This week is mental health awareness week the theme is Anxiety. This week you will probably hear about many different ways Anxiety affects each individual differently and it’s impact can have massive implications for an individual and those around them.
So here’s my take on how anxiety has impacted me and that is the anxiety I get when I fall in love or know someone’s fallen in love with me.
Ive always struggled to accept I was lovesble, I’ve always seen myself as damaged goods, I’ve always thought someone loving me was dangerous, something bad would happen, I would be hurt or something bad would happen to me or I’d be punished or lose something I do hold dear. To me that was due to been an abuse victim an also I suffered the loss of my daughter the first person I ever loved n me losing that led to my fear of love intensifying n into a full blown anxiety of and an ability have n moment I felt in love or loved meant I spiralled out of control n the anxiety my self saboteur.
I in the past have have had to be the dominant person in a relationship, in control, need meets met, reassurances n times cared for if not I struggled n anxiety takes over it made me panic, worry, neurotic be self destructive push people away through how I was I’d go from miss nice to miss nasty, I couldn’t tell people I was trying push them away because I was scared, panicking inside, feeling overwhelmed things out of control n because in love n afraid of n not ready for n needed me control things.
If I didn’t get or couldn’t have control, I couldn’t say what going on inside so I would either shut off, withdraw close myself off, turn myself off so didn’t feel anything n led to my anxiety n inability be happy is part of my anxiety fear of love, that caused me spiral be demotivated n spiral from the anxiety to depression n times impacted that much I spiralled into having years of on n off chronic n enduring mental health.
To try try protect myself at times n cope I’d become argumentative n find a person weak spot n target because I felt vulnerable n exposed n afraid n that made me heightened n I couldn’t have people see that or know that least of all person I was in love with or felt loved by I couldn’t let them see I was exposed n in love too for I feared its implications something bad will happen to me, love wasn’t good for me or healthy n damaging. So I would be cruel to the person who loved me n in turn thing turned people to hate me couldn’t have them love me pity I just couldn’t say what going on.
Here’s an insight into just a snippet of how my anxiety impacted on someone who loved me.
By being like that my anxiety damaged people in my past who didn’t deserve. Marybeth’s dad n I no longer speak after losing our daughter I feared lose him, rejected him, told him her loss his fault I broke his spirit n heart because I too felt that told myself wasn’t good enough I lost our love I feared lose him if loved him I drove him away to point he rejected me. I think in my mind I needed him let me go I thing I thought I was protecting him from harm.
I hope that he’s in love now n happy, I hope he’s found what we should have had love happy n settled n I hope he’s loved n feels that too I hope he’s respected n valued most importantly doesn’t feel damaged or at fault for anything.
I tried do relationships for a time my anxiety destroyed quite a few to a time when starting my recovery I accepted I had a fear and anxiety n not ready for love n had learn to feel happy n me learn it ok for me to love me let alone anyone else.
Strangely though I know am in love and a mum I still struggle with my fear an anxiety.
I never meant to fall in love with my know oh tried keep him at arms length did tell him if thought I was developing feelings or he me I would find a way reject him an push him away and I did n do try I’d find faults n arguments but he knew I was doing n he’d address n we’d work through we learned power of communicating n be friends, by how he is with me n him been laid back in his way has helped me not need feel need control n because too how he was n their for me when really mattered n didn’t let me have control n felt better he handle something made me realise was safe to feel ok n be in love n seeing him hold our child first time I realised it ok me be happy n in love n rather than reject that n fear i actually try now protect it n helps with my anxiety of losing n having love I don’t want reject my oh or son n know I have fear of losing them but know I want protect them, ensure they happy n loved,
my oh he says I partially love you, that’s helped me learn it ok hear someone say I love you n let someone in to love me, I can do I partially love you n feel ok n safe n happy hear, I know in my heart I love him n he love me n ” I partially love you” means so much n does wonders when trying have something that your afraid of n the power of partially love you has helped me find n have love n be in n nothing happened yet I’m ok n my fam ok.
When people talked about n raised awareness of anxiety this week I wanted share my insight n how impacted me n those who love me n tried to.