The day you left, The day you died their was no goodbye, no note, even Dennis the doll that had possessed you was not on you, was laid sleeping on the bed from day one I’ve argued if u meant to leave us it be Goodbye he’d have been on you. I’ve recently sat with our legal team had the voicemails you’ld left me transcribed they were of pleas for help, confusion an desperation a Katie if u can’t help get mam or your key-worker amidst the messages were I love you, I love my family and an I miss you. Their was no goodbye, no Katie I’m going now leaving you all an look after Mum because if was Goodbye you’ld have done an said that or left a note ask that. The day you left part of me died too I closed the world off , closed Myles off too shut the world out become fiercely overprotective of him and our time an space we went from a mad chaotic house of fun an play dates to solemness and time out exploring to hide from the pain an sadness we felt but couldn’t put a finger on or understand, Myles argues with your photo, your bench an your drum too they’re not your things he says in his head you left them I try explain you didn’t you had no choice so in Myles head you’ll be back an so he compromises with you he’s borrowing your things looking after he’s doing a Job. With every new build housing schemes an homes been built especially all ones around Mum’s he comments Uncle Timothy’s new Home. I don’t think he understands you’ve died I don’t correct an tell him otherwise neither because I can’t accept you’ve died to me it’s not real it’s a sick an sad joke I try pretend you’ll one day phone or knock on the door. I can’t get angry or mad with you and am just numb because I can’t process or understand why you did what you did on that fateful day, I try tell myself you were stupid an it was a desperate cry for help, the Catholic/Christian in me asks was God with you that day then I get angry with God then for taking you away, I tell myself you didn’t intend to go because you loved us, missed us we were your family you wouldn’t go and leave us without a Goodbye. Losing you to a preventable suicide has been soul destroying, heartbreaking the making of time stand still we’re incomplete at times I feel our families like a broken puzzle an your the missing piece, At night I lie awake talk to you inside my head plead for you to come back, I cry silent tears to try blot out the numbness but to no avail no goodbye is the hardest goodbye the not knowing why, your intentions an the could you have been saved always dominate my thoughts because my mind and heart don’t register or comprehend it was Goodbye. I don’t think we’ll ever know or understand why we can only try and reflect upon the why. Their was no Goodbye so Ill go with I’ll see you soon, Someday, That someday the grey clouds will have lifted, the light will shine through the darkness the numbness lifted the pain gone the sadness an confusion gone x I love u Tim and one day in the future we’ll say hello again be like old times and no need to feel like goodbye so one day tim I’ll see you again and you won’t leave again an we can forget about the need for goodbye x x
As someone who is trying have faith in God I’ve discovered that in Death if someone is for instance of an older age had their families lived their lives way wanted an accomplished all they wanted that when time comes it’s ok to not pray for recovery or healing but actually pray It time for them to pass peacefully meet their makers an for them to take their place in heavens realm in we one day see them again., With my grandad in the last few weeks seeing him in hospital so old, so frail not the person once was I knew his soul was ready leave this life it was to be hard but I did pray God listened to his Will his heart an if his time let him go peacefully, shortly after my Grandad passed my sons Great Grandad had a major stroke one he would not recover from he was moved to a home to make he’s final few weeks comfortable an again I prayed God listen to his heart an his will an when time comes let him to go peacefully. I’ve discovered that these deaths are classed as good Deaths strange notion a Good Death. But it then got me thinking about my daughter she was born still born she had severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus her death was not expected or planned whe received news did I prayed doctors had got wrong, I prayed for divine an medical intervention even asked for a blessing of healing over my bump but at the follow up consultation the harsh reality my child would not survive birth was put to me an that it’d be better end the pregnancy early an deliver her born sleeping an so I did at 22 weeks an 6 days surrounded by our immediate family I did will myself to Die too moment she did my body shut down crash team called in my family ushered out my mum prayed to god don’t take me her baby an you’ll gather I survived but I did suffer terribly mentally for years afterwards tortured myself spent along time in an out of psychiatric services took along time for the guilt to go to mourn it was an always will be a bad death as I’ll never understand why when discovered pregnant was given the precious gift of life to have cruelly ripped an snatched away, then we move onto 2013 I finally went on to have my rainbow baby 10 days before Christmas the child who brought me hope after darkness an is my continued reason to fight the darkness as in August 2016 I lost my brother, by best friend to a preventable suicide for 21/2 years he battled demons was tortured mentally lost his soul to his alter ego an became possessed by a doll my family an I we constantly thought for help for him in the May of year he died we thought he’d finally turned a corner he was moving into mental health supported housing, he was volunteering at St. George’s an at. TCV hollybush was given a new lease of life was optimistic we’d get our Tim back but for whatever reason we don’t know why we are now fighting for answers why, What happened for him to deteriorate mentally again, why were the signs not picked up on , why when he reached out for help was it not given why the week he died did Accident an Emergancy not intervene why did his Gp not intervene an why did the staff at the supported living not intervene. Since losing Tim my family an I are now mentally tortured physically an emotionally drained an having now fight the NHS an social care an now the legal system to get the answers why today should be a day spent with my son but sadly I’ve had to make childcare arrangements will go to my mums argue an negotiate with our solicitor an barrister with my mum the band aid plaster trying protect me from hurt of losing Tim will be ripped of as mum an I will again have review an critique all the legal paper work an Work out our next steps today I’m mentally preparing myself for news that the courts have rejected our notion for the judicial review that’s challenged the coroner’s decision regarding article 2 and preparing myself our legal team may tell us stop perusing and I too now am slowly losing my faith an sense of hope because I can not move on with my life, days of feeling happiness have disappeared it’s know a battle of get through each day best can because I’ve my son an he needs me an I don’t want my family facing anymore heartache an pain, I throw myself into fighting for answers for tim, trying challenge the system get changes made but we are no further forwards but rather further back I don’t think we’ll get the answers an closure we’re looking for an destined to carry the heavy burden and pain of losing tim with us and Day he died to part of us to died his death changed us changed how we see life, how we now interact an engage an took part away our hearts and souls so we’re no longer the people we used to be I try engage in life because of Myles but at same time have cut myself off an detached myself from certain aspects to survive the hell were now facing, losing a child at whatever age to a parent is never a good death it wasn’t something I’d ever want me an mum share going through and losing a brother to a preventable suicide wasn’t a good death neither they are bad Deaths ones I know struggle with an carry heartache off to me they are bad Deaths an when time comes I will tell God that and I know he’s expecting that because I do know argue with him, challenge verses in the bible do not pray as devoutly as once did an sadly feel him lost from my life I do try search for him but am on a string hold now with my faith I once cut him out my life if not for my son probably would have done because as I said earlier he’s my continued hope in darkness I fell myself he’s my gift from God an with that comes the sense I’ve to be eternally grateful an so I persevere in my ongoing battle with faith in life we do all die but death is not always Good because some Deaths are not inevitable an those that die too soon had more out of life to give did not have The chance reach their potential an life had more to offer them an so death was bad and robbed them of the joy of life the pain of that death an fighting to understand why then ripples throughout the lives of loved ones so when people talk about death I’ve discovered some deaths yes are good and some are just as equally bad an it’s important when people now talk about death consider what is a good death an Too what is a bad death an how you know support people going through that x x x
It’s coming up to 2 years since I will have sadly lost my brother to a preventable suicide in Mental Health Supported Transitional Housing after been allowed to fall through the cracks an not put on any care Pathway by the Mental Health Trust he was under and passed between them and Adult Social Care. I’ve tried fighting for answers challenging the system and asking why, How could they ignore the signs, ignore his pleas were was his Duty of Care. I’ve been dipping in an out of NHS Englands Learning From Deaths work and the team leading they are trying but just like us Families I think they’re up against it too. How do you change an archaic driven system,. Today I was invited to a 1 hour meeting with the department of health and was speaking on 4 areas that need addressing and helping push the guidance through that families put their blood sweat an tears into, my mum an I we too put ours. Today I was focusing on the legal power imbalances families face in fight for answers and the hurdles we have accessing our loved ones records an when u get its only a half story an leaves you with even more questions and thing today I let some of the frustrations feel come out an do normally try hold it together thing seeing my loved ones and loved ones of fellow families made me want demand answers as to us after that meeting we don’t go home forget about, put to bed let something reprioritise it because we have the stark reminder someone is missing, for many it’s their child and they’re robbed of seeing them grow, get married, achieve their dreams an them one day get married an families of own, With Tim I’ve been robbed of my best friend we was like two peas in a pod he was the one who guided me though some of my darkest moments an their at my proudest looking at his photo in that meeting hit me wanted scream you all murdered my brother your systems, processes and pathways are harming not helping in our fight one thing we hear regularly is “failure in breakdowns in communication ” a gp can’t see Paris and record on it the NHS can’t see the gps system one and record and that and the grey area duty of candour is not assisting an a hinderance is the grey area of confidentiality an record sharing or in Tims case not record sharing and when you add local council record keeping an the supported living recording system it’s no wonder tim, us as a family an his navigator was hitting brick walls. Failure in communication is not an acceptable answer to why someone is driven too take their own live, before the meeting I was chatting with my sister on how we feel about Tims death an we want to be angry with him but we understand he wasn’t ok an today I needed let some of that anger an frustration how dare they say computer said no surely that should be something can change. Telling Tims story an where we are at with the inquest process is frustrating we’re gridlocked an at a standstill because we’re going through a judicial review because sadly the coroner is listening to two sides an not the side that matters us that matters the family. If my brother’s death had been in hospital we’d have been granted a Article 2 enquiry automatically if was a NHS run supported living would have done but because Social Care the coroner’s using the grey area death in community. I told them today if we lose the review we lose all legal representation and aid and have to fight for answers alone and that many families met recently had represent themselves an that any requests had were denied and so outcomes didn’t go in their favour they didn’t get their answers and left now fighting that bit more yet the evidence was clear for all to see, I told them I should be grieving my brother but I don’t I’m my families advocate I review, critique try put the jigsaw puzzle together and find the solutions to the failings an that’s not fair it’s left me physically an mentally battered and been offered no support by those who failed him apart from a token book coping with death of a loved one to suicide I don’t want to cope with his death I want him in my life I want to know no other family will feel my pain and it’s hard to gage did they listen, take note will things be done and implemented an changed the people in room today can’t expect us to be patient in our quests, can’t expect us be fobbed off to us they’res too much at stake, we just want openness, truth an accountability we need to grieve to mourn, to try lead lives without those we love as hard as it is it’s not fair be gridlocked no we’re further nor nearer to those answers an solutions because whilst we’re gridlocked we add to the growing number of historical cases my family we’re only short way in and we’ve one long road tred but if today taught me anything the fight will get harder, will break me that bit more but it’s not a fight will walk away from Tim deserved so much more and so did the family’s lost loved ones because I’m not going away harmed patients an families too won’t go away because we broke the day our loved ones died you can’t break us anymore so you might as well help us piece ourselves back together let me grieve an mourn let me free my brother’s memory free not keep having air his broken story give us the truth it’s time he had dignity in death let me dream he’s know free with my daughter in heaven I want to let him go and let him be free my family need free ourselves to off our pain an anger. X x
Your home is Your Castle, Your Sanctuary the place you grow, make memories in it’s your dwelling, your abode, your place of safety and refuge, my hope it’s old it’s worn needs some tender loving care I moan about it my sons picked up I call it a shanties ramshackle house when I’m having a rant day so he now calls it old house wants a new house. At the same time though am lucky because this ramshackle house is my home. My brother Tim he sadly died not knowing or having that he obsessed got into vicious cycle fearing he’d be made homeless again when he died he was at a place called Cottingley Court, it was Transitional Housing for vulnerable adults affected by homelessness, addiction, and mental health he’d stayed their at crisis then he moved in to one of their flats to be assessed to determine what support he needed he was to be their at least a minimum of 6 months could have stayed up to 2 years and if warranted longer or moved to somewhere that could have offered permanent support. Tim in his mind didn’t feel safe, didn’t feel settled couldn’t make roots or settle because it wasn’t made clear he wasn’t to be made homeless wasn’t no plan no where definitive said this is your home. He once posted on his Facebook shortly after moving to cottingley court “I’m allowed Visitors” that dosent really say he saw as his home it says he saw as been in more of a inpatient or Care home, “I’m allowed visitors ” reading back is heartbreaking read I try putting myself in his shoes imagine the confusion he felt an tears run down my cheek all he wanted was one thing I moan about a place to call home, a home where he made rules a home that he opened up to his friends an family not somewhere dictated by guidelines to follow I.e no visitors after certain times cottingley court they advised offered crisis support but they didn’t an if we knew Tim was desperately struggling we’d have offered to stay with him help him make feel like his home we’d have him making the bacon butties with a brew he used make a decent buttie. He shouldn’t have resorted to drastic action he took when reaching out for help an reassurance he died broken, lost, isolated and desolate in a place that was supposed to be his home. 2 days before he died he spoke his fears with his GP, his GP just listened an made him tea an biscuits, tea an biscuits is what us his family should have been having at his house when visiting or should I say a coffee as where all coffee drinkers in our family we don’t offer visitors coffee we ask them make us a coffee, help themselves to whatever open our homes up sad ain’t it my brother’s gp could only help by make a cup of tea an biscuits an for a brief moment tim will have felt the sensation , feeling like home, Why couldn’t cottingley court give him that sensation help him realise was home , reassure him wasn’t to be homeless , give him the support an care he needed an why moved their in first place, why didn’t they keep him safe, protect him they were supposed to why did he not feel safe, why did he die feeling like didn’t have a place called home it’s not much ask is it have a place that’s yours an call home.
I lost my brother to a preventable suicide he fell through the cracks systemic failures by the trust an social care team under and the supported housing team were he lived. It’s the worst way to lose someone you can never prepare for, comprehend an understand why. I lost a baby born still born in 2002 I knew she was to be born stillborn due to severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus I knew as she took her last breath I’d hold her in my arms I’d kiss her on the head and I’d say goodbye, I lost my Grandad back in February 2017 I called in on the Morning of the Day he died to the hospital the Doctor told me that day when my Nanna came in they’d be stopping his medicine, taking his oxygen away he was getting put on an end of life Pathway, I went up to my mums saw my nanna an held her told her prepare for worst, I went to lighthouse academy my friends held me up, prayed with me I was preparing say goodbye. That night I went back to the hospital treatment had been stopped, as many family members as could were contacted, notified mad dashes to the hospital, he was surrounded by family held he was not in pain nor alone I got to say goodbye even though I wasn’t ready. Nothing can prepare you when you lose a loved one to Suicide because you can’t see it coming, you don’t expect if you knew or had a chance you’ld do everything in your power to stop from happening. This week I read in our legal teams argument for Article 2 systemic failings led to the events of my brother’s preventable suicide , I read that my brother had already passed when the paramedics got too him and probably had been a no of hours it breaks my heart to know he was lost, alone an in his final hours an until found had died that way. I wasn’t their to hold him, my mum didn’t get hold him even though an adult was her baby she did didn’t get that chance like I did with my baby somehow prepare an be their and like with grandad we knew we all surrounded wrapped round him he’ll have felt an known was loved I hate the feeling that losing my brother to a preventable suicide has done I hate knowing he may have felt unloved, unworthy, uncared for because he was. Losing a loved one to suicide is not only their lives lost but also part of you, your family dies too it feels strange, unnatural, not right, it’s broken, fractured, damaged your heart, the heart of your family dies too you get swamped into a dark hole, dark skies descend over all you know, life, joy gets zapped from you. I hate that I didn’t know, didn’t get chance stop, didnt get hold my hand out pull him back, I hate that I didn’t get say goodbye I hate that I don’t get angry at him, I hate that I can’t ask him why, I hate that I can’t bring myself to hate those who failed him, I hate I don’t have an axe to grind I hate that I want to give them a chance to learn lessons from his death I hate it’s been me, my family who held out that olive branch and I hate that they’re reluctant too take I hate that I can’t hate them want give them a chance I don’t understand why because they robbed me of my brother, my best friend , I want scream, yell call them murderers because of their systemic failings but I can’t because I know he deserves more, I know I’ve to give those a chance who failed him, I’ve to fight the legal system for article 2 to make his life matter, his memory, his life be remembered, he be remembered as someone who deserved help, be supported, cared for, a life worth saving and him not be just another life sadly lost to suicide, him not be a statitistic because he was worth more than that. Losing a loved one sadly to a preventable suicide flips your world upside down an know all can do is try make sense off and fit the jigsaw puzzle pieces together that led to that day to understand why and then with that completed puzzle find a way grieve, mourn say goodbye an try prevent someone else from sadly taking their live, give those that failed ideas to come up with pathways, measures to build safety nets to try ensure dosent happen again, I don’t have anyone can go to that can talk to about so I share my feelings here in my blog I know people struggle to talk to you about, ask how help, I know because I struggle with too. I hope that people reading who are in same place my brother was would contact me so I can help you so you don’t do what my brother did as you are worth more than that, for those that have lost a loved one to suicide to feel free contact me you are not alone it may feel it but I know the pain you feeling I feel it too, to Services, councils, NHS trusts social care providers that want make a difference to people affected by addiction, mental health and homelessness and put mental health on their patient safety strategies or looking at suicide prevention of people society turns their back on we’re culture around people with combined needs or are seen as unsafeable or attitudes around personality disorders needs challenging or your pathways not inclusive your not getting everyone on one or you need improve your community contact me if you genuinely want learn knock on my door because like I said lives like my brother’s matter let’s work together an make a difference I can’t bring him back but his memory, story can help save life’s.
Mental Health Positive Practice Awards the biggest insult to individuals an families affected by especially to loved ones who’ve lost a loved one due failings in services and are having to fight for answers why, one of this years shortlisted entrants at her old trust did great things but is know at a new trust been their just over a year started a few weeks after my loved ones passing that trust have never behaved in away that’s worthy of positive practice towards my brother or my family but yet celebrated in the accoloade of the nomination they were a trust that demonstrated positive practice, I’d like ask then is positive practice sending a stranger to someone’s home no involvement in the care of the person who coming say sorry for their death is positive practice, is giving a grieving mother an siblings a book about bereavement positive practice is telling them the trusts going to carry out a serious incident review but I’m not involved in positive practice, Is positive practice telling a grieving mum who trying fit the pieces of a jigsaw together to find answers why that she can’t have her dead son’s medical notes because she didn’t have power of Attorney positive practice, is not having no direct contact or email address an having ring every dept within your trust to find the named professional handling the serious incident review positive practice, is it positive practice to then get handle the families complaint as well as the incident review, is it positive practice to give to someone who new post the task for them to meet the family but then decide can’t do and ok pass someone else, is it then ok then that person rush do an compile an apparently get loads of changes made coincidently the month report compiled an no family involvement positive practice and then except a mum say’s ok but yet not gone an discussed with her just sent her an her advocate through the post positive practice, is positive practice having a complaint drag on not resolved one that didn’t need be made if supported an work with the mother and family through their grieve an give them answers looking for positive practice. The nominee maybe worthy of their award but please don’t let the trust be part of that accolade and say their a trust that demonstrates positive practice because that just causes further hurt an pain an upset to families like mine especially when complaints still ongoing, answers still not given an now in the legal domain an why not named the trust that’s going to take credit for been a positive practice provider an I’ve to sit bite my tounge an stay stronger even pray an hand that upset to god an ask for peace in hope my mum gets the answers looking for so she can one day be able start to mourn an grieve her son but the why’s and how could happen and why not helped put the brick wall up an barrier to mourning up because till you can comprehend the why it’s a case then you can’t and I hate seeing my mum have to fight try be strong an worry about her not been able mourn an what will happen when she gets the answers is that positive practice have a family stuck in their grief unable mourn especially when you hold that power to answer but choose not to because saying sorry for the failings means accepting accountability positive practice. It’s also to individuals that live with mental health an access services an insult them theirs positive practice awards you shouldn’t need awards to make your staff be compassionate, challenge the way things work, initiatives should come from wanting to do through Listening an working with individuals an common sense not coproduction an through caring an isn’t caring why you signed up to the job, to make a difference an isn’t it what your their supposed to do anyway an what to your fellow colleagues an departments who want do great an positive things but are hit by staff shortages, high demands to access services, working out on the margins when hit by service cut right back an try make a difference an to them positive practice is risking burnout as they go extra mile supporting someone with complex needs go unnoticed acceptable not really because what they do goes over looked by things like positive practice awards but yet shouldn’t and they don’t care don’t get credit they’re just doing what signed up for their job, To all at the positive practice awards enjoy but to the trusts going share in ask do you really dare share in that accolade and also ask yourselves if it’s prestige an awards and accolades your driving force to ensure you get job done ask yourselves why, and remind yourselves individuals and families expect to be treat with care, with dignity, be listened to with compassion they’re not desirable criteria for positive practice it’s why you should be doing the job and providing the service you provide.
Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did.
Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though.
On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me”
when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”
walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you”
I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one.
I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that.
Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.
Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me.
There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill
theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too.
If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought.
Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x