Today Dad I saw you again, brought Myles with Me, Myles has seen you know twice he knows your his Grandad he loved playing his games with you today an only wanted play them with you he dosent know the you from the past nor care about or need know to him building a relationship with you is easy, child’s play he gets to know you for the now, the hear, the present to him it’s like you’ve always been their even though it only twice he does not get anxious or panic an worry about what we’ll talk about or say, will it feel strange or awkward dosent need pray for Gods intervention an be on our side as we pray an build a new relationship, wish I could follow Myles lead an attitude not let fear or the past get in the way because your are different to the Dad I Knew and used be, I know that the Drink stopped you from being the Dad I wanted you be and I can’t keep partly holding you responsible for things that went on in my life because when do that will stop us moving forward also Drink was the poison not you and wasn’t your personally that was not their it was the Drink that took you away. It was nice to watch Myles and you play it made it easier to chat an talk as you did, it felt normal like an everyday afternoon of a daughter an her son visiting Grandad and pleased went like that, I’m pleased Myles too taken to you wants be around you, see you play with you and feels safe an loves you automatically because your his Grandad and he’s a good judge of character too an today was nice follow Myles lead and attitude and the foundations an building blocks of our relationship be built on the today’s an the tommorows the moments have an can plan have, build how a child would build a relationship one free of guilt and judgement an one of love an innocence an natural care free approach to its strange a four year old been a mediator, the bridge of the gap and not realise they are but that’s the magic I suppose of been a child and child’s play as to them it’s easy, simple they don’t see ifs, buts, whys an the what ifs to them theirs no process navigate, mediate an weigh up an assess. The quiet an awkward moments were their but only briefly Myles he as soon as felt that was loud look at me an so snap out off. I hope our relationship continues to grow an Too flourish we’re still in the very early days taking baby steps so since doing that will build up like child’s play now so that we grow, we develop, we’re strong an when stumble as toddle jump back up an brush down for its time to take that journey, that walk those baby steps here’s to having a child like, childs play attitude and thank you to both you and Myles for today as it’s time I had my Dad back in my life and looking forward to our journey now an we’re will lead us too x x x x
We’re now in December the time of year people get in too the spirit of been festive an giving an Christmas cheer, children get excited about what they wish for on their lists comes true because Santa sees an grants their wishes. People are getting out the advent calendars, planning to watch all the xmas movies in the build up too, theirs elves on shelves, tress been put up lights an all the trimmings, trips to xmas markets, festive light switch ons, and for kids santa too.
As a parent you have to do theses things for your child, I’ve to currently do them for mine but when you’ve had an emotional and rough year an a half suffered bereavement after bereavement, been hit with major changes an disruptions to your home life an only just try navigate get back on track is hard to feel festive get in to that Christmas spirit because we’re was the magic when you needed it, At Christmas we talk about the gifts of Joy, Hope an Peace these are gifts you need all year round, everyday especially to get through what live throws at you.
For most this time of year will be filled with fun an cheer but spare a thought for those it’s probably not, in 2009 I had what was one of the xmas I’d say was a bad one I spent it detained under the Mental Health Act Under Section 3, I didn’t open presents under the tree but on a hospital bed, I didn’t have the full xmas dinner with my family but strangers instead their was no tree, no lights no decorations no festive cheer their was no Christmas magic that year so at xmas I do reflect on that thing of all who maybe going through that.
In 2013 I’d say I had what was my best Christmas I’d just had my son my very own Christmas miracle after losing a child born stillborn in March 2002 I thought I’d never have a child of my own an as time went on I gave up op on having one and so even though I’ve now got Myles I do to spare a thought for parents facing harsh reality of knowing the pain what it’s like to lose a child especially getting through that 1st xmas every xmas I still imagine how it’d be if had Marybeth an do more so now I’ve Myles to celebrate with, I also spare a thought for those who desperstley wanted a child an pain not having one and seeing friends an families having families of their own even though your happy you still feel like you’ve had your heart tugged out.
Last xmas I was not excited for nor looking forward too because it was to be the first xmas without my brother Tim, I remember using my son , my niece n nephews as my driving force to get through because they’re just kids they don’t need face the harsh realities of live, I knew also for my mum had try an do something to ease her through xmas as knew would be difficult her go through and knew xmas would heighten pain she felt.
So I brought the magic of Christmas to my house I threw my son an his twin cousins a Christmas themed birthday party, invited Santa Claus round the children’s excitement an faces an look of joy injected that little bit of hope an magic get through, I still got Tim a card an present as Wasn’t ready to not too even took part in arranging a toy collection for George’s Crypt for Children who face some of the most bleakest things in life an did in memory of Tim kinda wished did again this year but sadly life got in way an other stuff get through so maybe next year I’ll do.
Again this year I will try steer my family through highs an lows of the festive period and be hopeful in new year we’ll get the answers we’re looking for surrounding my brother’s death , I’ll hold both Myles nanna, great nanna and his grandma in my heart an pray they find a way get through this time of year as they go through their first xmases without John and without Alan in the winter night sky and when the stars twinkle I’ll whisper to Myles that’s his sister, uncle an great grandads watching over coming down to say Merry Xmas an that in spirit we’re still here just not near but have not completely gone and will always be with him in spirit an heart,
As I’ve wrote this blog I’ve wondered why write I suppose it’s my way of saying that I will fake my way through xmas for Myles starting by next week taking him to the magical world of Thomas land for his early bday treat , I’ll put up a tree lights an decorations when we get back, I’ll try do something nice with mum whilst we’re down at Westminster helping NHS England around their Learning From Deaths work as we remain hopeful an optomistic can make a difference for families in the future who may face similar experiences to ours but they be supported with compassion an empathy unlike us. When come back do the mad xmas shop, present buying an wrapping for my loved ones get excited at thought watching them feel gift of joy when they get the gifts they’ve wished for an I’ve realised in one way I’m acknowledging Christmas can be a difficult kind of year but also as I’ve reflected on I’m slowly injecing into me ways I’ll find Christmas gift of hope too have the joy an spirit too want to celebrate be festive an try to find the missing magic an hope too others who’s missing that too I pray that you may find ways to find x x x
People talk about stigma and MH. I thought that now I’m nearly two and a half years I wouldn’t be affected by stigma as much because I now maintain me I don’t display the image of a locked in zombified person, I’m not obese from meds, I do as part self care take great pride in me, I no longer hide away, no longer keep my voice locked in, no longer label my self as been mentally unwell or have mental health I’m just a person who befriended herself to reclaim her life.
Recentley I took great upset to Asda and Tescos MH Patient costumes for Halloween I took great offence not because of the name or the costume or because portrayed a false image of a mh patient but the fact I was a patient 3 years ago n I’ve moved on but because of been a mh patient I’m been stigmatised more now and more so because ill be a mum soon.
I hear constantly by obstetricians n midwifes ” you do know your 50 percent more likely relapse were do they pluck that statistic from n too why should they stigmatise n label me risk of relapse without getting to know me as Katie Siobhan and not look at me as still been Kathryn Atkinson.
Im having prove I can be a new mum rather than be given a chance learn be a new mum and go to positive parenting classes because I’m labelled unfairly a vulnerable how can I be vulnerable if I’m independent, challenge myself, nervous n excited n in relation positive parenting n I’m biased no mum wants their child n do all they can n be the best n give their soon health n happiness n encourage be all can be a class can’t teach me that my heart did. I should have a choice go to not feel pressured into.
My sisters I was upset when said classes can’t teach u be mum, it broke my heart as new that n wanted shout at others not just services but relatives n grandparents be n society too who make new mums like me prove know what doing n sure know what doing assume don’t know n not capable n don’t realise that perception n judgement takes away the joy n excitement off being mum as my sisters got a point a class can’t teach me, advice from others, demonstrating can dosent teach me but the love n bond have 4 my Lil one will do n being his mum n me be given oppurtunity to choose n learn from him n him me n us grow n bond together through love we have n me nurture n support him n care n encourage n guide him me just me as Katie be allowed be mum. After all new mums aren’t labelled vulnerable people tell them look at all things look forward to well because I was once a past mh patient n stigma of been I’m stigmatised that wont cope, relapse, simple, won’t know what’s best n thinks new mums learn when baby comes along I’m having do now.
That’s worst stigma I’ve ever faced n try challenge the challenge let me be Katie Siobhan n Katie Siobhan the new mum with everything to look forward too let me choose if parenting classes 4 me, if want access Wellbeing n peer groups n mum n baby Grps 4 me n not as feel pressured into after treated as a past patient n see me as that n mention relapse risk, monitoring n voluntary admissions as you don’t do to other new mums n dont label them vulnerable. I’m asking too dont stigmatise me anymore n make me feel have prove self think that’s Katie a new mum be n remind me of all look forward too.
A year ago I struggled come to terms my sister’s been pregnant a wish I onced had a wish I realised wouldn’t happen for me or so I thought.
I remember walking to tesco my mum n she said one day it happen for me, my comments and too as been alone and single at time genuinley meant and too believed in my heart and with clear conviction said to my mum. I’ve accepted will never happen for me as if it was would have happened by now. I’d accepted I was never going to be mum and coming too terms just be aunt.
A year on though I am Mum or soon be Mum, I too found an Adam or maybe fate brought us together especially as was adamant when did come into my life us just be friends no more but I slowly grew like him n he me, his quirky personality melted me n the fact night tears flowed happiness and sadness and Adam he was there n held me through it n talked me through n too distracted me through.
Love did blossom did have some turbulent ups n downs but we found a way work.
Im soon be a mum, he be a dad people have said now used to are happy but timing not right, timing may have not been right to them but too me their was never a wrong or right time as gave up on be a time but everything does happen for a reason n reason maybe regardless of job changes, moves, a new love blossoming or try grow between me n Adam maybe is actually our time maybe were meant be a family of 3 something people should give us chance be not feel take over, make us jump through hoops, treat us like we won’t know what doing, people should step back n allow us have our time, us be parents n my time be mum something I told my mum I’d never be again but am excited, happy, determined give myles all can for he’s My Myles, My Son, My child n finally my moment be mum a moment I can’t wait to treasure a moment that was meant to be a moment that’s just right time 4 me and meant be n myles I can’t wait be mum n blessed u my son and knows our time n so for me is our right time,
I love you Myles, I can’t wait be Mum, you chose me be mum n I’m blessed thing people to know need realise that too n I know n I will do what’s best 4 me, my son, my family as knows our moment n our moment to have x x x
Yesterday was an eye opener but a good eye opener n something I really needed to open up on n glad in away either otherwhelm or pregnancy hormones hit when did.
Yesterday I was going to meet my local Sure start Family Team, I was nervous, didnt know what on offer, didn’t know if would get me n didn’t know if could adequately support me or Lil Dumbo and USA just discharged by cmht last month as a perinatal team supposed take over monitoring me n no contact as of yet I’ve felt a bit anxious like a sitting duck scared manage my fears alone n tried do best can n too I expected Surestart be a Sure let down to me too. I was so wrong though.
On the train across to appointment I tried not think about n read a book on my iPad, Chatted with my mum on phone along way she under a lot of strains at moment unfairly attacked by some own family all for doing right thing n caring I hate hearing or seeing her upset as all she does is try do her best suppose that’s why when off the train n walking up the intrusive n self criticism hit me “why u going a family centre don’t u care hit me”
when facing building to go in I stood a few minutes before press buzzer thought turn arnd, turn arnd but my Lil one kicked n like he knew nudge mummy N nudged your hear n knew let me know because I cared”
walking across the playing ground to entrance seeing person wait to greet me in the realisation hit me I’m at a family centre 4 me I’m a mum in less than 12 weeks n boom floodgates opened n boom my mouth opened too all my fears, anxieties were all ready slip out n to someone who was a stranger, did not know me but knew I was a scared mum to be n instinctively said what your feeling is “normal n all mums feel” n it’s ok be scared n were here to help a support you”
I don’t know but fact she knew that without me say I think helped me open up n more than I normally do but glad did as realised it was ok n feel they’ll be good for me n Lil one.
I’m going to have some 1-1 support addressing some things, Counselling referral as I still to release my feelings say goodbye properly to Marybeth n let go n too as I’ve started reflecting on my past abuse realised with that it will affect my relationships n how I trust people n so I too know address that.
Psychology in past enabled me see n accept had certain patterns, analyse process self , address or ammend certain patterns of behaviour but know that time explore n release the feelings n not the behaviours n move on a step further n so counselling it is n ready for.
Because I want to so get it right 4 Lil dumbo n he too a healthy start one of things I want get right day 1 is breast feed so I’m gonna join a breast feeding peer support group n with it meet new mums or new mums to be like me.
There’s a baby first aid course too I’m going to look at do not just 4 my Lil one but I to learn a new skill
theres an under 2s group I can go to but best yet my mum can bring one of my niece or nephews or my siblings can come and bring them n I can settle more n too bond with them better I hope they come too.
If like I can look a further courses n thinks be involved with n why like knowing gonna have a Surestart plan n their support as I left knowing I was success of a mum not a failure as I was taking first steps to enable me be best mum ever n not a a failure as thought.
Sure Start was Sure OK n Sure Start will think be what keeps me Sure Ok as yesterday I realised it ok say n ask 4 support n it not a bad think is so I can be a good thing n that a good mum x