Christmas Past and Christmas Present n tomorrow Christmas of the future.

This Christmas will probably be the most nerve wracking, rollercoaster of a ride but too probably be the most healing as potentially a door closes to allow a new one open a new I thought never have. 

Christmas of the past led me to fear Christmas, not get happy or excited about I wasn’t bah humbug just felt bah nothing. I never understood a festive spirit Id only experienced a dark n miserable time. So in end I’d dread Christmas n I’d crash, sadness, anger, heartache, my black dark cloud boom took over n I’d snowball into oblivion. 

I look back on past Christmas now yes with tears of sadness but too tears of sadness 4 that part of me n hope somewhere inside they too experience the newlife  N new side n new journey be had. 

When I look back on past childhood Christmas I have great love n admiration my mum but too I kinda get why she has the bah nothin feel for Christmas she’s experienced great grieve n bereavement her Grandad n too so have I in loss of a daughter my mums Grandad would have made my Mums Christmas as I too my daughters. 

My mum too suffered heartache, pain n her own negative treatment n abuse n to this day does just from another abuser/abusers I call them bullies or cowards n wished they took a real long hard look at themselves n the green eyed monster that makes them feel way do n when pass comment it’s always been mum n her kids please see why n then ask would u still be same n so my Christmas wish this year goes to her n in new year she is left alone n can find her own happiness her past closes n allowed to open a new. 

At Christmas time as a Child I suffered abuse but too my mum I witnessed her suffer n spent a few Christmas finding somewhere safe too go n refuge n one practically walking the streets, I saw her try make Christmas for us put on a face that Christmas n wishes n spirit I saw her try salvage n put back together trashed rooms n tress n worked hard try give us a good Christmas n still smile n inside her heart crushed. Id hear her cry to Unchained Melody n ask herself why, what’s point what had she done wrong it used break my heart did that. 

I used to believe in Christmas n ever afters n chased that dream thing mum inside still does but Fears too as not ever had n till sees prob won’t believe in think I at one point the year n Christmas sectioned was due finally give up on. 

This Christmas however is a new dawn for me I close the door on Christmas of sadness n pain I have my Christmas miracle my Son, I have someone who too we have our moments their 4 us n loves n protects us n I know tomorrow’s Christmas will be a happy time as I can have the happy family time tresses n through having my son ill Open door to Christmas door off finding a believe in again. 

At Christmas my hearts n thoughts will be with those who have lost someone, childhood and adult victims of abuse n too those who lost n n wandering n hope find refuge n comfort n some joy and too all those in pain n suffering n engulfed in darkness n sadness I too hope that door closes 4 u as I too hope does 4 my mum. 

At Christmas I too feel proud of those who will open n give up their time be their 4 those who need like the Samaritans, NSPCC, Childline, Cruise, Crisis, Shelters, places offer refuge n a place gomi women centres n charities like healthy minds who support people move on too. 

This Christmas ill shed a sad tear as I say goodbye to Christmas heartache n smile at my son n Adam n thank my daughter my Xmas star 4 shutting the door n giving me my Christmas wish 

my own family n new beginning n one thing thought never have a chance have ever after n a world only dreamed have n Christmas spirit

i wish next year my mum gets that too x 

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More hurt in me than realised

Today I had a counselling session at Sure Start my first one. 

My heart is more broken n hurting than thought. I too realised I dont like how thats made me. 

I don’t want to allow myself become how have been in past I don’t want anger, bitterness n hurt consume me as don’t like how when consume me I take those feelings and emotions and take out on those who have only loved n cared for me n never hurt me but because I’m scared let them in n close to me will expose my vulnerability if I let them in n love n care for me as fear will hurt me like have been in the past so I push them away I become the abuser I hurt those with my words n anger. 

I was asked would I like say sorry to those I would but scared, scared would they tell me how hurt they were, that I’m nasty evil n cruel n ashamed someone once love treat them like that, scared if see ill feel the hurt caused them n didnt deserve n feel ashamed. I too don’t think right apologise until stop that pattern as when say sorry want mean n no longer do. too.

i can’t change my past or how has made me but I’m scared I can’t change how treat people go forward.

Only time will tell n as I learn abt why my hearts broken n hurting will I learn a new way of thinking n learn that I don’t want me be a person that hurts others as I know what it’s like be abused n hurt.

To my inner me, little Katie I am Sorry

To my inner me, little Katie I am sorry, 

Im sorry I didn’t protect you from harm

I’m sorry I didn’t have a voice back then sorry I didn’t say No this is wrong, Sorry I didn’t know it was wrong sorry by time did didnt speak out soon enough n yelled loud enough sorry the person who harmed you still walks the streets n didn’t get the sentence he should. 

Im sorry I’ve banished you somewhere, I’m sorry I hated you, Sorry I tried to deny you were part of me Sorry I blamed you Sorry I felt disgusted and ashamed by you, Sorry I couldn’t see you were not at fault, 

Im sorry I’ve lost that part of you, the child in me I’m sorry that part of you was robbed n a part of me can not recreate with a snapshot memory or experience, I’m sorry I never got to experience you and Katie been a child. 

Im sorry I hated you, sorry I punished you more n caused you harm by bullying u when u try resurface, I’m sorry I tried to cut u out, attack myself n try poison myself to get at you. I’m sorry because I envied you as even though suffered harm was still able to be vulnerable something I want feel but can’t. 

Im sorry when u tried resurface, I flashback, I feel u in me i try block out the fuzzing the entity of u inside trying to help me heal n move on I’m sorry I saw you as a disease a condition a damaged brain you were none just a damaged child within. 

Im sorry now I’m going to be a mum I couldn’t be mum to us, I’m sorry we lost our childhood, I’m sorry Katie for our childhood been robbed to Katie I am sorry I lost our inner child n chance be too. 

I Katie I am sorry to the abused child that I was and have lost somewhere inside myself.