Grandad would have made my Mums Christmas as I too my daughters.
My mum too suffered heartache, pain n her own negative treatment n abuse n to this day does just from another abuser/abusers I call them bullies or cowards n wished they took a real long hard look at themselves n the green eyed monster that makes them feel way do n when pass comment it’s always been mum n her kids please see why n then ask would u still be same n so my Christmas wish this year goes to her n in new year she is left alone n can find her own happiness her past closes n allowed to open a new.
At Christmas time as a Child I suffered abuse but too my mum I witnessed her suffer n spent a few Christmas finding somewhere safe too go n refuge n one practically walking the streets, I saw her try make Christmas for us put on a face that Christmas n wishes n spirit I saw her try salvage n put back together trashed rooms n tress n worked hard try give us a good Christmas n still smile n inside her heart crushed. Id hear her cry to Unchained Melody n ask herself why, what’s point what had she done wrong it used break my heart did that.
I used to believe in Christmas n ever afters n chased that dream thing mum inside still does but Fears too as not ever had n till sees prob won’t believe in think I at one point the year n Christmas sectioned was due finally give up on.
This Christmas however is a new dawn for me I close the door on Christmas of sadness n pain I have my Christmas miracle my Son, I have someone who too we have our moments their 4 us n loves n protects us n I know tomorrow’s Christmas will be a happy time as I can have the happy family time tresses n through having my son ill Open door to Christmas door off finding a believe in again.
At Christmas my hearts n thoughts will be with those who have lost someone, childhood and adult victims of abuse n too those who lost n n wandering n hope find refuge n comfort n some joy and too all those in pain n suffering n engulfed in darkness n sadness I too hope that door closes 4 u as I too hope does 4 my mum.
At Christmas I too feel proud of those who will open n give up their time be their 4 those who need like the Samaritans, NSPCC, Childline, Cruise, Crisis, Shelters, places offer refuge n a place gomi women centres n charities like healthy minds who support people move on too.
This Christmas ill shed a sad tear as I say goodbye to Christmas heartache n smile at my son n Adam n thank my daughter my Xmas star 4 shutting the door n giving me my Christmas wish
my own family n new beginning n one thing thought never have a chance have ever after n a world only dreamed have n Christmas spirit
i wish next year my mum gets that too x