Christmas Past and Christmas Present n tomorrow Christmas of the future.

This Christmas will probably be the most nerve wracking, rollercoaster of a ride but too probably be the most healing as potentially a door closes to allow a new one open a new I thought never have. 

Christmas of the past led me to fear Christmas, not get happy or excited about I wasn’t bah humbug just felt bah nothing. I never understood a festive spirit Id only experienced a dark n miserable time. So in end I’d dread Christmas n I’d crash, sadness, anger, heartache, my black dark cloud boom took over n I’d snowball into oblivion. 

I look back on past Christmas now yes with tears of sadness but too tears of sadness 4 that part of me n hope somewhere inside they too experience the newlife  N new side n new journey be had. 

When I look back on past childhood Christmas I have great love n admiration my mum but too I kinda get why she has the bah nothin feel for Christmas she’s experienced great grieve n bereavement her Grandad n too so have I in loss of a daughter my mums Grandad would have made my Mums Christmas as I too my daughters. 

My mum too suffered heartache, pain n her own negative treatment n abuse n to this day does just from another abuser/abusers I call them bullies or cowards n wished they took a real long hard look at themselves n the green eyed monster that makes them feel way do n when pass comment it’s always been mum n her kids please see why n then ask would u still be same n so my Christmas wish this year goes to her n in new year she is left alone n can find her own happiness her past closes n allowed to open a new. 

At Christmas time as a Child I suffered abuse but too my mum I witnessed her suffer n spent a few Christmas finding somewhere safe too go n refuge n one practically walking the streets, I saw her try make Christmas for us put on a face that Christmas n wishes n spirit I saw her try salvage n put back together trashed rooms n tress n worked hard try give us a good Christmas n still smile n inside her heart crushed. Id hear her cry to Unchained Melody n ask herself why, what’s point what had she done wrong it used break my heart did that. 

I used to believe in Christmas n ever afters n chased that dream thing mum inside still does but Fears too as not ever had n till sees prob won’t believe in think I at one point the year n Christmas sectioned was due finally give up on. 

This Christmas however is a new dawn for me I close the door on Christmas of sadness n pain I have my Christmas miracle my Son, I have someone who too we have our moments their 4 us n loves n protects us n I know tomorrow’s Christmas will be a happy time as I can have the happy family time tresses n through having my son ill Open door to Christmas door off finding a believe in again. 

At Christmas my hearts n thoughts will be with those who have lost someone, childhood and adult victims of abuse n too those who lost n n wandering n hope find refuge n comfort n some joy and too all those in pain n suffering n engulfed in darkness n sadness I too hope that door closes 4 u as I too hope does 4 my mum. 

At Christmas I too feel proud of those who will open n give up their time be their 4 those who need like the Samaritans, NSPCC, Childline, Cruise, Crisis, Shelters, places offer refuge n a place gomi women centres n charities like healthy minds who support people move on too. 

This Christmas ill shed a sad tear as I say goodbye to Christmas heartache n smile at my son n Adam n thank my daughter my Xmas star 4 shutting the door n giving me my Christmas wish 

my own family n new beginning n one thing thought never have a chance have ever after n a world only dreamed have n Christmas spirit

i wish next year my mum gets that too x 

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