Christmas Past and Christmas Present n tomorrow Christmas of the future.

This Christmas will probably be the most nerve wracking, rollercoaster of a ride but too probably be the most healing as potentially a door closes to allow a new one open a new I thought never have. 

Christmas of the past led me to fear Christmas, not get happy or excited about I wasn’t bah humbug just felt bah nothing. I never understood a festive spirit Id only experienced a dark n miserable time. So in end I’d dread Christmas n I’d crash, sadness, anger, heartache, my black dark cloud boom took over n I’d snowball into oblivion. 

I look back on past Christmas now yes with tears of sadness but too tears of sadness 4 that part of me n hope somewhere inside they too experience the newlife  N new side n new journey be had. 

When I look back on past childhood Christmas I have great love n admiration my mum but too I kinda get why she has the bah nothin feel for Christmas she’s experienced great grieve n bereavement her Grandad n too so have I in loss of a daughter my mums Grandad would have made my Mums Christmas as I too my daughters. 

My mum too suffered heartache, pain n her own negative treatment n abuse n to this day does just from another abuser/abusers I call them bullies or cowards n wished they took a real long hard look at themselves n the green eyed monster that makes them feel way do n when pass comment it’s always been mum n her kids please see why n then ask would u still be same n so my Christmas wish this year goes to her n in new year she is left alone n can find her own happiness her past closes n allowed to open a new. 

At Christmas time as a Child I suffered abuse but too my mum I witnessed her suffer n spent a few Christmas finding somewhere safe too go n refuge n one practically walking the streets, I saw her try make Christmas for us put on a face that Christmas n wishes n spirit I saw her try salvage n put back together trashed rooms n tress n worked hard try give us a good Christmas n still smile n inside her heart crushed. Id hear her cry to Unchained Melody n ask herself why, what’s point what had she done wrong it used break my heart did that. 

I used to believe in Christmas n ever afters n chased that dream thing mum inside still does but Fears too as not ever had n till sees prob won’t believe in think I at one point the year n Christmas sectioned was due finally give up on. 

This Christmas however is a new dawn for me I close the door on Christmas of sadness n pain I have my Christmas miracle my Son, I have someone who too we have our moments their 4 us n loves n protects us n I know tomorrow’s Christmas will be a happy time as I can have the happy family time tresses n through having my son ill Open door to Christmas door off finding a believe in again. 

At Christmas my hearts n thoughts will be with those who have lost someone, childhood and adult victims of abuse n too those who lost n n wandering n hope find refuge n comfort n some joy and too all those in pain n suffering n engulfed in darkness n sadness I too hope that door closes 4 u as I too hope does 4 my mum. 

At Christmas I too feel proud of those who will open n give up their time be their 4 those who need like the Samaritans, NSPCC, Childline, Cruise, Crisis, Shelters, places offer refuge n a place gomi women centres n charities like healthy minds who support people move on too. 

This Christmas ill shed a sad tear as I say goodbye to Christmas heartache n smile at my son n Adam n thank my daughter my Xmas star 4 shutting the door n giving me my Christmas wish 

my own family n new beginning n one thing thought never have a chance have ever after n a world only dreamed have n Christmas spirit

i wish next year my mum gets that too x 

My Myles, My Time, My baby and Im Mum

A year ago I struggled come to terms my sister’s been pregnant a wish I onced had a wish I realised wouldn’t happen for me or so I thought. 

I remember walking to tesco my mum n she said one day it happen for me, my comments and too as been alone and single at time genuinley meant and too believed in my heart and with clear conviction said to my mum. I’ve accepted will never happen for me as if it was would have happened by now. I’d accepted I was never going to be mum and coming too terms just be aunt. 

A year on though I am Mum or soon be Mum, I too found an Adam or maybe fate brought us together especially as was adamant when did come into my life us just be friends no more but I slowly grew like him n he me, his quirky personality melted me n the fact night tears flowed happiness and sadness and Adam he was there n held me through it n talked me through n too distracted me through. 

Love did blossom did have some turbulent ups n downs but we found a way work. 

Im soon be a mum, he be a dad people have said now used to are happy but timing not right, timing may have not been right to them but too me their was never a wrong or right time as gave up on be a time but everything does happen for a reason n reason maybe regardless of job changes, moves, a new love blossoming or try grow between me n Adam maybe is actually our time maybe were meant be a family of 3 something people should give us chance be not feel take over, make us jump through hoops, treat us like we won’t know what doing, people should step back n allow us have our time, us be parents n my time be mum something I told my mum I’d never be again but am excited, happy, determined give myles all can for he’s My Myles, My Son, My child n finally my moment be mum a moment I can’t wait to treasure a moment that was meant to be a moment that’s just right time 4 me and meant be n myles I can’t wait be mum n blessed u my son and knows our time n so for me is our right time, 

I love you Myles, I can’t wait be Mum, you chose me be mum n I’m blessed thing people to know need realise that too n I know n I will do what’s best 4 me, my son, my family as knows our moment n our moment to have x x x 

The hardest but most rewarding last few weeks x

I’ve been quite the last two months as they’ve been up and down a little bumpy say the least. I discovered I was pregnant in June , Me n baby’s daddy we fell out for a few days both probably behaved n did n said things shouldn’t but think we reacted that way as both shocked. Last year in my MH Recovery after separating Matt and my Sisters Falling Pregnant n to not crumble as dawned may never have that wish as was single living alone n 30 n n learning to live life as me told myself never happen n had my special baby was only way could cope n be happy them n for me not punish or criticise myself behind close doors, baby’s daddy thought may happen just not when has n we both facing changes own lives I’d moved near my family n him job changes n so rather talk our nerves n fears we had a few days fall out but it like that never happened now.,

 

im glad had him as had not really felt able talk through my nerves n anxieties n worries as I feared lose this baby way did Marybeth felt those close to me either to caught up in own lives, not interested even felt at point didn’t really care, n so I threw myself get stuff try n be sorted like working with midwifery team, referrals for monitoring for mh side as a extra precaution something I can worry less abt n finances n housing n finding out abt mummy n baby wellbeing n too throw myself into some of things enjoy volunteering wise like been a health champ n doing family stalls or, preparing n helping n getting ready n do a statement at healthy minds agm n my service user involvement activities even when tiered or bit snappy gave me focus and distraction n good for me as been told not stress, think positive n all will be ok kinda not want hear as they cant guarantee it nor do or could understand the gap when you’ve lost a child n actually u want talk about the what ifs, the how will i cope n will all be ok n so as didn’t feel could really do preparing n get ready n still be how got rnd n didn’t tell many others as wanted announce when knew all ok . Baby daddy though been arnd n us going midwife together n talking n working through us n guiding n supporting one another he knowing I needed a hug or rubbing my hand with a label n just been him n distracting me helped n strangely letting his parents fully quizz n get to know me n me slowly do with them thing been ok I think we learning to understand each other as times see n do things differently but thing for same reason n. nice slowly do that. 

We did have a lil scare n led a negative experience out of hrs services but that’s a sep blog but brought me n baby daddy tighter together. 

The first 2 weeks of this month has what has been the hardest n longest as was the blood tests n scans n the scans I feared n dreaded that’s the anxiety wanted share as the last scan had was what ended my last pregnancy n led me lose my special baby Marybeth.

I’ve kinda paced a lot try keeping out n about n even some mh stuff but to had a slight withdraw as inside my head mentally prepare lay down on a scanning bed n for ultrasound n ability shut of thoughts last one so can do these ones. The first scan was on the 6th I remember I laid down most time eyes shut n first time ever prayed all be ok as I was only supposed be getting a due date turned out full scan same morn as to baby daddy only one baby inside n been further along thought explained why bigger than am n so sonographer said I have do full scan to get through n all ok I prayed n willed with all my heart n didn’t look what happening n when said all ok n healthy lil boy n due Xmas day I cried tears off relieve n happiness n this weeks scan a consultant confirmed I still willed n prayed but this time watched n looked n nice my nanna see too n seeing his heartbeat n swallowing those moments best gifts ever have, 

I never thought in my lifetime have n am n I’m blessed n the bumpy start worth n Marybeth thank u as I willed n asked u watch over us all n blessed u n angel in heaven n your lil brother be n angel down here I’m gonna do all I can n be n give my lil gift n darling son all can 

I gave that dream up n by miracle n not asking n wanting finally happened x 

What’s to forgive I did no wrong, nor I Special or Mentally Unwell.

Recovery is all about Forgiveness, Forgive myself for what. Life Dealt me a tough hand am I too forgive Life why it not Life’s Fault another persons actions. It’s not Life’s Fault either Marybeth wasn’t to stay just meant for me to feel her an me be her Mum Is it lives fault for how it made me react or need find and heal myself or even find ways understand come to terms with accept the journey 4 what it means to me some good some not so good do I need Forgive myself for that no I need be my bf which am kind, compassionate, sometimes critical my anger can be a help/hinderance but that anger is what fuels me n me challenge me no longer a victim,service user just Katie Siobhan who strives be all can be. forgiveness who’s their to forgive not me, not society or life, Forgiveness is a term I don’t adhere to the ID or Ego and it’s conflicts n superiority or special been afflicted and illness a gift Im not unwell nor was nor do my experience make me special or need forgive myself for as none of that adheres to me nor ever will. I recently too went to a meeting discuss forgiveness theirs one person I would say unforgivable the person who stole my life by their actions that’s all no one else. But to forgive me, or anything else is not just service to me. Me be my best friend my own champion yes learn to move away from, be caring n compassionate to myself n appreciate the good I have whilst have as after all life changes day by day. Learn to  laugh, smile,cry, challenge myself more n face n overcome life’s changes n been angry at life society n change weres it get me nowhere so my anger has a name the one that’s the fire in my belly that’s my spirit,the fire the drive n me strive be all can be n day by day will get their but will get their on not forgiving myself or life but caring 4 me n been compassionate been my friend as falling out with myself n need forgive myself not really good way look at 4 me but just been nice to Katie then that’s all i need.

I was not depressed just a damaged broken heart.

Next week is depression awareness week people will describe as a genetic, clinical,faulty mind,health due hormones,thyroid affects of health, some like me will describe as the affects of live. 

I was abused as I grew up, I growing up moved a few times did stints in London n Bradford scattered round Leeds from nowells to bays waters, to eastdean drive that home hides the rooms were I experience the acts that are etched of a dark mind of a predator, too remember that person inflicted hurt on someone I have a love/hate relationship my mum. People a assume if mum tries meet someone I don’t like them they re partly true but its not them personally my mum knows why I,ve told her many times there’ll never be anyone good enough n that because my mum deserves someone who going to Knock through her barriers like I at times need people do me. , I lived Waterloo n swinnow too in those houses tthe memories of darkness are to etched in my mind. I went to our lady’s primary even sad home life school I loved Michelle’s birthday parties, trip Filey n pack ups in brown paper bags, Vanessa she was my bf I wonder where she is know n Peter too even Gemma n Anthony too. Sister Elizabeth she scared us all but she was actually nice, loved mrs Sweeney she gave me sweets after did school play n did swell in spelling tests. Father Michael was fun I later found out in high school he used to teach n taught the headmaster. I hated leave my friends not properly say goodtheir hated times hearing my mum crying alone too is only know homes have dissolved pain she’ll have felt too. 

I was an angry child most of my growing up but you prob be too I struggled make friends not due be shy but scared lose due move, I was a bully at times didnt know how express been hurt, feeling vulnerable, lost away from friends n places felt impulses of happy. Angry too felt bitter why me, angry too was what kept me strong. 

High school I part liked part hated loved mrs platt n rm 6 I used hide in their I lost my bf his bereavement broke my heart I envisaged he be one rescue me his fun n caring nature. I willed he’d recover pull through but the tumour came back. I remember seeing him before tumour came back he thought he maybe coming back school we sat on the radiator in the reception foyer he told me all ok n he’d be back n I loved that he never knew what going on home but his friendship n fun n smile they were what kept me strong. 

To be continued

The art of the human touch means more to me.

I’ve suffered pain live with the scars both physically n mentally etched in to my mind. 

Ive walked long n lonely corridors in my mind too in busy psych units pacing day in day out try understand why I felt lost n try plot my escapes out. 

Slamming doors, screams too pierce inside so to do the screams my inner child when I’m stuck in a freeze frame moment of my past, too when I’m hurting n in pain overcoming obstacles that try knock me off balance n want scream n shout n vent say someone please give me a break I don’t want to live a life were feel its a fight day in n out. 

 

Im my bf now somedays i feel am my only friend but that’s part off Me that’s usually having fire my belly n spur me on the survival part, there’s days I feel fulfilled content new friends n loves. 

 

Their are days I struggle on those days I actually don’t want told go to gp,crisis,a n e I know that n know that drill I’ve the own lived experience n too done that MH first aid training. 

Dont tell me use coping n distraction techniques I too have that n grounding n stay in the moment had that too programmed in me n I know complex the complexities off Katie I know too well is tell someone distraction n coping prompts just cop outs. 

When I share my upset, anger, pain I don’t want sympathy nor empathy, or advice I just want someone to listen the human touch been their, coffee n a chat a hug be their whilst I let my anger out but then when I collapse to a heap be their n hold me as that’s when I’m letting the tears of hurt out, be friend, dnt judge me nor expect me change link give respect n expect too I  give my heart to my friends so dnt break it. 

The human touch of friendship. love, kindness,encouragement n support knowing someone cared n not alone are what I felt needed the desire n lack of led me dwn my path if I’m stumbling is prob feel need these things in upset, anger ,crisis this is all need not gp,s meds, nor crisis n a n e nor therapy sometimes all I need is the human touch I think times were out of touch with that the human touch the art of listening,understanding,kindness,warmth, friendships n the art of that can go a long long way

The art of the human touch is needed more x