Love Anxiety and the power of ” I partially love you ” my take on my anxiety for mental health awareness week this week.

This week is mental health awareness week the theme is Anxiety. This  week you will probably hear about many different ways Anxiety affects each individual differently and it’s impact can have massive implications for an individual and those around them. 

So here’s my take on how anxiety has impacted me and that is the anxiety I get when I fall in love or know someone’s fallen in love with me. 

Ive always struggled to accept I was lovesble, I’ve always seen myself as damaged goods, I’ve always thought someone loving me was dangerous, something bad would happen, I would be hurt or something bad would happen to me or I’d be punished or lose something I do hold dear.  To me that was due to been an abuse victim an also I suffered the loss of my daughter the first person I ever loved n me losing that led to my fear of love intensifying n into a full blown anxiety of and an ability have n moment I felt in love or loved meant I spiralled out of control n the anxiety my self saboteur. 

I in the past have have had to be the dominant person in a relationship, in control, need meets met, reassurances n times cared for if not I struggled n anxiety takes over it made me panic, worry, neurotic be self destructive push people away through how I was I’d go from miss nice to miss nasty, I couldn’t tell people I was trying push them away because I was scared, panicking inside, feeling overwhelmed things out of control n because in love n afraid of n not ready for n needed me control things. 

If I didn’t get or couldn’t have control, I couldn’t say what going on inside so I would either shut off, withdraw close myself off, turn myself off so didn’t feel anything n led to my anxiety n inability  be happy is part of my anxiety fear of love, that caused me spiral be demotivated n spiral from the anxiety to depression n times impacted that much I spiralled into having years of on n off chronic n enduring mental health. 

To try try protect myself at times n cope I’d become argumentative n find a person weak spot n target because I felt vulnerable n exposed n afraid n that made me heightened n I couldn’t have people see that or know that least of all person I was in love with or felt loved by I couldn’t let them see I was exposed n in love too for I feared its implications something bad will happen to me, love wasn’t good for me or healthy n damaging. So I would be cruel to the person who loved me n in turn thing turned people to hate me couldn’t have them love me pity I just couldn’t say what going on. 

Here’s an insight into just a snippet of how my anxiety impacted on someone who loved me.

By being like that my anxiety damaged people in my past who didn’t deserve. Marybeth’s dad n I no longer speak after losing our daughter I feared lose him, rejected him, told him her loss his fault I broke his spirit n heart because I too felt that told myself wasn’t good enough I lost our love I feared lose him if loved him I drove him away to point he rejected me. I think in my mind I needed him let me go I thing I thought I was protecting him from harm. 

 

I hope that he’s in love now n happy, I hope he’s found what we should have had love happy n settled n I hope he’s loved n feels that too I hope he’s respected n valued most importantly doesn’t feel damaged or at fault for anything. 

I tried do relationships for a time my anxiety destroyed quite a few to a time when starting my recovery I accepted I had a fear and anxiety n not ready for love n had learn to feel happy n me learn it ok for me to love me let alone anyone else. 

Strangely though I know am in love and a mum I still struggle with my fear an anxiety. 

I never meant to fall in love with my know oh tried keep him at arms length did tell him if thought I was developing feelings or he me I would find a way reject him an push him away and I did n do try I’d find faults n arguments but he knew I was doing n he’d address n we’d work through we learned power of communicating n be friends, by how he is with me n him been laid back in his way has helped me not need feel need control n because too how he was n their for me when really mattered n didn’t let me have control n felt better he handle something made me realise was safe to feel ok n be in love n seeing him hold our child first time I realised it ok me be happy n in love n rather than reject that n fear i actually try now protect it n helps with my anxiety of losing n having love I don’t want reject my oh or son n know I have fear of losing them but know I want protect them, ensure they happy n loved, 

my oh he says I partially love you, that’s helped me learn it ok hear someone say I love you n let someone in to love me, I can do I partially love you n feel ok n safe n happy hear, I know in my heart I love him n he love me n ” I partially love you” means so much n does wonders when trying have something that your afraid of n the power of partially love you has helped me find n have love n be in n nothing happened yet I’m ok n my fam ok. 

 

When people talked about n raised awareness of anxiety this week I wanted share my insight n how impacted me n those who love me n tried to.

 

Sharing my fears was Surestart Ok.

Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did. 

 

Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though. 

On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me” 

when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”

walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not  know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you” 

I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one. 

I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that. 

Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours  n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.

Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me. 

There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill

theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too. 

If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought. 

 

Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x 

What’s to forgive I did no wrong, nor I Special or Mentally Unwell.

Recovery is all about Forgiveness, Forgive myself for what. Life Dealt me a tough hand am I too forgive Life why it not Life’s Fault another persons actions. It’s not Life’s Fault either Marybeth wasn’t to stay just meant for me to feel her an me be her Mum Is it lives fault for how it made me react or need find and heal myself or even find ways understand come to terms with accept the journey 4 what it means to me some good some not so good do I need Forgive myself for that no I need be my bf which am kind, compassionate, sometimes critical my anger can be a help/hinderance but that anger is what fuels me n me challenge me no longer a victim,service user just Katie Siobhan who strives be all can be. forgiveness who’s their to forgive not me, not society or life, Forgiveness is a term I don’t adhere to the ID or Ego and it’s conflicts n superiority or special been afflicted and illness a gift Im not unwell nor was nor do my experience make me special or need forgive myself for as none of that adheres to me nor ever will. I recently too went to a meeting discuss forgiveness theirs one person I would say unforgivable the person who stole my life by their actions that’s all no one else. But to forgive me, or anything else is not just service to me. Me be my best friend my own champion yes learn to move away from, be caring n compassionate to myself n appreciate the good I have whilst have as after all life changes day by day. Learn to  laugh, smile,cry, challenge myself more n face n overcome life’s changes n been angry at life society n change weres it get me nowhere so my anger has a name the one that’s the fire in my belly that’s my spirit,the fire the drive n me strive be all can be n day by day will get their but will get their on not forgiving myself or life but caring 4 me n been compassionate been my friend as falling out with myself n need forgive myself not really good way look at 4 me but just been nice to Katie then that’s all i need.

I was not depressed just a damaged broken heart.

Next week is depression awareness week people will describe as a genetic, clinical,faulty mind,health due hormones,thyroid affects of health, some like me will describe as the affects of live. 

I was abused as I grew up, I growing up moved a few times did stints in London n Bradford scattered round Leeds from nowells to bays waters, to eastdean drive that home hides the rooms were I experience the acts that are etched of a dark mind of a predator, too remember that person inflicted hurt on someone I have a love/hate relationship my mum. People a assume if mum tries meet someone I don’t like them they re partly true but its not them personally my mum knows why I,ve told her many times there’ll never be anyone good enough n that because my mum deserves someone who going to Knock through her barriers like I at times need people do me. , I lived Waterloo n swinnow too in those houses tthe memories of darkness are to etched in my mind. I went to our lady’s primary even sad home life school I loved Michelle’s birthday parties, trip Filey n pack ups in brown paper bags, Vanessa she was my bf I wonder where she is know n Peter too even Gemma n Anthony too. Sister Elizabeth she scared us all but she was actually nice, loved mrs Sweeney she gave me sweets after did school play n did swell in spelling tests. Father Michael was fun I later found out in high school he used to teach n taught the headmaster. I hated leave my friends not properly say goodtheir hated times hearing my mum crying alone too is only know homes have dissolved pain she’ll have felt too. 

I was an angry child most of my growing up but you prob be too I struggled make friends not due be shy but scared lose due move, I was a bully at times didnt know how express been hurt, feeling vulnerable, lost away from friends n places felt impulses of happy. Angry too felt bitter why me, angry too was what kept me strong. 

High school I part liked part hated loved mrs platt n rm 6 I used hide in their I lost my bf his bereavement broke my heart I envisaged he be one rescue me his fun n caring nature. I willed he’d recover pull through but the tumour came back. I remember seeing him before tumour came back he thought he maybe coming back school we sat on the radiator in the reception foyer he told me all ok n he’d be back n I loved that he never knew what going on home but his friendship n fun n smile they were what kept me strong. 

To be continued

The art of the human touch means more to me.

I’ve suffered pain live with the scars both physically n mentally etched in to my mind. 

Ive walked long n lonely corridors in my mind too in busy psych units pacing day in day out try understand why I felt lost n try plot my escapes out. 

Slamming doors, screams too pierce inside so to do the screams my inner child when I’m stuck in a freeze frame moment of my past, too when I’m hurting n in pain overcoming obstacles that try knock me off balance n want scream n shout n vent say someone please give me a break I don’t want to live a life were feel its a fight day in n out. 

 

Im my bf now somedays i feel am my only friend but that’s part off Me that’s usually having fire my belly n spur me on the survival part, there’s days I feel fulfilled content new friends n loves. 

 

Their are days I struggle on those days I actually don’t want told go to gp,crisis,a n e I know that n know that drill I’ve the own lived experience n too done that MH first aid training. 

Dont tell me use coping n distraction techniques I too have that n grounding n stay in the moment had that too programmed in me n I know complex the complexities off Katie I know too well is tell someone distraction n coping prompts just cop outs. 

When I share my upset, anger, pain I don’t want sympathy nor empathy, or advice I just want someone to listen the human touch been their, coffee n a chat a hug be their whilst I let my anger out but then when I collapse to a heap be their n hold me as that’s when I’m letting the tears of hurt out, be friend, dnt judge me nor expect me change link give respect n expect too I  give my heart to my friends so dnt break it. 

The human touch of friendship. love, kindness,encouragement n support knowing someone cared n not alone are what I felt needed the desire n lack of led me dwn my path if I’m stumbling is prob feel need these things in upset, anger ,crisis this is all need not gp,s meds, nor crisis n a n e nor therapy sometimes all I need is the human touch I think times were out of touch with that the human touch the art of listening,understanding,kindness,warmth, friendships n the art of that can go a long long way

The art of the human touch is needed more x

A beautiful mess inside

A beautiful mess inside

This is the inside of my head I was doing this as art of something for healthy minds and around stigma and our thoughts and experiences around own mh.

I call it a beautiful mess inside for those feelings inside are part of me they’ve caused me darkness but to bring me beauty as they make up part of me.

The mess inside is due feel one time ugly, hated myself I’ve been bullied by others but I’m a worser bully to myself.

I have slowly started grief for my loss Marybeth the childhood shed never have nor see her grow up. I slowly grief for the live I’ve never had as I find the light n life I want to have.

I know that I’m not Mad nor Crazy nor mentally unwell.
I’m just simply a beautiful mess inside.

I’m a beautiful mess inside or I’ve been hurt, felt vulnerable lost and unloved, scared, isolated frightened too scared to say my heart to wounded and broken due childhood pain and grieve.

I’m a beautiful mess inside because I just needed to feel loved be taught a good person that I’m not damaged but beautiful inside and out.

Taking over Katie. Can be good or bad.

My strong points and my weaknesses affect what takes over me. 

Taking over Katie means that in a guy sense if they want to play the alpha male (dominant role) then they have to go all out show won’t hurt me, let me down, protect me, even fight for me as when I feel that your trying take over me I will push you away, reject you part protect me, part proof your worth n you can knock down my guard. I’m you see not a survivor but a fighter this world is all about that. I know no other way. 

Taking over Katie has been negative/toxic friendships for Katie to feel loved n needed something Katie won’t say but craves. She used to buy friendships/relationships to belong, she changed her identity, lost her spirit tried be what they wanted, acted like, waited around was picked up, dropped time and time again. I didn’t ever see it I became dependant On it I just wanted only ever fit in that need for dependancy lost me my independenance when friends/relationships finally got boared I’d be rejected dropped from some great heights didnt see comming nor understand why. I struggle with friendships and relationships part fear ill repeat old traits, be hurt and rejected n the fighter in me know keeps that guard up as scared of be hurt n want my friendships to have meaning mutual respect n their one another good/bad. Friends on an equal level. 

Taking over Katie has been professionals too sectioning me to units taking away my own responsibility of care made me become institutionalised dependant on your world, your structures your domain and your treatments I became unhealthily dependant yould fix me but not you zombified me I had to learn like, love myself, dependant on just Me. Im even using your language still as that’s embedded in me.

Taking over Katie is also the dark side of Katie flashbacks grip Katie she becomes stiff n scared tears silently flow as she wants to scream no, don’t hurt me n get off me n please why do you do these things. I at times forget I’m with a loved one they in my head the one who caused my pain.

 

Taking over Katie can be my obsessive thoughts, negative thinking, I either bully myself put myself down, Isolate myself because thoughts make me paranoid your all going to hurt Me. I can become a bully though too can rather say what’s going on n cause I don’t like myself be agressive shout

I do that to reject you before you can me as I struggle people in my life moment think u can take me over my trust,vulnerability,insecurity issues flood and overwhelm me

Taking over Katie is now only Katie do that

 

Ive become my best friend to understand me, learn to love n like myself, if can depend on me can learn to face the world, empower my past it not take control. Taking over Katie means Katie can now be herself now n is awake finding her feet is awake not  even though their is bad is amazing see beauty too. 

 

Their is only I taking over me n so Katie is Taking over Katie and Is probably abt time too as I know feel I’ve discovered the path ill follow taking my baby steps of Katie maintatain and be Katie as I see and choose to be x