The day you left, The day you died their was no goodbye, no note, even Dennis the doll that had possessed you was not on you, was laid sleeping on the bed from day one I’ve argued if u meant to leave us it be Goodbye he’d have been on you. I’ve recently sat with our legal team had the voicemails you’ld left me transcribed they were of pleas for help, confusion an desperation a Katie if u can’t help get mam or your key-worker amidst the messages were I love you, I love my family and an I miss you. Their was no goodbye, no Katie I’m going now leaving you all an look after Mum because if was Goodbye you’ld have done an said that or left a note ask that. The day you left part of me died too I closed the world off , closed Myles off too shut the world out become fiercely overprotective of him and our time an space we went from a mad chaotic house of fun an play dates to solemness and time out exploring to hide from the pain an sadness we felt but couldn’t put a finger on or understand, Myles argues with your photo, your bench an your drum too they’re not your things he says in his head you left them I try explain you didn’t you had no choice so in Myles head you’ll be back an so he compromises with you he’s borrowing your things looking after he’s doing a Job. With every new build housing schemes an homes been built especially all ones around Mum’s he comments Uncle Timothy’s new Home. I don’t think he understands you’ve died I don’t correct an tell him otherwise neither because I can’t accept you’ve died to me it’s not real it’s a sick an sad joke I try pretend you’ll one day phone or knock on the door. I can’t get angry or mad with you and am just numb because I can’t process or understand why you did what you did on that fateful day, I try tell myself you were stupid an it was a desperate cry for help, the Catholic/Christian in me asks was God with you that day then I get angry with God then for taking you away, I tell myself you didn’t intend to go because you loved us, missed us we were your family you wouldn’t go and leave us without a Goodbye. Losing you to a preventable suicide has been soul destroying, heartbreaking the making of time stand still we’re incomplete at times I feel our families like a broken puzzle an your the missing piece, At night I lie awake talk to you inside my head plead for you to come back, I cry silent tears to try blot out the numbness but to no avail no goodbye is the hardest goodbye the not knowing why, your intentions an the could you have been saved always dominate my thoughts because my mind and heart don’t register or comprehend it was Goodbye. I don’t think we’ll ever know or understand why we can only try and reflect upon the why. Their was no Goodbye so Ill go with I’ll see you soon, Someday, That someday the grey clouds will have lifted, the light will shine through the darkness the numbness lifted the pain gone the sadness an confusion gone x I love u Tim and one day in the future we’ll say hello again be like old times and no need to feel like goodbye so one day tim I’ll see you again and you won’t leave again an we can forget about the need for goodbye x x
As someone who is trying have faith in God I’ve discovered that in Death if someone is for instance of an older age had their families lived their lives way wanted an accomplished all they wanted that when time comes it’s ok to not pray for recovery or healing but actually pray It time for them to pass peacefully meet their makers an for them to take their place in heavens realm in we one day see them again., With my grandad in the last few weeks seeing him in hospital so old, so frail not the person once was I knew his soul was ready leave this life it was to be hard but I did pray God listened to his Will his heart an if his time let him go peacefully, shortly after my Grandad passed my sons Great Grandad had a major stroke one he would not recover from he was moved to a home to make he’s final few weeks comfortable an again I prayed God listen to his heart an his will an when time comes let him to go peacefully. I’ve discovered that these deaths are classed as good Deaths strange notion a Good Death. But it then got me thinking about my daughter she was born still born she had severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus her death was not expected or planned whe received news did I prayed doctors had got wrong, I prayed for divine an medical intervention even asked for a blessing of healing over my bump but at the follow up consultation the harsh reality my child would not survive birth was put to me an that it’d be better end the pregnancy early an deliver her born sleeping an so I did at 22 weeks an 6 days surrounded by our immediate family I did will myself to Die too moment she did my body shut down crash team called in my family ushered out my mum prayed to god don’t take me her baby an you’ll gather I survived but I did suffer terribly mentally for years afterwards tortured myself spent along time in an out of psychiatric services took along time for the guilt to go to mourn it was an always will be a bad death as I’ll never understand why when discovered pregnant was given the precious gift of life to have cruelly ripped an snatched away, then we move onto 2013 I finally went on to have my rainbow baby 10 days before Christmas the child who brought me hope after darkness an is my continued reason to fight the darkness as in August 2016 I lost my brother, by best friend to a preventable suicide for 21/2 years he battled demons was tortured mentally lost his soul to his alter ego an became possessed by a doll my family an I we constantly thought for help for him in the May of year he died we thought he’d finally turned a corner he was moving into mental health supported housing, he was volunteering at St. George’s an at. TCV hollybush was given a new lease of life was optimistic we’d get our Tim back but for whatever reason we don’t know why we are now fighting for answers why, What happened for him to deteriorate mentally again, why were the signs not picked up on , why when he reached out for help was it not given why the week he died did Accident an Emergancy not intervene why did his Gp not intervene an why did the staff at the supported living not intervene. Since losing Tim my family an I are now mentally tortured physically an emotionally drained an having now fight the NHS an social care an now the legal system to get the answers why today should be a day spent with my son but sadly I’ve had to make childcare arrangements will go to my mums argue an negotiate with our solicitor an barrister with my mum the band aid plaster trying protect me from hurt of losing Tim will be ripped of as mum an I will again have review an critique all the legal paper work an Work out our next steps today I’m mentally preparing myself for news that the courts have rejected our notion for the judicial review that’s challenged the coroner’s decision regarding article 2 and preparing myself our legal team may tell us stop perusing and I too now am slowly losing my faith an sense of hope because I can not move on with my life, days of feeling happiness have disappeared it’s know a battle of get through each day best can because I’ve my son an he needs me an I don’t want my family facing anymore heartache an pain, I throw myself into fighting for answers for tim, trying challenge the system get changes made but we are no further forwards but rather further back I don’t think we’ll get the answers an closure we’re looking for an destined to carry the heavy burden and pain of losing tim with us and Day he died to part of us to died his death changed us changed how we see life, how we now interact an engage an took part away our hearts and souls so we’re no longer the people we used to be I try engage in life because of Myles but at same time have cut myself off an detached myself from certain aspects to survive the hell were now facing, losing a child at whatever age to a parent is never a good death it wasn’t something I’d ever want me an mum share going through and losing a brother to a preventable suicide wasn’t a good death neither they are bad Deaths ones I know struggle with an carry heartache off to me they are bad Deaths an when time comes I will tell God that and I know he’s expecting that because I do know argue with him, challenge verses in the bible do not pray as devoutly as once did an sadly feel him lost from my life I do try search for him but am on a string hold now with my faith I once cut him out my life if not for my son probably would have done because as I said earlier he’s my continued hope in darkness I fell myself he’s my gift from God an with that comes the sense I’ve to be eternally grateful an so I persevere in my ongoing battle with faith in life we do all die but death is not always Good because some Deaths are not inevitable an those that die too soon had more out of life to give did not have The chance reach their potential an life had more to offer them an so death was bad and robbed them of the joy of life the pain of that death an fighting to understand why then ripples throughout the lives of loved ones so when people talk about death I’ve discovered some deaths yes are good and some are just as equally bad an it’s important when people now talk about death consider what is a good death an Too what is a bad death an how you know support people going through that x x x
On the 1st of February it’s Time To Talk Day I for last few years not partaken in for various reason’s but this year I have because it’s dawned on me people don’t rarely get to try and know me, talk to me, have painted a not nice picture of me not taken time to get to know me or Try understand me they’ll look down when I pass, try look busy, let’s not ask Katie how she is,
These last 18 months have been the most loneliest an most challenging especially with trying raise a toddler an self maintain having PTSD and I was hit with losing my brother to a preventable suicide an passing of my grandad closest thing had to a Dad.
These last 18 months I’ve struggled felt isolated people’s lives moved on mine didn’t , people didn’t want ask me how I was after my brother’s death because they didn’t know how I’d react I’m pictured as an angry, volatile person because have gone 0-10 on blow my head shouting scale but people don’t realise if I persevere I or my sons at threat I will become heightened an will react an I will use certain instances to react because the things that I don’t want to nor ready face come to terms with an deal with I try ignore but I get overwhelmed by something as simple as someone telling my child off is enough to spark that fuse and I’ll explode and I understand that when I explode it’s not a pretty site, I hate myself after it , I will bully myself turn in on myself I attack an put myself, I’ve also been known in certain situations known to suddenly drop everything and run because I don’t want people see the upset, the pain I don’t want people see me react me be weak, be vulnerable, don’t want feel trapped, panicked and nor do I want explode so see I’m stuck in a catch 22 do I blow up, do I let you see me upset.
I can’t though let you see me upset because you’ve not given me a chance, got to know me, not got to understand me a handful of people do they don’t see me as a scary, psycho mad person they see the scared person the person that’s hurting they see past that side of me they know it’s something that’s part of me can’t change no amount of therapy an anger management an counselling will help I’ve just had to adapt, to accept that’s one of my traits and angry Katie is only a small part of me but it’s the part that stands out.
It saddens me and hurts me that people may feel intimidated or scared of me because I’m not a scary or bad person nor am I violent I just get aggressive but that’s because I trying be assertive an protect myself but it comes out like a loud screaming banshee and I’m not that person all the time just a small percent off but because people don’t get past that point sadly the world does become lonely an isolating I try pretend it doesn’t hurt, try ignore how people are, I find myself now to avoiding people because when you stop to talk I struggle know what say, can’t pretend alls ok when not, selfishly don’t want hear how lives great don’t want pretend neither it is and rather not have people squirm , cut short conversations when do try open up because then I’m protecting me not opening up, exposing myself protecting my heart, ,my well being my self care.
Learning how to feel live with my emotions was a blessing at first but not so much at the moment because how now perceived when hit a stumbling block an working way through, medication, therapy hasn’t been an option for me I don’t yet trust services because how I ended up in past an because failings which led my brother’s death I plod on try attack get through each day one at a time.
If people took time to get to know me, too ask , too be my friend they’d see the nice Katie, friendly one,one whould go try out way make sure is ok but people struggle give me a chance I need people do that because it’s only way I’ll be able let you in because I struggle let people in because I’m that used been hurt, rejected people pick up on perceptions on me that I don’t let my guard down an sadly even though I’m extrovert need you make first move an try.
Theirs been days I’ve felt that lost, that alone questioned my existence have had days wished not woken up because don’t want go through life perceived something not, wanted life go back how was too been good but I can’t change the last 18 months just try get me back in check an I’m doing slowly but sadly I’ll always be held back if people can’t see past a small part of me.. and so for Time To Talk Day I wanted to address people picturing me as a monster, psycho, a person feel intimidated by because deep down that’s not me also I want people too try understand how when your anxious, feel at risk an have ptsd you don’t see logical ways out and when we talk about Mental Health we don’t talk much about anger, and how anger is a part of Mental health an how anger has people perceived an so I thought I’d through my blog challenge an address because here’s safe do I can be vulnerable because I’m hid behind the keyboard however tomorrow u may see me in person an if do just try say hello wish me a good day make me feel visible, accepted a chance belong because I do try my very best and don’t want to be seen anymore as scary, psycho Katie and so I hope on Time To Talk Day people see past someone’s Mental Health an see the person that’s within.
Depression is horrible it’s a debilitating disease that squeases the life out of you keeps you trapped in the darkest places of your mind, takes the spirit an life out of everyday moments, in extreme cases murders those you love forces an pushes them into doing something stupid wreckless as they fight try find away out, Depression is like a prison sentence when things not too bad you get time out from like good behaviour but then smack something happens your hurled back into that darkened cell in the back of your head trapped , surrounded engulfed by misery, pain, desperation, inability cope, intense anger as you struggle and fight through. Depression isn’t just an invisible one but it’s a lonely one too people can’t see depression nor do people want or try see. People don’t spot when friends or family disappear become distant and you drop of the radar don’t stop by and ask are you ok, People don’t see past the charade the pretence that everything’s ok , people don’t see the bags under your eyes , don’t see the pain an fatique of the weight of the world crushing down on you theirs no hand of support their to help you up, no one their to lighten the load, Depression is a tormentor abuser it plays with your mind construes your thoughts makes you paranoid throws you into a spin cycle of thoughts that take over an drain you and drench’s you. Depression people don’t see nor understand people don’t get depressed your expected snap out of, move on so you pretend , you act you paint a fake picture alls ok still whilst slowly fading away into the distance life stopping for you but continually moves forwards for others you stumble n trip and sink trying keep up and I understand now why some give up because it’s tough it can get too much to keep on battling, keep on fighting, keep on trying for me I have no choice try battle an fight through because depression to is a curse it dosent disappear when you go you wherever maybe, maybe free but those you leave behind they struggle see, understand carry the weight off and depression sneakily sneaks in whilst their vulnerable and off guard it’s how it’s snuck in for me this time round pain and grief and anger at losing a loved one to a preventable suicide shrouded and engulfed me and has me trapped and I wouldn’t want pass that curse on so I’ll battle an fight with it I’ve beat it once I’ll try beat it once more the child snoozing next to me oblivious am awake at daft o’clock in the morning needs me to he’s to young to understand and see but to a point knows his Mummy’s been sad and when she’s upset thinks is his fault an asks Mummy are you my friend, the guilt of having depression then engulfs you don’t want your child seeing or sensing or feeling that so when they can’t see you try process an unravel the pain your feeling and untangle the mess inside your head be good have a pause button take a rest an break from but it’s depression it dosent make life easy. I can choose to live in hope though and hope I find away fight through and that I break through the prison of can get a hold off an my life back on track, can try find solutions, plans break through the core that’s keeping me trapped only you that is trapped by depression can break free from because people don’t see those chains wrapped round you an can’t pass you the key to release you from to all those that are battling with though we see and hopefully by speaking about people will start to see an start to help remove the chains that have kept us held and dragged back but until then know you are not alone we all at some point or time wrestle with an battle with an so you are not alone in your fight with x x x x x
My Big Brother, My best friend, One of my Angel’s if Heaven, Darkness has shrouded me since the day you died the pain I’ve felt uncomprehendable an unimaginable a pain I wouldn’t want wish on anyone, the pain an suffering you too faced in the last 2 1/2 years of live wouldn’t wish on anyone either. When you were alive you had a wish I didn’t grant a wish your nephew my son Myles met our dad and for him have a chance meet him an be a Grandad to his only Grandson. To you dad was your hero, your best friend you saw past the alcoholism you loved the times you had with him down at the Brown hare you never got over dad finally having to go into a care home for his own safety it was like part of you died that day the day you felt you’ld lost your best friend an I know hate feeling that same pain, I didn’t have the same relationship with Dad as you did I did try when he first went in to the care home have one but then in 2009 my own Mental Health deteriorated to point I spent Christmas that year sectioned and detained in hospital it took me a few years recover from in 2012 I went through a major relationship breakdown lost the home I’d thought have my ever after in an had create a new identity for myself as part of that process an as part of that process I didn’t want have Dad in my life I blamed him for not been in my life when I needed and wasn’t their protect me from been abused wasn’t their shelter me from pain of losing Marybeth and I hated knowing at time I was going through that he was in Pub opposite and so in my mind if I deleted him from my life I had a chance move on from my past. When Myles was first born I did think about letting him see him but the bitterness an anger I felt about him not been their made me have attitude he didn’t have that right be in my life or Myles, I know that you respected that decision but you were also hurt by as you so much wanted dad see him and I’m sorry I never listened, never told you how I felt maybe you’ld have understood an we’d have worked together and compromised and we’d have took Myles together. The day of your funeral was the first time in years I’d come back into contact with each other he looked lost, he didn’t look like our dad but still he automatically was Dad all way through the service he sat next to me and held my had, did cuddle me as I was upset and walked up to your coffin with me and held my hand as I told you it wasn’t goodbye but see you when times right an for you go be one of heaven’s angels an be with my Marybeth. After your funeral I did give dad some photos of you with Myles and I did think about going and see him and take Myles but I wasn’t ready also Grandad was very poorly and he too sadly passed then Myles other Great Grandad Robinson too sadly had a stroke an he too sadly passed an emotionally I did not feel strong. So it took 18 months after you passed away and this last week of not sleeping an waking upset an trying ignore an pretend all ok and to go across mums and in Tesco see an old man alone and me with a stock pile of presents for Boo too think about people who maybe alone, I went across Nanna’s she too stood in the Hallway looking lost as we chatted and she was worrying about getting her nibbles in her eyes though was fear first Christmas alone without Grandad and across at mums I got upset for her but brushed off went home, on Christmas Eve Facebook triggered me to point turned of all notifications Christmas was about family time an so be it, Anne Myles great grandads partner Anne phoned who earlier on in year whold lost Alan phoned see how we were recognised this time of year would be hard for me as as was for her and at end of call it hit me I cracked, I melt all bitterness to dad I felt disappeared and I looked at Myles it was finally time he met his Grandad Hughie our Dad and on Christmas Eve Dad finally met Myles I think he was just an shocked an surprised as I was as It wasn’t how I envisaged spend Christmas Eve but am glad I did am glad finally my four year old finally got to meet and get a cuddle and see his Grandad all of us in room didn’t speak your name but did feel your absence missing and that’s my only regret about finally granting your wish you weren’t their share with us as you should have been I kinda think from heaven you’ve probably though in heaven come down from heaven an whispered in my ear what about Dad Katie it’s time and am glad you did because in New year we now have New hope Dad an I and Myles can have a New Relationship an too Jason an Dad can maybe look at have too just a shame you not here share in too but I hope though your with us in Spirit an through pain losing you that their can be some healing now your wish has been granted an I’ve entered the spirit of Christmas reconciling the pain of yesterday but am truly sorry though left to late for you to see I know we’ve a long way go me an Dad but we’ve finally now made a start I hope you Too our now finally at peace an forever I will miss you my brother, my best friend x
Theirs been lots in the media debating the pro’s an cons of taking Medication for Depression, BBC Panorama highlighted the dangerous of an how individuals became mass murderer’s an that’s in extremities.
I suffer from a Dysthmic Disorder in layman terms a neurotic mood disorder, Depression,Anxiety, Obsessive and Compulsive Behaviours, I have complex PTSD hear voices and Dissociate.
I don’t take medication for my conditions I used to they were harmful for my physical health I ballooned to just under 19 stone was a walking zombie did not interact, engage the world passed in a blur and still I was seen as disengaging by services it wasn’t that I was disengaging but the needs completely shut of all my receptors so I couldn’t engage.
The conditions I have are the result of Childhood Abuse, Losing a Child Born Still Born and the result of been a revolving door patient on an off throughout my teens to my early thirties. The medications I were on varied from Anti-Deppresant’s, Mood Stabilizer’s, Anti-Psychotics, Relaxant’s and Sleeping Pills. The medications just sedated my so called behaviours to me their now just my traits be it survival, be it instinct, be it my defensive mechanisms. Dissociation at times though can be a pain when things in my locked box want to surface as that hits when am at my most vulnerable an most risk and I’ve just to ride it out.
It’s been hard not been on medication and not easy but I try face each day as I can medication will only plaster over the scars of my past, therapy can help me address but the unstable emotions and how I handle things they’re what I’ve to learn to address, I recently nearly ended up back on medication I struggled with coping with my brother’s passing thought long an hard and in my heart knew wrong as it may take the pain away numb it but eventually have to face it and so may as well fight may way through it now but also the anger side of my cptsd has come in handy as I’m using that part of my grieve to fight for him wished did more when he was alive, also if agreed go back on the slow cocktail of men’s would build up again I’d be talked into needing more for different things and different behaviours an probably extra Dx and my son he needs me, he needs me to be strong for him be brave for him most importantly be alert and functioning and be all he needs so as hard as the days are I throw myself into It theirs days I feel mentally drained, exhausted, on edge, thoughts scrambling but for my son I attack each day, I also do for my family, I do for my brother too as he so wanted overcome his past.
Medication can help mask things and give me a rest from but in the end they’ll stop me from seeing the beauty in the world even though theirs too sadness in it, the voice i thought so hard to re-find would too agin be lost and one thing I’ll always tell my son fight for what you want well if I’m not living it he can’t practice it.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy theirs days when I can just drag myself up ready, Myles though he’s always immaculate, theirs days I’ve snapped my anger lids burst an that’s not been good for person who got brunt off, theirs days I have just crumbled just broke look liked a car wreck and all around gets to much and times to preserve myself I’ve to shut out the world keep my bubble to myself .
I’m not telling people to stop taking mess nor if they help you to stop believing that they don’t an to stop.
I’m asking that as I respect medications for you please respect though it’s not for me an in fact has been life altering an harmful an I don’t want that for me, I also need you to respect that just because I say no also does not mean I don’t have my conditions an my experiences an opinions like well you can’t be that bad if you don’t take because I can be.
The brave face people see is just a mask as if accepted people a) don’t get or understand me so I give up trying explain, b) if I don’t try I give up an where does that leave my son an family and c) if I go on meds the world will be shut out again.
If their was better monitoring of my help, safeguards an provisions that stopped me going on more an more mess then maybe, but I know for me I have to address my pain be it therapy, be it pretending life’s ok or be it writing my blog like now, I’m exploring having faith in my life that’s been a challenge an battle of perseverance, I throw myself into soft play just as much as Myles an that s my anger energy, we do crafts, go for walks we play the child in me likes that as that’s reminded sometimes life is good, being an activist for awhile was hard but then I missed it so am slowly going to re-dip my toes in the water and look to do again as my heart an a part within me missed that an so listening to myself keeps me going.
I suppose because I didn’t feel listened too an knowing my brother wasn’t listened to is why I’ll always shy away from medication in time that may change I’ve to meet that one person who will listen and give me the perfect care package so till then I’ve just got to listen to myself.
Whilst I do that though please don’t shame me an belittle my depression, my pain just as I don’t pill-shame you an vocalise the drugs are bad. It is these debates that create divides in the mh community an we need to be supporting each other and each getting the support that works it’s time focus on getting it right for everyone as at present services aren’t working and we need to work together to get that so let’s #endthepillsdebate.
Today I had a counselling session at Sure Start my first one.
My heart is more broken n hurting than thought. I too realised I dont like how thats made me.
I don’t want to allow myself become how have been in past I don’t want anger, bitterness n hurt consume me as don’t like how when consume me I take those feelings and emotions and take out on those who have only loved n cared for me n never hurt me but because I’m scared let them in n close to me will expose my vulnerability if I let them in n love n care for me as fear will hurt me like have been in the past so I push them away I become the abuser I hurt those with my words n anger.
I was asked would I like say sorry to those I would but scared, scared would they tell me how hurt they were, that I’m nasty evil n cruel n ashamed someone once love treat them like that, scared if see ill feel the hurt caused them n didnt deserve n feel ashamed. I too don’t think right apologise until stop that pattern as when say sorry want mean n no longer do. too.
i can’t change my past or how has made me but I’m scared I can’t change how treat people go forward.
Only time will tell n as I learn abt why my hearts broken n hurting will I learn a new way of thinking n learn that I don’t want me be a person that hurts others as I know what it’s like be abused n hurt.