We dont call it Suicide – A sisters perspective – Keeping Tims memory alive

On the 26th August 2016 my life as I knew it stopped, yet the world still continued to move and time did not stop, On the morning of the 26th I woke with a 101 things needed an wanted to do planned phone my sister see if she needed me go back across an see her and help sort out her housing issues, I have a big mouth an person in my family known shout and get people heard, catch up around the house , try do something fun with my son, knew I had to phone my brother Timothy check up on if he was ok as had a missed call the day before upset and pleading for help that voicemail will now forever haunt me. Even though I knew I wanted phone my brother for some reason I kept dawdling putting off when woke was telling myself will do but first Katie need sort Myles. Whilst Myles managed was having his breakfast I thought I’d take 5 have my coffee then phone Tim my mobile rang it was my Nanna’s number that came up for a moment before answering in my heart I prayed my grandad was ok as part of me thought she was phoning about him. Nothing could prepare me for me for what she said I won’t fully divulge the full details but enough just to say my brother had taken his own life, I’m not sure if was because didn’t hear her say first time or because zoned out to what she was saying or stupidly didn’t know how respond to but I had to ask her repeat what she said the first time and it was then in that moment that instant I knew my brother an best friend had gone an From that moment on life changed for a long time for me life has stopped even though is moving around past me but me for me the world stopped that day as I’ve not wanted move on nor ready to I struggle accept Tim’s gone not ready face that harsh reality an reality of why I convince myself he’s busy he’s happy but he’s ok I suppose they’re the things I like believe he has found in Heaven. I don’t view my friendships, my relationships in the same way as I used to I don’t seem bothered for idle gossip, coffee an play date catch ups and selfishly no interest in other people’s life’s as am purely focused now on protecting my own little family unit an that of my immediate family my mum, my brother, my sisters an our children I feel I owe it them play big bro and big sis and I owe it Tim to keep his memory alive. We don’t call the actions Tim took as Suicide as we see it his death could have been prevented the 21/2 years leading up to that date showed my brother’s fight for Recovery to be him again he reached out so many times asking for help us as a family did too spent many a night with him in a and e as did the local police force taking him down to be assessed but time and time again even when free from still ignored his Mental Health needs and blamed the drugs or the things he was obsessing over and paranoid about were social matters and couldn’t help yes you could because they’d took over his Mental Functioning he became tormented by a doll that he first thought was his protector but then it took hold an control it spoke to him, bullied him and controlled him to point morphed into that persona but apparently that too got overlooked he engaged with volunteering wanted go back to work, wanted a place call home, wanted feel human again most importantly he wanted be Tim again an he did fight so hard to have that but sadly he became to dependant on one key worker and probably dependant on Crypt an lighthouse his safe space became sanctuary and his bubble. Services sadly enabled that too happen they didn’t take him on their recovery bus help him with his Self Care, identify an address his triggers what to do when crisis hit an were to go when needed help but yet at crisis told him he had to ask for I used to thing they were either a) blindly ignorant orb) extremely stupid as he’s here can’t you see him he’s asking I can see, I can hear why not you. Right up until the day he died he was screaming for help I’ll never understand why when he was taken to a and e why never admitted, never understand neither why his gp only offered him coffee an biscuits you saw he was broken why didn’t you get him help. Where he was living they advertised provided crisis an respite support and will never understand why they didn’t offer him an nor will I accept that they’re not partly accountable as how can you just be private landlords if we’re he was living was under assessment an classed as a transitional home a place supporting people with needs like Tims is probably why I don’t accept is Suicide as because I know more could have been done an I know Tim I know the act he carried out he did was because most drastic the one that would get them really see he was screaming out for help also I suppose I don’t call suicide because I’m not ready accept he didn’t want to be hear no more, not ready accept he wanted to leave us and nor ready accept it was his Time. They’res loads been spoken of at the moment about suicide an zero alliance a zero attitude to suicide I kind of feel that doesn’t relate to my brother as he and the family knew the signs even told people providing Tims care what look out for an when he was in extreme distress he wasn’t a danger to others but himself, Tim also had suspected LD was a recovering addict around 12 months free of substance misuse he was also someone who ended up past from pillar to post and a vulnerable adult and was known to services an should have been supported I feel that the zero alliance is looking at suicide prevention from people that are not known so what do you do for people that are known an how do you help them an how do you help families like mine come to terms an face the harsh reality they’ve lost a loved one to suicide so for the time being ill fight for answers for him, try make Services work better to support people like him, I’ll keep his memory alive an I’ll keep campaigning more should have been done an I’ll continue shout his death was not suicide but a preventable one an ill do that for him in the hope others do not become lost and that through him others maybe found an that people like him they’re lives are made to matter an not tossed to one side an so that people like him have the oppurtunities to be a part of society, be human again but most importantly be a person as Tim he just wanted be Tim again x

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#Me Too

Their are times I don’t agree with certain social media movement #tags their are times do and #me too is one of those that do people been empowered to speak out say me too if been a victim of sexual assault or harassment. Anyone regardless of age, sex, sexuality,race,faith,disability is at risk at sometime in their live at risk off.

I have varying Mental Health Diagnosis an all of which I have no choice but self maintain because they are the result of the trauma of been a childhood sexual abuse victim it’s taken me a long time too no longer be ashamed of myself, to no longer feel dirty, to no longer hate myself, I had to learn to love myself see the good in me to be able let my family in to let them love me an me be deserving of that love an me love them back and to trust them let them be apart of my life trust they’ll protect be and be their, I tested them, pushed them away took the pain an anger I felt out on them it took them to say you scare us when you get angry but we know your hurting it’s ok was the big breakthrough needed I didn’t want no longer take my pain out on me and nor them either, I didn’t blame them.

I once got the opportunity to film a portrait of my life sadly my old trust didn’t air or broadcast but that doesn’t bother me because my mum whose also been hurt in the past got to watch and got to see and the girl on the screen me got to tell her I didn’t ever blame you an never did.

Been a victim of childhood sexual abuse continues to impact my life also does my 3 1/2 year old sons life if people pass comment about him, parents judge his behaviour and tell him off have been known turn me from calm mum to psycho mum because in my eyes I perceive as my child’s at risk from harm risk of been hurt the child abuse victim in me goes into survival self destruct and attack mode it’s not nice for me nor people around me experience and in instances I flee just scoop my son up and go but fleeing does me then a greater harm because I then internalise all the anger an frustration onto myself the childhood abuse victim inside me turns on me I’m a coward, why did you run, challenges me and can make me feel then very intimidated and in cases be paranoid and intimidated by others.

As my son gets older he’ll get used to how I am an he’ll get used see how get and he too is at risk of unnecessarily learning survival mode Behaviour I can’t help how I get nor can I help my son learning the person who hurt me though he’s too blame he preyed on me, groomed me an manipulated me destroyed me for a time an my family he’s too blame. Everytime I go into survival mode it’s because I was vulnerable, a child, I couldn’t protect myself, keep myself safe my control was took away and to an extent my abuser still has a hold on me still has some power over me.

Speaking out though gives me some control, some power, gives me strength to speak out and say Me Too and I don’t do for pity I do because I want others that maybe not yet spoken out feel that they can do too because the more people say Me Too the more control and power we can reclaim back, people that have victims can become surviviours no longer blame themselves an be ashamed.

I recently chatted with someone about my abuse they asked me because I’m a Christian does it mean I’ve to forgive my abuser an I told them no it dosent it’s ok to be rightouse about my anger towards my abuser in time I may want to work towards forgiving him but at the moment I don’t as would mean overcoming an working through that trauma an at the moment trying pretend is not their and boxing up is easier, I did tell them though I have had to work on forgiving myself an forgiving myself for the hatred had towards myself, the child abuse victim inside me has had learn to forgive me because a part inside me blamed her but she was defenceless an I see now I couldn’t prevent what happened I can just protect that part now as I do my son, I’ve had to forgive myself for blaming myself, holding myself responsible and for been ashamed of myself and even allowing myself be further sexually exploited when put myself at unnecessary risk from harm when behaved in promiscuous ways because hated myself that much.

Saying Me too and speaking out means I too can take off that burden of shame held onto and used against me an now let go off.

I hope people reading and Too been victims can find strength say Me Too as you’ll see not alone x x x Time to Take your Power Back x x

Pill shamed for not taking – You can’t really be depressed then.

Theirs been lots in the media debating the pro’s an cons of taking Medication for Depression, BBC Panorama highlighted the dangerous of an how individuals became mass murderer’s an that’s in extremities.

I suffer from a Dysthmic Disorder in layman terms a neurotic mood disorder, Depression,Anxiety, Obsessive and Compulsive Behaviours, I have complex PTSD hear voices and Dissociate.

I don’t take medication for my conditions I used to they were harmful for my physical health I ballooned to just under 19 stone was a walking zombie did not interact, engage the world passed in a blur and still I was seen as disengaging by services it wasn’t that I was disengaging but the needs completely shut of all my receptors so I couldn’t engage.

The conditions I have are the result of Childhood Abuse, Losing a Child Born Still Born and the result of been a revolving door patient on an off throughout my teens to my early thirties. The medications I were on varied from Anti-Deppresant’s, Mood Stabilizer’s, Anti-Psychotics, Relaxant’s and Sleeping Pills. The medications just sedated my so called behaviours to me their now just my traits be it survival, be it instinct, be it my defensive mechanisms. Dissociation at times though can be a pain when things in my locked box want to surface as that hits when am at my most vulnerable an most risk and I’ve just to ride it out.

It’s been hard not been on medication and not easy but I try face each day as I can medication will only plaster over the scars of my past, therapy can help me address but the unstable emotions and how I handle things they’re what I’ve to learn to address, I recently nearly ended up back on medication I struggled with coping with my brother’s passing thought long an hard and in my heart knew wrong as it may take the pain away numb it but eventually have to face it and so may as well fight may way through it now but also the anger side of my cptsd has come in handy as I’m using that part of my grieve to fight for him wished did more when he was alive, also if agreed go back on the slow cocktail of men’s would build up again I’d be talked into needing more for different things and different behaviours an probably extra Dx and my son he needs me, he needs me to be strong for him be brave for him most importantly be alert and functioning and be all he needs so as hard as the days are I throw myself into It theirs days I feel mentally drained, exhausted, on edge, thoughts scrambling but for my son I attack each day, I also do for my family, I do for my brother too as he so wanted overcome his past.

Medication can help mask things and give me a rest from but in the end they’ll stop me from seeing the beauty in the world even though theirs too sadness in it, the voice i thought so hard to re-find would too agin be lost and one thing I’ll always tell my son fight for what you want well if I’m not living it he can’t practice it.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy theirs days when I can just drag myself up ready, Myles though he’s always immaculate, theirs days I’ve snapped my anger lids burst an that’s not been good for person who got brunt off, theirs days I have just crumbled just broke look liked a car wreck and all around gets to much and times to preserve myself I’ve to shut out the world keep my bubble to myself .

I’m not telling people to stop taking mess nor if they help you to stop believing that they don’t an to stop.

I’m asking that as I respect medications for you please respect though it’s not for me an in fact has been life altering an harmful an I don’t want that for me, I also need you to respect that just because I say no also does not mean I don’t have my conditions an my experiences an opinions like well you can’t be that bad if you don’t take because I can be.

The brave face people see is just a mask as if accepted people a) don’t get or understand me so I give up trying explain, b) if I don’t try I give up an where does that leave my son an family and c) if I go on meds the world will be shut out again.

If their was better monitoring of my help, safeguards an provisions that stopped me going on more an more mess then maybe, but I know for me I have to address my pain be it therapy, be it pretending life’s ok or be it writing my blog like now, I’m exploring having faith in my life that’s been a challenge an battle of perseverance, I throw myself into soft play just as much as Myles an that s my anger energy, we do crafts, go for walks we play the child in me likes that as that’s reminded sometimes life is good, being an activist for awhile was hard but then I missed it so am slowly going to re-dip my toes in the water and look to do again as my heart an a part within me missed that an so listening to myself keeps me going.

I suppose because I didn’t feel listened too an knowing my brother wasn’t listened to is why I’ll always shy away from medication in time that may change I’ve to meet that one person who will listen and give me the perfect care package so till then I’ve just got to listen to myself.

Whilst I do that though please don’t shame me an belittle my depression, my pain just as I don’t pill-shame you an vocalise the drugs are bad. It is these debates that create divides in the mh community an we need to be supporting each other and each getting the support that works it’s time focus on getting it right for everyone as at present services aren’t working and we need to work together to get that so let’s #endthepillsdebate.

Say no to Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder

How do you help someone have hope an believe in themselves when they have been wrote of with a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Anti- Social Personality Disorder is defined as sometimes been called Sociopathy, a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right or wrong, ignores the feelings of others, People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonise, manipulate, treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no remorse for their Behaviour.

(Taken from NHS Choices)

Doesn’t make nice reading,, Does not look like a. Dx that someone would get support an help for, Dose not inspire hope for a shot at recovery nor Does it ask the important why an individual may be this way, what factors have contributed to, what’s happened in certain situations, Does not take into consideration an individual may have an Alternative Personality or Part and what if it’s the part that’s the anti-social and not the individuals themselves is it then helpful to give that person a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I’d go with a big fat no because you then exclude that person from the right help an support because the Dx gets people wrote off.,

My brother Timothy in his notes had this listed he did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder he himself wasn’t the things highlighted above. Timothy until became Mentally unwell was hard-working, would help anybody out, do anything for anyone this was what sometimes got him then into trouble he’d accept responsibility for other people’s behaviour and actions that to me showed he understood right an wrong if he could do that, My brother Tim nor was manipulative or treat others harshly, Tim was a protector, a supporter, a friend and amazing big brother, when my son was first born he waited in Leeds city centre after finishing work 6 hours to see his nephew and god son for visiting hours to start because he so desperately wanted see him, my sister who has MS her 2nd child was born on the toilet he was their with my mum on hand to help my mum help look after both my sister an baby and get sorted the ambulance to have them rushed to be checked out doesn’t sound like a sociopath does it, In 2002 I lost a child the day after my little girls passing he was their by my side supporting me through my pain doesn’t sound like someone does he that doesn’t care for others or have no feelings for does it you could probably safely say Timothy did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Timothy wasn’t perfect nor was he bad he was at times easily manipulated himself and yes easily influenced and yes unfortunately did take drugs but Timothy did not grow up in a perfect background, perfect home, it was far from growing up his childhood was more survival based but that’s for another Time. Also growing up with a father as an Alcoholic probably played a factor in why turned to drugs but that too is a separate debate but also a factor consider, I hate saying too both my brother an I were susceptible to MH as was on our Fathers side of the family and traumas in our lives an how we dealt with led to us both be affected by.

In June/July 2013 my brother Tim went missing an in that time something happened we don’t know what an the Timothy that was found was not Timothy, Timothy had become Dennis, Dennis was not just a doll that he started carrying about, Dennis could be described as the above person the person with the Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Dennis made Tim a danger to himself, Dennis was never an issues Services addressed, took into consideration, Dennis was a part, the voice inside tims head, Dennis had took hold of the individual the person, Timothy. We tried to get services to get help regarding the Dennis part acknowledge it address the voices, address that Tim was Tim no more get him therapy but it was never addressed or acknowledge yet recorded in his notes. We as a family always told Services an his key worker did too when Tim mentions Dennis he’s a risk to himself not other’s not addressing Dennis enabled it to take over Tim so why he never stood a fighting chance.

Tim did try recover, regain control attended Hollybush, Lighthouse, George’s Crypt they describe Tim as Tim was but with a Doll in his man bag, they described him as friendly, helpful, loved getting involved in his art, doing jobs and too was quite liked at times just blend into the group or sit in the corner read his paper. Following his Facebook posts, seeing him at mums he was alive Tim again always tried getting us go down £1 dinner, Robynn would love the gardens were he’d been helping at the kids would enjoy too, This does not sound like someone who was manipulative, dangerous, did not know right from wrong, his worry though about moving from were he was to somewhere new he worried he’d fall through cracks an yes sadly it came true,

A diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality Disorder shut doors to Assessments for Psychological Therapy, Referal to see if he had a Dissociative Identity i.e Dennis, recommendations for Hearing Voices groups, recovery focused groups, shut the door to referral to a rehab and recovery unit to address all his needs, and why so many other assessments never got done, why plans became out dated and why became dependent on the few people who tried.

If you go back an look at how NHS Choices Defines Anti-Social Personality Disorder reflect on how it’s defined what stands out for me Sociopath, Manipulative, not knowing right from wrong sounds like they’re dangerous a risk to others and individuals do get made to feel that imagine if the Dx was wrong and the implications it then will have on a person surely then that has a detrimental impact an potential human right breach when impacts on their lives an sadly that does happen since losing Tim I’ve met people he met on his journey an seen how impacted them an too those people I would say did not have because they’ve carried me through my storm an been a support, a friend and I’m streetwise and an abuse survivour too and have a 6th sense who’s ok an who’s not.

Ask yourself if you saw Anti-Social Personality Disorder on someone’s notes how would you see them, treat them, what help you would give them, if they were at crisis would you realise that help them if they’re not ok, would you even help them but more importantly how you view the Dx and would that influence you.

Antisocial personality disorder potentially labels people off Antisocial personality Disorder should really only be used in extreme cases and as a last resort when gone through every other assessment an diagnosis an no interventions have an impact.

I’m only someone who’s lived experience, I’m someone who was someone’s sister an know am friends with people who have the Dx an if I can see is a harmful Dx one that does not in anyway inspire hope, recovery, regain an control then sureley you should too and turn your back on Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder an try look for an Alternative too.

More lives will be saved as a result, More individuals will be better supported, No one will fall through the cracks an be turned away for help.

Love Anxiety and the power of ” I partially love you ” my take on my anxiety for mental health awareness week this week.

This week is mental health awareness week the theme is Anxiety. This  week you will probably hear about many different ways Anxiety affects each individual differently and it’s impact can have massive implications for an individual and those around them. 

So here’s my take on how anxiety has impacted me and that is the anxiety I get when I fall in love or know someone’s fallen in love with me. 

Ive always struggled to accept I was lovesble, I’ve always seen myself as damaged goods, I’ve always thought someone loving me was dangerous, something bad would happen, I would be hurt or something bad would happen to me or I’d be punished or lose something I do hold dear.  To me that was due to been an abuse victim an also I suffered the loss of my daughter the first person I ever loved n me losing that led to my fear of love intensifying n into a full blown anxiety of and an ability have n moment I felt in love or loved meant I spiralled out of control n the anxiety my self saboteur. 

I in the past have have had to be the dominant person in a relationship, in control, need meets met, reassurances n times cared for if not I struggled n anxiety takes over it made me panic, worry, neurotic be self destructive push people away through how I was I’d go from miss nice to miss nasty, I couldn’t tell people I was trying push them away because I was scared, panicking inside, feeling overwhelmed things out of control n because in love n afraid of n not ready for n needed me control things. 

If I didn’t get or couldn’t have control, I couldn’t say what going on inside so I would either shut off, withdraw close myself off, turn myself off so didn’t feel anything n led to my anxiety n inability  be happy is part of my anxiety fear of love, that caused me spiral be demotivated n spiral from the anxiety to depression n times impacted that much I spiralled into having years of on n off chronic n enduring mental health. 

To try try protect myself at times n cope I’d become argumentative n find a person weak spot n target because I felt vulnerable n exposed n afraid n that made me heightened n I couldn’t have people see that or know that least of all person I was in love with or felt loved by I couldn’t let them see I was exposed n in love too for I feared its implications something bad will happen to me, love wasn’t good for me or healthy n damaging. So I would be cruel to the person who loved me n in turn thing turned people to hate me couldn’t have them love me pity I just couldn’t say what going on. 

Here’s an insight into just a snippet of how my anxiety impacted on someone who loved me.

By being like that my anxiety damaged people in my past who didn’t deserve. Marybeth’s dad n I no longer speak after losing our daughter I feared lose him, rejected him, told him her loss his fault I broke his spirit n heart because I too felt that told myself wasn’t good enough I lost our love I feared lose him if loved him I drove him away to point he rejected me. I think in my mind I needed him let me go I thing I thought I was protecting him from harm. 

 

I hope that he’s in love now n happy, I hope he’s found what we should have had love happy n settled n I hope he’s loved n feels that too I hope he’s respected n valued most importantly doesn’t feel damaged or at fault for anything. 

I tried do relationships for a time my anxiety destroyed quite a few to a time when starting my recovery I accepted I had a fear and anxiety n not ready for love n had learn to feel happy n me learn it ok for me to love me let alone anyone else. 

Strangely though I know am in love and a mum I still struggle with my fear an anxiety. 

I never meant to fall in love with my know oh tried keep him at arms length did tell him if thought I was developing feelings or he me I would find a way reject him an push him away and I did n do try I’d find faults n arguments but he knew I was doing n he’d address n we’d work through we learned power of communicating n be friends, by how he is with me n him been laid back in his way has helped me not need feel need control n because too how he was n their for me when really mattered n didn’t let me have control n felt better he handle something made me realise was safe to feel ok n be in love n seeing him hold our child first time I realised it ok me be happy n in love n rather than reject that n fear i actually try now protect it n helps with my anxiety of losing n having love I don’t want reject my oh or son n know I have fear of losing them but know I want protect them, ensure they happy n loved, 

my oh he says I partially love you, that’s helped me learn it ok hear someone say I love you n let someone in to love me, I can do I partially love you n feel ok n safe n happy hear, I know in my heart I love him n he love me n ” I partially love you” means so much n does wonders when trying have something that your afraid of n the power of partially love you has helped me find n have love n be in n nothing happened yet I’m ok n my fam ok. 

 

When people talked about n raised awareness of anxiety this week I wanted share my insight n how impacted me n those who love me n tried to.

 

Sharing my fears was Surestart Ok.

Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did. 

 

Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though. 

On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me” 

when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”

walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not  know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you” 

I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one. 

I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that. 

Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours  n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.

Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me. 

There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill

theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too. 

If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought. 

 

Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x 

What’s to forgive I did no wrong, nor I Special or Mentally Unwell.

Recovery is all about Forgiveness, Forgive myself for what. Life Dealt me a tough hand am I too forgive Life why it not Life’s Fault another persons actions. It’s not Life’s Fault either Marybeth wasn’t to stay just meant for me to feel her an me be her Mum Is it lives fault for how it made me react or need find and heal myself or even find ways understand come to terms with accept the journey 4 what it means to me some good some not so good do I need Forgive myself for that no I need be my bf which am kind, compassionate, sometimes critical my anger can be a help/hinderance but that anger is what fuels me n me challenge me no longer a victim,service user just Katie Siobhan who strives be all can be. forgiveness who’s their to forgive not me, not society or life, Forgiveness is a term I don’t adhere to the ID or Ego and it’s conflicts n superiority or special been afflicted and illness a gift Im not unwell nor was nor do my experience make me special or need forgive myself for as none of that adheres to me nor ever will. I recently too went to a meeting discuss forgiveness theirs one person I would say unforgivable the person who stole my life by their actions that’s all no one else. But to forgive me, or anything else is not just service to me. Me be my best friend my own champion yes learn to move away from, be caring n compassionate to myself n appreciate the good I have whilst have as after all life changes day by day. Learn to  laugh, smile,cry, challenge myself more n face n overcome life’s changes n been angry at life society n change weres it get me nowhere so my anger has a name the one that’s the fire in my belly that’s my spirit,the fire the drive n me strive be all can be n day by day will get their but will get their on not forgiving myself or life but caring 4 me n been compassionate been my friend as falling out with myself n need forgive myself not really good way look at 4 me but just been nice to Katie then that’s all i need.