Finding a way saying goodbye losing my brother to a preventable suicide

I lost my brother to a preventable suicide he fell through the cracks systemic failures by the trust an social care team under and the supported housing team were he lived. It’s the worst way to lose someone you can never prepare for, comprehend an understand why. I lost a baby born still born in 2002 I knew she was to be born stillborn due to severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus I knew as she took her last breath I’d hold her in my arms I’d kiss her on the head and I’d say goodbye, I lost my Grandad back in February 2017 I called in on the Morning of the Day he died to the hospital the Doctor told me that day when my Nanna came in they’d be stopping his medicine, taking his oxygen away he was getting put on an end of life Pathway, I went up to my mums saw my nanna an held her told her prepare for worst, I went to lighthouse academy my friends held me up, prayed with me I was preparing say goodbye. That night I went back to the hospital treatment had been stopped, as many family members as could were contacted, notified mad dashes to the hospital, he was surrounded by family held he was not in pain nor alone I got to say goodbye even though I wasn’t ready. Nothing can prepare you when you lose a loved one to Suicide because you can’t see it coming, you don’t expect if you knew or had a chance you’ld do everything in your power to stop from happening. This week I read in our legal teams argument for Article 2 systemic failings led to the events of my brother’s preventable suicide , I read that my brother had already passed when the paramedics got too him and probably had been a no of hours it breaks my heart to know he was lost, alone an in his final hours an until found had died that way. I wasn’t their to hold him, my mum didn’t get hold him even though an adult was her baby she did didn’t get that chance like I did with my baby somehow prepare an be their and like with grandad we knew we all surrounded wrapped round him he’ll have felt an known was loved I hate the feeling that losing my brother to a preventable suicide has done I hate knowing he may have felt unloved, unworthy, uncared for because he was. Losing a loved one to suicide is not only their lives lost but also part of you, your family dies too it feels strange, unnatural, not right, it’s broken, fractured, damaged your heart, the heart of your family dies too you get swamped into a dark hole, dark skies descend over all you know, life, joy gets zapped from you. I hate that I didn’t know, didn’t get chance stop, didnt get hold my hand out pull him back, I hate that I didn’t get say goodbye I hate that I don’t get angry at him, I hate that I can’t ask him why, I hate that I can’t bring myself to hate those who failed him, I hate I don’t have an axe to grind I hate that I want to give them a chance to learn lessons from his death I hate it’s been me, my family who held out that olive branch and I hate that they’re reluctant too take I hate that I can’t hate them want give them a chance I don’t understand why because they robbed me of my brother, my best friend , I want scream, yell call them murderers because of their systemic failings but I can’t because I know he deserves more, I know I’ve to give those a chance who failed him, I’ve to fight the legal system for article 2 to make his life matter, his memory, his life be remembered, he be remembered as someone who deserved help, be supported, cared for, a life worth saving and him not be just another life sadly lost to suicide, him not be a statitistic because he was worth more than that. Losing a loved one sadly to a preventable suicide flips your world upside down an know all can do is try make sense off and fit the jigsaw puzzle pieces together that led to that day to understand why and then with that completed puzzle find a way grieve, mourn say goodbye an try prevent someone else from sadly taking their live, give those that failed ideas to come up with pathways, measures to build safety nets to try ensure dosent happen again, I don’t have anyone can go to that can talk to about so I share my feelings here in my blog I know people struggle to talk to you about, ask how help, I know because I struggle with too. I hope that people reading who are in same place my brother was would contact me so I can help you so you don’t do what my brother did as you are worth more than that, for those that have lost a loved one to suicide to feel free contact me you are not alone it may feel it but I know the pain you feeling I feel it too, to Services, councils, NHS trusts social care providers that want make a difference to people affected by addiction, mental health and homelessness and put mental health on their patient safety strategies or looking at suicide prevention of people society turns their back on we’re culture around people with combined needs or are seen as unsafeable or attitudes around personality disorders needs challenging or your pathways not inclusive your not getting everyone on one or you need improve your community contact me if you genuinely want learn knock on my door because like I said lives like my brother’s matter let’s work together an make a difference I can’t bring him back but his memory, story can help save life’s.

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Child’s Play building a relationship with Dad through Myles

Today Dad I saw you again, brought Myles with Me, Myles has seen you know twice he knows your his Grandad he loved playing his games with you today an only wanted play them with you he dosent know the you from the past nor care about or need know to him building a relationship with you is easy, child’s play he gets to know you for the now, the hear, the present to him it’s like you’ve always been their even though it only twice he does not get anxious or panic an worry about what we’ll talk about or say, will it feel strange or awkward dosent need pray for Gods intervention an be on our side as we pray an build a new relationship, wish I could follow Myles lead an attitude not let fear or the past get in the way because your are different to the Dad I Knew and used be, I know that the Drink stopped you from being the Dad I wanted you be and I can’t keep partly holding you responsible for things that went on in my life because when do that will stop us moving forward also Drink was the poison not you and wasn’t your personally that was not their it was the Drink that took you away. It was nice to watch Myles and you play it made it easier to chat an talk as you did, it felt normal like an everyday afternoon of a daughter an her son visiting Grandad and pleased went like that, I’m pleased Myles too taken to you wants be around you, see you play with you and feels safe an loves you automatically because your his Grandad and he’s a good judge of character too an today was nice follow Myles lead and attitude and the foundations an building blocks of our relationship be built on the today’s an the tommorows the moments have an can plan have, build how a child would build a relationship one free of guilt and judgement an one of love an innocence an natural care free approach to its strange a four year old been a mediator, the bridge of the gap and not realise they are but that’s the magic I suppose of been a child and child’s play as to them it’s easy, simple they don’t see ifs, buts, whys an the what ifs to them theirs no process navigate, mediate an weigh up an assess. The quiet an awkward moments were their but only briefly Myles he as soon as felt that was loud look at me an so snap out off. I hope our relationship continues to grow an Too flourish we’re still in the very early days taking baby steps so since doing that will build up like child’s play now so that we grow, we develop, we’re strong an when stumble as toddle jump back up an brush down for its time to take that journey, that walk those baby steps here’s to having a child like, childs play attitude and thank you to both you and Myles for today as it’s time I had my Dad back in my life and looking forward to our journey now an we’re will lead us too x x x x

Depression

Depression is horrible it’s a debilitating disease that squeases the life out of you keeps you trapped in the darkest places of your mind, takes the spirit an life out of everyday moments, in extreme cases murders those you love forces an pushes them into doing something stupid wreckless as they fight try find away out, Depression is like a prison sentence when things not too bad you get time out from like good behaviour but then smack something happens your hurled back into that darkened cell in the back of your head trapped , surrounded engulfed by misery, pain, desperation, inability cope, intense anger as you struggle and fight through. Depression isn’t just an invisible one but it’s a lonely one too people can’t see depression nor do people want or try see. People don’t spot when friends or family disappear become distant and you drop of the radar don’t stop by and ask are you ok, People don’t see past the charade the pretence that everything’s ok , people don’t see the bags under your eyes , don’t see the pain an fatique of the weight of the world crushing down on you theirs no hand of support their to help you up, no one their to lighten the load, Depression is a tormentor abuser it plays with your mind construes your thoughts makes you paranoid throws you into a spin cycle of thoughts that take over an drain you and drench’s you. Depression people don’t see nor understand people don’t get depressed your expected snap out of, move on so you pretend , you act you paint a fake picture alls ok still whilst slowly fading away into the distance life stopping for you but continually moves forwards for others you stumble n trip and sink trying keep up and I understand now why some give up because it’s tough it can get too much to keep on battling, keep on fighting, keep on trying for me I have no choice try battle an fight through because depression to is a curse it dosent disappear when you go you wherever maybe, maybe free but those you leave behind they struggle see, understand carry the weight off and depression sneakily sneaks in whilst their vulnerable and off guard it’s how it’s snuck in for me this time round pain and grief and anger at losing a loved one to a preventable suicide shrouded and engulfed me and has me trapped and I wouldn’t want pass that curse on so I’ll battle an fight with it I’ve beat it once I’ll try beat it once more the child snoozing next to me oblivious am awake at daft o’clock in the morning needs me to he’s to young to understand and see but to a point knows his Mummy’s been sad and when she’s upset thinks is his fault an asks Mummy are you my friend, the guilt of having depression then engulfs you don’t want your child seeing or sensing or feeling that so when they can’t see you try process an unravel the pain your feeling and untangle the mess inside your head be good have a pause button take a rest an break from but it’s depression it dosent make life easy. I can choose to live in hope though and hope I find away fight through and that I break through the prison of can get a hold off an my life back on track, can try find solutions, plans break through the core that’s keeping me trapped only you that is trapped by depression can break free from because people don’t see those chains wrapped round you an can’t pass you the key to release you from to all those that are battling with though we see and hopefully by speaking about people will start to see an start to help remove the chains that have kept us held and dragged back but until then know you are not alone we all at some point or time wrestle with an battle with an so you are not alone in your fight with x x x x x

#Me Too

Their are times I don’t agree with certain social media movement #tags their are times do and #me too is one of those that do people been empowered to speak out say me too if been a victim of sexual assault or harassment. Anyone regardless of age, sex, sexuality,race,faith,disability is at risk at sometime in their live at risk off.

I have varying Mental Health Diagnosis an all of which I have no choice but self maintain because they are the result of the trauma of been a childhood sexual abuse victim it’s taken me a long time too no longer be ashamed of myself, to no longer feel dirty, to no longer hate myself, I had to learn to love myself see the good in me to be able let my family in to let them love me an me be deserving of that love an me love them back and to trust them let them be apart of my life trust they’ll protect be and be their, I tested them, pushed them away took the pain an anger I felt out on them it took them to say you scare us when you get angry but we know your hurting it’s ok was the big breakthrough needed I didn’t want no longer take my pain out on me and nor them either, I didn’t blame them.

I once got the opportunity to film a portrait of my life sadly my old trust didn’t air or broadcast but that doesn’t bother me because my mum whose also been hurt in the past got to watch and got to see and the girl on the screen me got to tell her I didn’t ever blame you an never did.

Been a victim of childhood sexual abuse continues to impact my life also does my 3 1/2 year old sons life if people pass comment about him, parents judge his behaviour and tell him off have been known turn me from calm mum to psycho mum because in my eyes I perceive as my child’s at risk from harm risk of been hurt the child abuse victim in me goes into survival self destruct and attack mode it’s not nice for me nor people around me experience and in instances I flee just scoop my son up and go but fleeing does me then a greater harm because I then internalise all the anger an frustration onto myself the childhood abuse victim inside me turns on me I’m a coward, why did you run, challenges me and can make me feel then very intimidated and in cases be paranoid and intimidated by others.

As my son gets older he’ll get used to how I am an he’ll get used see how get and he too is at risk of unnecessarily learning survival mode Behaviour I can’t help how I get nor can I help my son learning the person who hurt me though he’s too blame he preyed on me, groomed me an manipulated me destroyed me for a time an my family he’s too blame. Everytime I go into survival mode it’s because I was vulnerable, a child, I couldn’t protect myself, keep myself safe my control was took away and to an extent my abuser still has a hold on me still has some power over me.

Speaking out though gives me some control, some power, gives me strength to speak out and say Me Too and I don’t do for pity I do because I want others that maybe not yet spoken out feel that they can do too because the more people say Me Too the more control and power we can reclaim back, people that have victims can become surviviours no longer blame themselves an be ashamed.

I recently chatted with someone about my abuse they asked me because I’m a Christian does it mean I’ve to forgive my abuser an I told them no it dosent it’s ok to be rightouse about my anger towards my abuser in time I may want to work towards forgiving him but at the moment I don’t as would mean overcoming an working through that trauma an at the moment trying pretend is not their and boxing up is easier, I did tell them though I have had to work on forgiving myself an forgiving myself for the hatred had towards myself, the child abuse victim inside me has had learn to forgive me because a part inside me blamed her but she was defenceless an I see now I couldn’t prevent what happened I can just protect that part now as I do my son, I’ve had to forgive myself for blaming myself, holding myself responsible and for been ashamed of myself and even allowing myself be further sexually exploited when put myself at unnecessary risk from harm when behaved in promiscuous ways because hated myself that much.

Saying Me too and speaking out means I too can take off that burden of shame held onto and used against me an now let go off.

I hope people reading and Too been victims can find strength say Me Too as you’ll see not alone x x x Time to Take your Power Back x x

Exhibiting your Bench A piece to remember you by Art for Recovery Exhibit 2016 x

Today on my Facebook Timehop the pictures of your bench been exhibited at Leeds Art for Recovery Event popped up Tim, I remember during the time my grief felt raw an after I’d got to know Gary, Jon Swales an met your friend Kim at St George’s Crypt and the love she had for you an the journey you were on I knew as a family we had to honour that, recognise that an even say sorry that we didn’t take time see the Recovery Journey you were on, You were quiet, You loved helping make beds up in Crypt, helping out in the kitchen been one of the team, You too enjoyed blending in to the surroundings have a cuppa, meal read your paper you felt safe, welcomed even at home, we met Joe he told us what a good lad you were, wiped away my tears when the guilt hit why didn’t I get see this Tim, We heard all about TCV, Hollybush on clearing your things from that place you didn’t feel home or safe we found the files you kept certificates for various recovery courses, and your pride an Joy the Bench you’ld been working on it was beautiful. We got your Bench finished off a plaque put on, We framed some of your certificates sat them on the bench placed a cushion underneath to kneel on it would be a place sit an remember you by. I remember in my pain also feel excited about exhibiting for you, was nervous too, I remember anticipation Gary finding out if we could exhibit as subject was art for recovery and relief when said ok, I remember when I emailed your bench’s submission. A place to remember you by it honoured your journey, your fight for recovery an would now be a place we’d sit at talk to you as we worked through the devastation of your loss. I remember the day Gary collected for Mum’s I was nervous, prayed be safe in storage, be safe in transit hope people saw our sadness an pain but also our Joy for you, I hoped you’ld be watching down from heaven an beaming our Katie did good and she’s seen I did good too an hope you were smiling because you were an artist an one that was in recovery you were beating your addictions, you were giving something thing back, been a friend you were working your way back up, your Bench, your certificates they demonstrated that I just wished you were their with us as we celebrated and honoured that, I remember the day the exhibit arrived I was nervous, panicked an again excited worried would get their in time. Relieved my friend Gary from church was taking me across from Bradford to Leeds think in the car on the way over talked his head off don’t think he minded though, was lovely see my friend Sue from Church their too. I remember awaiting mum, Nat an Jay arrive was getting nervous would they make in time, also really wanted see your exhibit first before opened up to everyone but remember had wait whilst judging finished hoped they’d got your piece would see the love we had for you. I remember they opened up the exhibit their was a circus themed piece one were put heads in gaps an pic below pictured us do that, by your Bench their was a statue of a deer or horse facing your exhibit if you’ld have been their you’ld have attempted ride it, bargain for it probably would have found away have exhibited at home. I remember seeing your exhibit tucked in the corner , remember sitting an chatting with you couldn’t wait mum, nat an jay get their show them your spot when they came in their sadness an pain they were sombre nat had go early she’d let the guilt overwhelm her in wishing we’d seen your journey sooner and you should have been their wish I’d told her you wouldn’t want see her sad an you knew in your heart we were their and you understood, I wish could have told her felt same an that in away hoping entering your exhibit said that. I however though didn’t chase after her as thought would then be running out on you, your exhibit, your memory. I remember stood awaiting judging your category came up it didn’t win I felt crushed thought why didn’t they see the love for your journey your memory and felt sad for mum wanted floor swallow me up but then one of the judges said they had a prize for someone that epitomised why they were their, the reason why they put the exhibit on for, for the journey of recovery and you won the overall prize I wanted jump up and down scream yes you did it and know yes it was recognised, I remember showing you your certificate, your trophy an telling you wow you did it, I chatted to a few of the fellow artists remember mum n Gary an one of his colleagues an our jay stood chatting by your Bench an about you we all laughed and had same thought about the horse statue an in that moment I looked an smiled at your Bench because their we all were surrounding you an remembering you by. Your trophy know stands by your casket at Mums an your Bench has a place in my bedroom with your certificates on an your best shoes an cushions underneath like have a piece of you too at home with me and each night I tell you I miss you, I love you remind Myles it’s your Bench not his and laugh because your Bench really has become that place, that spot, that piece I will always have remember you by and I laugh because I know your laughing at the sentiment an I know you now know we were proud hope that when I talk to you, you look down and sit beside me and that your with me as I know begin recover from the pain of your passing, I love you forever an not a day goes by don’t miss you, I love you Tim.

Say no to Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder

How do you help someone have hope an believe in themselves when they have been wrote of with a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Anti- Social Personality Disorder is defined as sometimes been called Sociopathy, a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right or wrong, ignores the feelings of others, People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonise, manipulate, treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no remorse for their Behaviour.

(Taken from NHS Choices)

Doesn’t make nice reading,, Does not look like a. Dx that someone would get support an help for, Dose not inspire hope for a shot at recovery nor Does it ask the important why an individual may be this way, what factors have contributed to, what’s happened in certain situations, Does not take into consideration an individual may have an Alternative Personality or Part and what if it’s the part that’s the anti-social and not the individuals themselves is it then helpful to give that person a Dx of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I’d go with a big fat no because you then exclude that person from the right help an support because the Dx gets people wrote off.,

My brother Timothy in his notes had this listed he did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder he himself wasn’t the things highlighted above. Timothy until became Mentally unwell was hard-working, would help anybody out, do anything for anyone this was what sometimes got him then into trouble he’d accept responsibility for other people’s behaviour and actions that to me showed he understood right an wrong if he could do that, My brother Tim nor was manipulative or treat others harshly, Tim was a protector, a supporter, a friend and amazing big brother, when my son was first born he waited in Leeds city centre after finishing work 6 hours to see his nephew and god son for visiting hours to start because he so desperately wanted see him, my sister who has MS her 2nd child was born on the toilet he was their with my mum on hand to help my mum help look after both my sister an baby and get sorted the ambulance to have them rushed to be checked out doesn’t sound like a sociopath does it, In 2002 I lost a child the day after my little girls passing he was their by my side supporting me through my pain doesn’t sound like someone does he that doesn’t care for others or have no feelings for does it you could probably safely say Timothy did not have Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Timothy wasn’t perfect nor was he bad he was at times easily manipulated himself and yes easily influenced and yes unfortunately did take drugs but Timothy did not grow up in a perfect background, perfect home, it was far from growing up his childhood was more survival based but that’s for another Time. Also growing up with a father as an Alcoholic probably played a factor in why turned to drugs but that too is a separate debate but also a factor consider, I hate saying too both my brother an I were susceptible to MH as was on our Fathers side of the family and traumas in our lives an how we dealt with led to us both be affected by.

In June/July 2013 my brother Tim went missing an in that time something happened we don’t know what an the Timothy that was found was not Timothy, Timothy had become Dennis, Dennis was not just a doll that he started carrying about, Dennis could be described as the above person the person with the Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Dennis made Tim a danger to himself, Dennis was never an issues Services addressed, took into consideration, Dennis was a part, the voice inside tims head, Dennis had took hold of the individual the person, Timothy. We tried to get services to get help regarding the Dennis part acknowledge it address the voices, address that Tim was Tim no more get him therapy but it was never addressed or acknowledge yet recorded in his notes. We as a family always told Services an his key worker did too when Tim mentions Dennis he’s a risk to himself not other’s not addressing Dennis enabled it to take over Tim so why he never stood a fighting chance.

Tim did try recover, regain control attended Hollybush, Lighthouse, George’s Crypt they describe Tim as Tim was but with a Doll in his man bag, they described him as friendly, helpful, loved getting involved in his art, doing jobs and too was quite liked at times just blend into the group or sit in the corner read his paper. Following his Facebook posts, seeing him at mums he was alive Tim again always tried getting us go down £1 dinner, Robynn would love the gardens were he’d been helping at the kids would enjoy too, This does not sound like someone who was manipulative, dangerous, did not know right from wrong, his worry though about moving from were he was to somewhere new he worried he’d fall through cracks an yes sadly it came true,

A diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality Disorder shut doors to Assessments for Psychological Therapy, Referal to see if he had a Dissociative Identity i.e Dennis, recommendations for Hearing Voices groups, recovery focused groups, shut the door to referral to a rehab and recovery unit to address all his needs, and why so many other assessments never got done, why plans became out dated and why became dependent on the few people who tried.

If you go back an look at how NHS Choices Defines Anti-Social Personality Disorder reflect on how it’s defined what stands out for me Sociopath, Manipulative, not knowing right from wrong sounds like they’re dangerous a risk to others and individuals do get made to feel that imagine if the Dx was wrong and the implications it then will have on a person surely then that has a detrimental impact an potential human right breach when impacts on their lives an sadly that does happen since losing Tim I’ve met people he met on his journey an seen how impacted them an too those people I would say did not have because they’ve carried me through my storm an been a support, a friend and I’m streetwise and an abuse survivour too and have a 6th sense who’s ok an who’s not.

Ask yourself if you saw Anti-Social Personality Disorder on someone’s notes how would you see them, treat them, what help you would give them, if they were at crisis would you realise that help them if they’re not ok, would you even help them but more importantly how you view the Dx and would that influence you.

Antisocial personality disorder potentially labels people off Antisocial personality Disorder should really only be used in extreme cases and as a last resort when gone through every other assessment an diagnosis an no interventions have an impact.

I’m only someone who’s lived experience, I’m someone who was someone’s sister an know am friends with people who have the Dx an if I can see is a harmful Dx one that does not in anyway inspire hope, recovery, regain an control then sureley you should too and turn your back on Dx Anti-Social Personality Disorder an try look for an Alternative too.

More lives will be saved as a result, More individuals will be better supported, No one will fall through the cracks an be turned away for help.