Being mum something mh stigma taking away my enjoyment be.

People talk about stigma and MH. I thought that now I’m nearly two and a half years I wouldn’t be affected by stigma as much because I now maintain me I don’t display the image of a locked in zombified person, I’m not obese from meds, I do as part self care take great pride in me, I no longer hide away, no longer keep my voice locked in, no longer label my self as been mentally unwell or have mental health I’m just a person who befriended herself to reclaim her life.

Recentley I took great upset to Asda and Tescos MH Patient costumes for Halloween I took great offence not because of the name or the costume or because portrayed a false image of a mh patient but the fact I was a  patient 3 years ago n I’ve moved on but because of been a mh patient I’m been stigmatised more now and more so because ill be a mum soon. 

 

I hear constantly by obstetricians n midwifes ” you do know your 50 percent more likely relapse were do they pluck that statistic from n too why should they stigmatise n label me risk of relapse without getting to know me as Katie Siobhan and not look at me as still been Kathryn Atkinson. 

Im having prove I can be a new mum rather than be given a chance learn be a new mum and go to positive parenting classes because I’m labelled unfairly a vulnerable how can I be vulnerable if I’m independent, challenge myself, nervous n excited n in relation positive parenting n I’m biased no mum wants their child n do all they can n be the best n give their soon health n happiness n encourage be all can be a class can’t teach me that my heart did. I should have a choice go to not feel pressured into. 

My sisters I was upset when said classes can’t teach u be mum, it broke my heart as new that n wanted shout at others not just services but relatives n grandparents be n society too who make new mums like me prove know what doing n sure know what doing assume don’t know n not capable n don’t realise that perception n judgement takes away the joy n excitement off being mum as my sisters got a point a class can’t teach me, advice from others, demonstrating can dosent teach me but the love n bond have 4 my Lil one will do n being his mum n me be given oppurtunity to choose n learn from him n him me n us grow n bond together through love we have n me nurture n support him n care n encourage  n guide him me just me as Katie be allowed be mum. After all new mums aren’t labelled vulnerable people tell them look at all things look forward to well because I was once a past mh patient n stigma of been I’m stigmatised that wont cope, relapse, simple, won’t know what’s best n thinks new mums learn when baby comes along I’m having do now. 

That’s worst stigma I’ve ever faced n try challenge the challenge let me be Katie Siobhan n Katie Siobhan the new mum with everything to look forward too let me choose if parenting classes 4 me, if want access Wellbeing n peer groups n mum n baby Grps 4 me n not as feel pressured into after treated as a past patient n see me as that n mention relapse risk, monitoring n voluntary admissions as you don’t do to other new mums n dont label them vulnerable. I’m asking too dont stigmatise me anymore n make me feel have prove self think that’s Katie a new mum be n remind me of all look forward too. 

More hurt in me than realised

Today I had a counselling session at Sure Start my first one. 

My heart is more broken n hurting than thought. I too realised I dont like how thats made me. 

I don’t want to allow myself become how have been in past I don’t want anger, bitterness n hurt consume me as don’t like how when consume me I take those feelings and emotions and take out on those who have only loved n cared for me n never hurt me but because I’m scared let them in n close to me will expose my vulnerability if I let them in n love n care for me as fear will hurt me like have been in the past so I push them away I become the abuser I hurt those with my words n anger. 

I was asked would I like say sorry to those I would but scared, scared would they tell me how hurt they were, that I’m nasty evil n cruel n ashamed someone once love treat them like that, scared if see ill feel the hurt caused them n didnt deserve n feel ashamed. I too don’t think right apologise until stop that pattern as when say sorry want mean n no longer do. too.

i can’t change my past or how has made me but I’m scared I can’t change how treat people go forward.

Only time will tell n as I learn abt why my hearts broken n hurting will I learn a new way of thinking n learn that I don’t want me be a person that hurts others as I know what it’s like be abused n hurt.

Sharing my fears was Surestart Ok.

Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did. 

 

Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though. 

On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me” 

when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”

walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not  know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you” 

I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one. 

I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that. 

Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours  n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.

Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me. 

There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill

theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too. 

If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought. 

 

Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x 

To my inner me, little Katie I am Sorry

To my inner me, little Katie I am sorry, 

Im sorry I didn’t protect you from harm

I’m sorry I didn’t have a voice back then sorry I didn’t say No this is wrong, Sorry I didn’t know it was wrong sorry by time did didnt speak out soon enough n yelled loud enough sorry the person who harmed you still walks the streets n didn’t get the sentence he should. 

Im sorry I’ve banished you somewhere, I’m sorry I hated you, Sorry I tried to deny you were part of me Sorry I blamed you Sorry I felt disgusted and ashamed by you, Sorry I couldn’t see you were not at fault, 

Im sorry I’ve lost that part of you, the child in me I’m sorry that part of you was robbed n a part of me can not recreate with a snapshot memory or experience, I’m sorry I never got to experience you and Katie been a child. 

Im sorry I hated you, sorry I punished you more n caused you harm by bullying u when u try resurface, I’m sorry I tried to cut u out, attack myself n try poison myself to get at you. I’m sorry because I envied you as even though suffered harm was still able to be vulnerable something I want feel but can’t. 

Im sorry when u tried resurface, I flashback, I feel u in me i try block out the fuzzing the entity of u inside trying to help me heal n move on I’m sorry I saw you as a disease a condition a damaged brain you were none just a damaged child within. 

Im sorry now I’m going to be a mum I couldn’t be mum to us, I’m sorry we lost our childhood, I’m sorry Katie for our childhood been robbed to Katie I am sorry I lost our inner child n chance be too. 

I Katie I am sorry to the abused child that I was and have lost somewhere inside myself. 

The Negative Feedback Loop, When advice is no longer constructive, helpful or needed.

In life you find through out you find and face many scenarios were you are judged, opinions formed critiqued on or face situations were people feel ok over opinions, advice but go to far with that is when becomes a hindrance I can think of many examples in my life but to I can look back on and see where has been damaging and affects off. 

 

When advice or criticism is helpful. 

if it is warranted the person has come to you but any adv give has to be constructive not one sided n not always own opinion or personal believe n be used just as a guide so can find my way. 

If you are getting me to look back at things you know that are part of me, make up me know their things I identify n associate with n have made differences in my life if need a lil nudge seeing the things you’ve done, overcome, proudest moments looking back on those are amazing n great spurring you on n challenge to do more,

 

when it is unhelpful a hinderance n becomes a negative feedback loop n either restricts me or restricts any contact I will have you n n then what you saw helpful looped arnd had a negative of what trying to do. 

 

Advice/Criticism becomes unhelpful if not asked for or unwarranted n enforced on me how you do  something I may not necessarily do, be aware of or learning n adapting do my way n enforcing something on me has this affect.

I feel under pressure, overwhelmed, my identity n control is being chipped at, taken away n slowly ill either 

Start believe whatever do not good enough, believe am doing things wrong n start get stuff wrong ill over analyse, paranoia will intensify ill believe I’m a failure try change myself be person you think I ought to be n then I’ve lost my control, my identity n  shattered you’ve fed the part I’ve worked so hard to overcome my past condition becomes my toxic best friend I give up hope, motivation, darkness, sadness, all things make me happy loss interest in n I pot slip back.

If I start to do or think that is happening I will either ignore you, reject you, cut you from my life n too my unborn child’s life as anything thats negative to me Is too negative for them. 

I have a good support network I may not always see eye to eye my mum n sisters but they slowly get me and will know what do at certain times why now been remonitored by services to ensure a smooth pregnancy n my overall wellbeing content just as a safe guard though my mum, my next of kin, will ensure certain wishes I have be implemented n upholded n ensures my wellbeing n that of my child. 

If I start to see you as someone toxic, unhelpful n having a damaging effect to I lose respect, disengage become disinterested n ill pot snap n for every failing or criticisim or fault feel you have with me when anger erupts n the fight part of me comes out to protect me from crumbling I can become volatile me try  be assertive becomes aggressive I erupt n then I too can become toxic to you as I will barrage u with every failing I see you have I will rant n I will wear you down as you will have been doing to me n I hate myself after as I will be being someone I don’t like be a bully but to protect myself I subconsciously do that and so if you have that affect on a person you need look n ask yurselve is it worth offer adv or criticisim n risk been excluded from mine n my child’s life as I don’t want be either those people n so to ring fence that I will cut out that person.

When you constantly offer unwanted adv or opinion you are enforcing your believes you take away the good n joys n excitements people have n hinder n develop learning. 

You come across as a bully, patronising n people will avoid you as don’t want be arnd someone who makes them feel small, not good enough n everyone hates people who feel they’re better n assume because of that think they’re better than you as don’t like been arnd people who feel patronised by. 

If someone’s done something a mistake don’t say a failure or disappointment or constantly critique n remind off let them learn from amend or change n don’t hold against them if do everyone at some point makes one n not everyone is perfect n in life you don’t need be constantly reminded of those things n held against you. 

 

When your advice is unhelpful n unwarranted n enforced n constant each time see or visit that person what you are pot being is an emotional abuser as when becomes enforcing n constantly having a negative impact you create a negative feedback effect you either isolate me or isolate yourselve n so you will create a negative feedback loop n all loops at sometime get cut or snap n u hurt either others or yourselve as a result.

The hardest but most rewarding last few weeks x

I’ve been quite the last two months as they’ve been up and down a little bumpy say the least. I discovered I was pregnant in June , Me n baby’s daddy we fell out for a few days both probably behaved n did n said things shouldn’t but think we reacted that way as both shocked. Last year in my MH Recovery after separating Matt and my Sisters Falling Pregnant n to not crumble as dawned may never have that wish as was single living alone n 30 n n learning to live life as me told myself never happen n had my special baby was only way could cope n be happy them n for me not punish or criticise myself behind close doors, baby’s daddy thought may happen just not when has n we both facing changes own lives I’d moved near my family n him job changes n so rather talk our nerves n fears we had a few days fall out but it like that never happened now.,

 

im glad had him as had not really felt able talk through my nerves n anxieties n worries as I feared lose this baby way did Marybeth felt those close to me either to caught up in own lives, not interested even felt at point didn’t really care, n so I threw myself get stuff try n be sorted like working with midwifery team, referrals for monitoring for mh side as a extra precaution something I can worry less abt n finances n housing n finding out abt mummy n baby wellbeing n too throw myself into some of things enjoy volunteering wise like been a health champ n doing family stalls or, preparing n helping n getting ready n do a statement at healthy minds agm n my service user involvement activities even when tiered or bit snappy gave me focus and distraction n good for me as been told not stress, think positive n all will be ok kinda not want hear as they cant guarantee it nor do or could understand the gap when you’ve lost a child n actually u want talk about the what ifs, the how will i cope n will all be ok n so as didn’t feel could really do preparing n get ready n still be how got rnd n didn’t tell many others as wanted announce when knew all ok . Baby daddy though been arnd n us going midwife together n talking n working through us n guiding n supporting one another he knowing I needed a hug or rubbing my hand with a label n just been him n distracting me helped n strangely letting his parents fully quizz n get to know me n me slowly do with them thing been ok I think we learning to understand each other as times see n do things differently but thing for same reason n. nice slowly do that. 

We did have a lil scare n led a negative experience out of hrs services but that’s a sep blog but brought me n baby daddy tighter together. 

The first 2 weeks of this month has what has been the hardest n longest as was the blood tests n scans n the scans I feared n dreaded that’s the anxiety wanted share as the last scan had was what ended my last pregnancy n led me lose my special baby Marybeth.

I’ve kinda paced a lot try keeping out n about n even some mh stuff but to had a slight withdraw as inside my head mentally prepare lay down on a scanning bed n for ultrasound n ability shut of thoughts last one so can do these ones. The first scan was on the 6th I remember I laid down most time eyes shut n first time ever prayed all be ok as I was only supposed be getting a due date turned out full scan same morn as to baby daddy only one baby inside n been further along thought explained why bigger than am n so sonographer said I have do full scan to get through n all ok I prayed n willed with all my heart n didn’t look what happening n when said all ok n healthy lil boy n due Xmas day I cried tears off relieve n happiness n this weeks scan a consultant confirmed I still willed n prayed but this time watched n looked n nice my nanna see too n seeing his heartbeat n swallowing those moments best gifts ever have, 

I never thought in my lifetime have n am n I’m blessed n the bumpy start worth n Marybeth thank u as I willed n asked u watch over us all n blessed u n angel in heaven n your lil brother be n angel down here I’m gonna do all I can n be n give my lil gift n darling son all can 

I gave that dream up n by miracle n not asking n wanting finally happened x 

I have issues but don’t we all.

I love how its always me thats the one that will always have issues kinda makes me sad people feel that but to laugh at but hey don’t we all have some more so than others, some more open about some keep hidden because of attitudes of others about people having so called issues. 

I’m loud yes, passionate yes, fiery at times but every strong female is, I prob at times take on to much but most good hearted people do, I may not get paid but I work extremely hard at what I do n to say I have issues well it dose not  stop or hold me back in fact it drives me I may not get paid but happy I get to travel up n down the country talk at events like NHS Confederation n too respected by the public health speakers. I too play my part ensuring services deliver services fit for all, on various different boards and strategies, work to make positive change. 

 

Im happy, Im carefree I throw caution to the wind I conform to be who I want to be I don’t laugh or belittled or put others down to feel good about myself, I run around  because I choose to not because n expectation, 

Im their for my family, friends loved ones at drop of a hat ill support them, guide them n maybe if see something inside ill push n  to be all can be I’d say that makes me unique and someone you think very much dosent have issues.

I don’t drink, nor smoke nor take drugs. I may have odd drink, or sugary sweet but that’s my lifestyle choice n not because I supposedly have issues.

I tend to find too have issues a change or disruption but think half population does, I too only have  issues when people who know very little abt n me try pass comment or belittle or comment ill always have issues. 

I’m happy most of time to content most of time, I have my strong points my good characteristics, I have my bad points or flaws when passionate or feel backed into a corner I rant n come out fighting not literally though but that’s not issue that’s part of my characteristics/flaws n don’t we all have that. 

I’m not ashamed say we’re I’ve been nor does it hold me back or make me a bad person or leave me at a disadvantage Im actually quite smart n streetwise too, I too challenge myself being the person I want to be I have dreams, hopes, aspirations, I work towards them

I can stand out on my own n needs be look out 4 myself have  me but what people don’t realise when you throw stones at me your not just hurting me but them n it not fair n nor will I sit n take insults, put downs, snide comments or jokes nor be upset as u upset me but too i have a family n friends n bf friend n when u try hurt me u actually upset them too nothing is going to disrupt or upset that an that not because have issues but because I protect all that I love that includes me. 

I think before people pass comment on me should take a close look at themselves n if too comment on other people n their lives isn’t it you who has the issue as your lives no interest to me so god knows why mine is to you then can only say you prob have issues too.

 

I try educate people n get people to change attitudes I’m too fair to a point n sometimes I thing what’s point as some people thing once u have issues you always have n it not always case it’s what do with. 

 

We all at some point have highs, lows, good, bad, stressors we all have issues at some point so really were all the same n no different. 

 

Thank u 4 reading n for anyone too facing affects of others don’t let it bother u as if a problem to them is their issue n not yours you be all can be.