As someone who is trying have faith in God I’ve discovered that in Death if someone is for instance of an older age had their families lived their lives way wanted an accomplished all they wanted that when time comes it’s ok to not pray for recovery or healing but actually pray It time for them to pass peacefully meet their makers an for them to take their place in heavens realm in we one day see them again., With my grandad in the last few weeks seeing him in hospital so old, so frail not the person once was I knew his soul was ready leave this life it was to be hard but I did pray God listened to his Will his heart an if his time let him go peacefully, shortly after my Grandad passed my sons Great Grandad had a major stroke one he would not recover from he was moved to a home to make he’s final few weeks comfortable an again I prayed God listen to his heart an his will an when time comes let him to go peacefully. I’ve discovered that these deaths are classed as good Deaths strange notion a Good Death. But it then got me thinking about my daughter she was born still born she had severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus her death was not expected or planned whe received news did I prayed doctors had got wrong, I prayed for divine an medical intervention even asked for a blessing of healing over my bump but at the follow up consultation the harsh reality my child would not survive birth was put to me an that it’d be better end the pregnancy early an deliver her born sleeping an so I did at 22 weeks an 6 days surrounded by our immediate family I did will myself to Die too moment she did my body shut down crash team called in my family ushered out my mum prayed to god don’t take me her baby an you’ll gather I survived but I did suffer terribly mentally for years afterwards tortured myself spent along time in an out of psychiatric services took along time for the guilt to go to mourn it was an always will be a bad death as I’ll never understand why when discovered pregnant was given the precious gift of life to have cruelly ripped an snatched away, then we move onto 2013 I finally went on to have my rainbow baby 10 days before Christmas the child who brought me hope after darkness an is my continued reason to fight the darkness as in August 2016 I lost my brother, by best friend to a preventable suicide for 21/2 years he battled demons was tortured mentally lost his soul to his alter ego an became possessed by a doll my family an I we constantly thought for help for him in the May of year he died we thought he’d finally turned a corner he was moving into mental health supported housing, he was volunteering at St. George’s an at. TCV hollybush was given a new lease of life was optimistic we’d get our Tim back but for whatever reason we don’t know why we are now fighting for answers why, What happened for him to deteriorate mentally again, why were the signs not picked up on , why when he reached out for help was it not given why the week he died did Accident an Emergancy not intervene why did his Gp not intervene an why did the staff at the supported living not intervene. Since losing Tim my family an I are now mentally tortured physically an emotionally drained an having now fight the NHS an social care an now the legal system to get the answers why today should be a day spent with my son but sadly I’ve had to make childcare arrangements will go to my mums argue an negotiate with our solicitor an barrister with my mum the band aid plaster trying protect me from hurt of losing Tim will be ripped of as mum an I will again have review an critique all the legal paper work an Work out our next steps today I’m mentally preparing myself for news that the courts have rejected our notion for the judicial review that’s challenged the coroner’s decision regarding article 2 and preparing myself our legal team may tell us stop perusing and I too now am slowly losing my faith an sense of hope because I can not move on with my life, days of feeling happiness have disappeared it’s know a battle of get through each day best can because I’ve my son an he needs me an I don’t want my family facing anymore heartache an pain, I throw myself into fighting for answers for tim, trying challenge the system get changes made but we are no further forwards but rather further back I don’t think we’ll get the answers an closure we’re looking for an destined to carry the heavy burden and pain of losing tim with us and Day he died to part of us to died his death changed us changed how we see life, how we now interact an engage an took part away our hearts and souls so we’re no longer the people we used to be I try engage in life because of Myles but at same time have cut myself off an detached myself from certain aspects to survive the hell were now facing, losing a child at whatever age to a parent is never a good death it wasn’t something I’d ever want me an mum share going through and losing a brother to a preventable suicide wasn’t a good death neither they are bad Deaths ones I know struggle with an carry heartache off to me they are bad Deaths an when time comes I will tell God that and I know he’s expecting that because I do know argue with him, challenge verses in the bible do not pray as devoutly as once did an sadly feel him lost from my life I do try search for him but am on a string hold now with my faith I once cut him out my life if not for my son probably would have done because as I said earlier he’s my continued hope in darkness I fell myself he’s my gift from God an with that comes the sense I’ve to be eternally grateful an so I persevere in my ongoing battle with faith in life we do all die but death is not always Good because some Deaths are not inevitable an those that die too soon had more out of life to give did not have The chance reach their potential an life had more to offer them an so death was bad and robbed them of the joy of life the pain of that death an fighting to understand why then ripples throughout the lives of loved ones so when people talk about death I’ve discovered some deaths yes are good and some are just as equally bad an it’s important when people now talk about death consider what is a good death an Too what is a bad death an how you know support people going through that x x x
I lost my brother to a preventable suicide he fell through the cracks systemic failures by the trust an social care team under and the supported housing team were he lived. It’s the worst way to lose someone you can never prepare for, comprehend an understand why. I lost a baby born still born in 2002 I knew she was to be born stillborn due to severe spina bifida an hydrocephalus I knew as she took her last breath I’d hold her in my arms I’d kiss her on the head and I’d say goodbye, I lost my Grandad back in February 2017 I called in on the Morning of the Day he died to the hospital the Doctor told me that day when my Nanna came in they’d be stopping his medicine, taking his oxygen away he was getting put on an end of life Pathway, I went up to my mums saw my nanna an held her told her prepare for worst, I went to lighthouse academy my friends held me up, prayed with me I was preparing say goodbye. That night I went back to the hospital treatment had been stopped, as many family members as could were contacted, notified mad dashes to the hospital, he was surrounded by family held he was not in pain nor alone I got to say goodbye even though I wasn’t ready. Nothing can prepare you when you lose a loved one to Suicide because you can’t see it coming, you don’t expect if you knew or had a chance you’ld do everything in your power to stop from happening. This week I read in our legal teams argument for Article 2 systemic failings led to the events of my brother’s preventable suicide , I read that my brother had already passed when the paramedics got too him and probably had been a no of hours it breaks my heart to know he was lost, alone an in his final hours an until found had died that way. I wasn’t their to hold him, my mum didn’t get hold him even though an adult was her baby she did didn’t get that chance like I did with my baby somehow prepare an be their and like with grandad we knew we all surrounded wrapped round him he’ll have felt an known was loved I hate the feeling that losing my brother to a preventable suicide has done I hate knowing he may have felt unloved, unworthy, uncared for because he was. Losing a loved one to suicide is not only their lives lost but also part of you, your family dies too it feels strange, unnatural, not right, it’s broken, fractured, damaged your heart, the heart of your family dies too you get swamped into a dark hole, dark skies descend over all you know, life, joy gets zapped from you. I hate that I didn’t know, didn’t get chance stop, didnt get hold my hand out pull him back, I hate that I didn’t get say goodbye I hate that I don’t get angry at him, I hate that I can’t ask him why, I hate that I can’t bring myself to hate those who failed him, I hate I don’t have an axe to grind I hate that I want to give them a chance to learn lessons from his death I hate it’s been me, my family who held out that olive branch and I hate that they’re reluctant too take I hate that I can’t hate them want give them a chance I don’t understand why because they robbed me of my brother, my best friend , I want scream, yell call them murderers because of their systemic failings but I can’t because I know he deserves more, I know I’ve to give those a chance who failed him, I’ve to fight the legal system for article 2 to make his life matter, his memory, his life be remembered, he be remembered as someone who deserved help, be supported, cared for, a life worth saving and him not be just another life sadly lost to suicide, him not be a statitistic because he was worth more than that. Losing a loved one sadly to a preventable suicide flips your world upside down an know all can do is try make sense off and fit the jigsaw puzzle pieces together that led to that day to understand why and then with that completed puzzle find a way grieve, mourn say goodbye an try prevent someone else from sadly taking their live, give those that failed ideas to come up with pathways, measures to build safety nets to try ensure dosent happen again, I don’t have anyone can go to that can talk to about so I share my feelings here in my blog I know people struggle to talk to you about, ask how help, I know because I struggle with too. I hope that people reading who are in same place my brother was would contact me so I can help you so you don’t do what my brother did as you are worth more than that, for those that have lost a loved one to suicide to feel free contact me you are not alone it may feel it but I know the pain you feeling I feel it too, to Services, councils, NHS trusts social care providers that want make a difference to people affected by addiction, mental health and homelessness and put mental health on their patient safety strategies or looking at suicide prevention of people society turns their back on we’re culture around people with combined needs or are seen as unsafeable or attitudes around personality disorders needs challenging or your pathways not inclusive your not getting everyone on one or you need improve your community contact me if you genuinely want learn knock on my door because like I said lives like my brother’s matter let’s work together an make a difference I can’t bring him back but his memory, story can help save life’s.
My Big Brother, My best friend, One of my Angel’s if Heaven, Darkness has shrouded me since the day you died the pain I’ve felt uncomprehendable an unimaginable a pain I wouldn’t want wish on anyone, the pain an suffering you too faced in the last 2 1/2 years of live wouldn’t wish on anyone either. When you were alive you had a wish I didn’t grant a wish your nephew my son Myles met our dad and for him have a chance meet him an be a Grandad to his only Grandson. To you dad was your hero, your best friend you saw past the alcoholism you loved the times you had with him down at the Brown hare you never got over dad finally having to go into a care home for his own safety it was like part of you died that day the day you felt you’ld lost your best friend an I know hate feeling that same pain, I didn’t have the same relationship with Dad as you did I did try when he first went in to the care home have one but then in 2009 my own Mental Health deteriorated to point I spent Christmas that year sectioned and detained in hospital it took me a few years recover from in 2012 I went through a major relationship breakdown lost the home I’d thought have my ever after in an had create a new identity for myself as part of that process an as part of that process I didn’t want have Dad in my life I blamed him for not been in my life when I needed and wasn’t their protect me from been abused wasn’t their shelter me from pain of losing Marybeth and I hated knowing at time I was going through that he was in Pub opposite and so in my mind if I deleted him from my life I had a chance move on from my past. When Myles was first born I did think about letting him see him but the bitterness an anger I felt about him not been their made me have attitude he didn’t have that right be in my life or Myles, I know that you respected that decision but you were also hurt by as you so much wanted dad see him and I’m sorry I never listened, never told you how I felt maybe you’ld have understood an we’d have worked together and compromised and we’d have took Myles together. The day of your funeral was the first time in years I’d come back into contact with each other he looked lost, he didn’t look like our dad but still he automatically was Dad all way through the service he sat next to me and held my had, did cuddle me as I was upset and walked up to your coffin with me and held my hand as I told you it wasn’t goodbye but see you when times right an for you go be one of heaven’s angels an be with my Marybeth. After your funeral I did give dad some photos of you with Myles and I did think about going and see him and take Myles but I wasn’t ready also Grandad was very poorly and he too sadly passed then Myles other Great Grandad Robinson too sadly had a stroke an he too sadly passed an emotionally I did not feel strong. So it took 18 months after you passed away and this last week of not sleeping an waking upset an trying ignore an pretend all ok and to go across mums and in Tesco see an old man alone and me with a stock pile of presents for Boo too think about people who maybe alone, I went across Nanna’s she too stood in the Hallway looking lost as we chatted and she was worrying about getting her nibbles in her eyes though was fear first Christmas alone without Grandad and across at mums I got upset for her but brushed off went home, on Christmas Eve Facebook triggered me to point turned of all notifications Christmas was about family time an so be it, Anne Myles great grandads partner Anne phoned who earlier on in year whold lost Alan phoned see how we were recognised this time of year would be hard for me as as was for her and at end of call it hit me I cracked, I melt all bitterness to dad I felt disappeared and I looked at Myles it was finally time he met his Grandad Hughie our Dad and on Christmas Eve Dad finally met Myles I think he was just an shocked an surprised as I was as It wasn’t how I envisaged spend Christmas Eve but am glad I did am glad finally my four year old finally got to meet and get a cuddle and see his Grandad all of us in room didn’t speak your name but did feel your absence missing and that’s my only regret about finally granting your wish you weren’t their share with us as you should have been I kinda think from heaven you’ve probably though in heaven come down from heaven an whispered in my ear what about Dad Katie it’s time and am glad you did because in New year we now have New hope Dad an I and Myles can have a New Relationship an too Jason an Dad can maybe look at have too just a shame you not here share in too but I hope though your with us in Spirit an through pain losing you that their can be some healing now your wish has been granted an I’ve entered the spirit of Christmas reconciling the pain of yesterday but am truly sorry though left to late for you to see I know we’ve a long way go me an Dad but we’ve finally now made a start I hope you Too our now finally at peace an forever I will miss you my brother, my best friend x